Now where did I read that...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

King Of The Dance Hall

I'm lost in thought tonight, as I talk to my old friend.
As he sees the beginning of the end for his first marriage (I have no doubt he will eventually meet the right woman for him, he's a wonderful guy) I contemplate my single-ness. I'm too hard on men, I suppose, which seems to be a common theme amongst women right now. What I'm trying to decide, though, is whether it's because I'm not ready for a relationship or because I'm not ready to give up on the thought that there might be someone better waiting for me. I'm really loving the thought of marrying a fellow Baha'i.
I leave for the field tomorrow morning.... HA! Okay, so 4 hours from now. I'm exhausted, but more interested in talking to my Carnie Boy than sleeping, especially knowing I have a 5 hour bus ride in the morning.
I don't wanna be a player no more...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Last Minute

I've spent this weekend saying goodbye to my big brother. I leave tomorrow for the field, and he'll be gone before I get back. This is hard for me to accept.
I am just getting packed for the field today- never was much for doing that stuff in advance- and he's helping me.
I'm nervous about going out to the field, and being out of touch, and trying for the EFMB badge. I'm going to be with some awesome people, including my favorite lieutenant, but I'm just not sure how this will go. I'm supposed to be going to get this root canal finished while I'm up there- it's starting to bother me again. Then I'll be able to get my flight physical signed off on, and drop my Flight Medic packet.
Too much running through my head. More soon.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Spiritual Assembly

I declared on Sunday, and voted as a member of the Spiritual Assembly on Wednesday!
I don't think I could be more proud.
While we have a small group here, and I'm not sure there's a declared Baha'i nearby who didn't make the Assembly, it doesn't really matter to me. I'm proud and excited just to be able to be a part of this, especially so soon after declaring. I know my fellow Baha'i folks here have been very supportive and encouraging, and they have said again and again how naturally this all seems to come to me, and I am truly honored to be part of this. I will be leaving in a few months, as it stands, but this is a great start for me.
I am so blessed!!!

Gutter Gutter

It's been less than a week since I declared as a member of the Baha'i faith, the Baha'i community.
One of the gentlemen who I've been attending the weekly meetings with commented the other day that I've been a Baha'i for quite some time, but now it's official.
He's right.
However, I feel like I have been more driven than ever since I declared, particularly where my faith is concerned. The Ocean program (linked for any of those who have not downloaded this, it is beyond recommended- Baha'i or not, it's the most incredible tool for anyone with an interest in religion) has been running constantly, I think, since Monday or Tuesday. I have found, without intending to, dozens of things to research in this.
I have struggled truly with dating and all that comes with it for quite some time.
I have noticed that the Baha'i-based blogs out there are primarily married folks, usually with children, if they reference that at all.
I have been emailing the first Baha'i I knew personally ("Panda") fairly steadily for the last few days, and, though he is married, many of my questions focus on the life he lead when he was single, and how he handled many of his challenges.
Sex is a cultural norm in this day and age.
I had my virginity taken from me, without choice, at the age of 14, by a boy of 13. I was raped, and, not too long after miscarried his child, a girl, my heart told me, and she will always be known as Astaria to me. This was a painful experience, of course, that, in some ways I'm still healing from. However, I was one of the few virgins I knew at this point in my life. It was not a common thing, just 10 years ago, to be a virgin at 14 years old, as a girl. I had dated someone seriously for a year before the rape, but I'd wanted to wait for marriage, if I ever chose to get married. That choice was taken from me, and, for years after, I was disillusioned and felt as if I had no right to say no to sex.
Here I am, 24, sober, Baha'i and asking myself others how to tell someone I want to date that I have every intention of waiting until marriage. I suppose alcohol and sex are the things that came out in the wash for me.
It's not easy, though, and I don't doubt that fulfilling this promise of celibacy to myself is going to be quite difficult. A friend of mine from a school I recently went to (WLC, for those of you Army-minded folk out there) will be coming down to visit me Friday, God willing. He is a good man, and knows that I intend to wait until I am married. Panda's explanation of it all was perfect- that the emotional cloud that comes with sex should be an effect of the relationship, not a cause for a relationship. He also pointed out to me that I must have my own reasons for fulfilling God's law, because our Faith is built upon independent investigation of truth, not on "Because I Said So". That's where the rape and my past comes into play, and where giving in to others goes out the window. I've known what was right for me for a long time, and I am proud that I am able to say I am now strong enough to be able to follow through with it.
These last few months have been painful, to say the least, as I have learned quite a few things about what I want and need in life, particularly where relationships are concerned, and I will be glad if and when things begin to settle down a bit. I am proud of myself for coming through all I have as well as I have, but there will always be more to learn.
Ridvan is next up on my to-study list, as it has begun.
I am truly blessed to have this life, and to be on this journey. I'm just so ready to have someone to share it with.

Refugee Dance Hall

I came across a musical artist I absolutely adore today: K'naan. While I don't know his story, he tells in his music that he is a refugee- I don't know where from, and the idea that he came to America as a refugee from a war of some sort is primarily an assumption on my part at this point.
His music struck a chord with me, particularly his words.
He's not scared to say what he thinks, and this is plain as day, if you listen to the song 'If Rap Gets Jealous'. The first song of his I stumbled across, though, (thanks to Youtube) was 'People Like Me'. He's quite the story teller.
His words got me thinking quite a bit, primarily about my own feelings, as I've felt more than just a little overwhelmed today, though for no reason in particular. The word refugee, one I initially associated primarily with the band The Fugees, has blossomed in meaning to me as of late. I am a native-born American. I am not a child who grew up in places like Iran, or some countries in South America and Africa, where civil war is an on-going battle. I am a child of my own war.
Aren't we all?
I am a child of the war on inequality, on violence, on alcohol abuse, on domestic abuse, rape, prejudice-both racial and gender, I am a child of the war of hate. While I grew up in a violent neighborhood, I don't claim to understand the hell the children growing up in worlds of civil war face daily. Yet, I understand what it's like to find refuge. It's taken me years to escape the prison of hate, to free myself from the cell barred with alcohol, violence, ignorance, pain and, more than all others, fear.
And so it begins, through the eyes of me...
I declared as a Baha'i on April 18th, 2010- last Sunday.
I am official, though no more skilled or knowledgeable, I'm sure, than any other Baha'i I know. The Baha'i faith is my personal refuge. It's message of unity and fellowship throughout all races, religions and nationalities is something I searched for over a period of years, and clung to once I finally found it and rid myself of a few of my bars.
March 21st, 2010 was my one-year anniversary sober. I made less than a handful of slips involving alcohol in that time, and some people feel that means I should not be counting one year sober. I am not part of any programs, and did not have much of a support system at all when I quit drinking cold turkey and of my own doing. If any one of my critics has drank for 8 years, joined the Army, been stationed in Korea, and quit drinking cold-turkey without any help, I'd be glad to hear them out. Otherwise, I'm afraid I have little sympathy for their protests. I am proud of how far I've come, and am grateful to those who have supported me through it- as there were many who didn't.
Alcohol was my last excuse.
If I make a choice, there's nobody to blame for the consequences but myself now.
That's exactly as it should be.
This is my life- no bars, no excuses, no lies.
This is my soul, learning to dance.
This is me.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Letting Go

I never should have felt that way for him.
Every time I look back, though, I can't put my finger on any moment when one feeling changed to the next, on any decision I made that I shouldn't have, anything I could have done to stop all that came after.
He never should have made me feel that way, but it was something I'd never felt before.
Now, I face letting it go.
I spent so many years feeling like I didn't have the right to say no- and what was the point, no man would listen if I said no, anyway.
I've finally moved on from that.
Now, how do I block them from getting into my heart before I'm ready?
How do I stop this pain before it starts?
It's not like I don't know when it's someone I shouldn't be dealing with- there's pretty clear cut signs, or they're simply too good to be true. It's not all that complicated.
Yet, I just can't seem to shut my heart off to people the way I want to.
I look at this pain, and the situation that caused so much of it, over and over and over... And the only thing I can see to take away from it is what it really means to trust someone with your body... There was a time when it didn't hurt- I was so numb- to let someone in like that, even though the end result was always pretty much the same emptiness.
Nobody can have it anymore. Nobody can have me. I'm through.

The Game Of Life

I had never wanted children until I got pregnant.
The thought of getting married was insane to me until the circumstances dictated that the only way I could be with the man I loved was to do so.
I was astonished at those women who did that biological clock ticking thing, behaving as if they were running out of time to settle down and get married and have kids.
I want that life.
At 24, my mind and body has been through more than I care to think about at once.
I'm "young" they tell me, but not one part of me has been through only what a "normal" 24 year old has been through.
At 24, my mind and body is changing completely.
I'm far more focused on setting myself up for success. I will not lower my standards.

...People tell me I'm so young... but with this much going on, going for me, is it not right for me want to share it all with someone?

Friday, April 16, 2010

Adventures In A Foreign Land

I never could have understood what changes I might under go in a period of only two years.
I got off that plane, proud of my Private-Second-Class (Pv2) rank, and the determination that somehow kept me from giving up completely during training.
I was terrified when I saw Korea for the first time.
I was 22 years old, and had only begun to learn how to take responsibility for my own actions. I'd spent nearly a decade of my life being told that all I did, said and felt was out of my control, and nobody should consider me accountable. Nobody should punish me for the things I did- they weren't my fault. I was what I now know as 'terminally unique'. I would inevitably be the exception to every rule.
I had been drinking for more than 8 years by this point, had taken up both smoking and dipping tobacco, had nightmares more often than not, a temper that wouldn't quit, and a sense of loss that seemed to eat a whole through my very soul.
It's been 21 months since the day I got off that plane. I have been sober (with less than a handful of slips) for over a year, I can't remember the last time I smoked a cigarette, and dipping... just no! My temper is still underneath the surface, but that's a hell of an improvement over moment-by-moment.
I pray at least daily. I try not to swear- though that doesn't work out too well for me much of the time, I am about to declare as a member of the Baha'i faith, and I am generally much, much happier with who I am. I have let much of my past go, and the nightmares are much less common than they were even a few months ago.
I will leave Korea soon, and return to the place I was raised so many years ago- El Paso, Texas. This blog is dedicated to my travels and lessons along the way.