Streaker

Among my reading, I stumbled across this entry by a blogger whom I've followed for quite some time now. The quote he uses is this one: “The human race is an unfair and stupid competition. A lot of the runners don’t even get decent sneakers or clean drinking water. Some people are born with a massive head start, every possible help along the way and still the referees seem to be on their side. It’s not surprising some people have given up competing altogether and gone to sit in the grandstand, eat junk food and shout abuse. What we need in this race is a lot more streakers.”

- Bansky, from Cut It Out Vol. 3. 

This quote reinforced my adoration for his writing style and thought process. 

Now, my life... 

Things are changing, as they tend to do. I am in a relationship with Bunny, and he is good to me. I am already experiencing the fear and the aggravation of my flight response. Getting close to people is horribly scary for me, and it never seems to get any easier. So, I question, I push away, I get angry... I'm fighting giving up on this, and I don't know if the doubts I have are simply my own fear of trusting someone or if they're logical and based in reality. I'm trying, but thinking of what others would want for me, I am even less sure than I would be otherwise. I'm beyond frustrated. He's the first guy my father ever expressed anything positive about, well, during said guy's life, anyway. I miss Danger like crazy, and I try to figure out if this is the same mistake I made with him, or if this is really as wrong as I fear it is, and if I'm just pushing Bunny away out of fear. 

It's so frustrating for someone like me to be the alpha in a relationship, to be the only one who has aspirations and know what they want to do, what they like... I don't know how to handle this.


Once payday comes, I am going to sign up for belly dancing classes. I have gotten good at keeping myself going to the gym during lunch, and doing physical training with my unit as well. I want to get myself on a schedule, one that includes hobbies (belly dance, hopefully writing will eventually fall into a schedule, as well), my physical exercise as well as my Faith. I have been poor, lately, at getting to Feast and events like I should. I also want to go back to being a vegetarian. I'm sure that will prove difficult, at best, but it's something I've been considering for a while. 


In the process of preparing to cut meat out entirely, I stumbled across a number of free iPod touch applications, and a blog I hadn't heard of before. (You'd be amazed how unusual it is for me to find a popular blog I'm unaware of.) The Messy Vegetarian Cook is a blog I'll be interested to look more into. 


Meanwhile, back at the farm, work is going well, mostly. I'm studying for the promotion board, I have a new NCO who's actually a medic like myself, and my Soldier's coming back from her time off on Monday. It's going to be busy for a while, but I'm looking forward to life in general. It's a nice change.

Another Try

Bunny is back with a vengeance.
We're together.
I spent a lot of nights alone, and some not, and realized there have been three men, besides the wonderful men in my family, who have loved me unconditionally: my ex-husband, Danger, and Bunny.
It didn't take too many days of not hearing from him to miss having someone I could call day or night and know he'd do or say anything I might need him to.
That's love.
I'd known he loved me all along, and this isn't to say nobody else has, this was just... different.
Bright Eyes loved me, undoubtedly, but it felt all along as though he was settling for living in my life, and I suppose I never shook that feeling. I suppose I mostly continue to mention him because I know he still cares about me very much, and continues to read my ramblings, despite all that's happened.
So, I try again, in my own time, in my own way, despite my pride, and I hope I'm right this time.
It's time to move forward.

Time Travel

My worst habit is rushing things.
I have an incredibly hard time trying to be present in the moment and not get distracted by what I want something to become or trying to make it fit into what I wanted to end up with, or worrying about it being better than what I had.
With everything I'm juggling right now- promotion issues, Soldier issues, family issues, social life, cleaning, moving personal belongings from one place to another- I am realizing quickly that the biggest lesson I want to learn from Danger is being present in the moment- something I swear he never struggled with. While I'm seeing, the more I clear my life of people who are hurting me or simply wasting my time, I'm realizing that the qualities I need in someone I date are pretty clear: I need someone who can stand up to me, someone who will treat me right, and someone who is intelligent. It's harder to find than one might think. None the less, even if I find someone who's perfectly within these parameters, if I can't learn to slow down and be in the moment, well, I'm just going to rush into it all and end up feeling like it's too much for me to handle.
This quote from Erykah Badu's song Window Seat caught my attention earlier: Don't wanna time-travel no more, just wanna be here.  


It just fits, you know?
I'm falling back into my comfort zone with the soul music these last couple days- a lot of Joss Stone, Erykah Badu, Fugees, Alannah Myles... I forgot how peaceful that place is. Soul music is my haven, I crave it when my life starts to feel right again. I will always hope that it sticks, but, mostly, I'm just going to have to wait and see.