Now where did I read that...

Friday, May 27, 2011

One Of Them

I tell people, especially people I'm seeing or considering dating, that I'm emotional.
I had someone point out that saying that's a bit redundant, as 'all humans are emotional'.
Yet, if a tear rolls down my face at work- about anything- all hell will surely break loose and I don't have to question for one second that I lost somebody's respect for feeling something. I'm in the Army, I'm not supposed to have feelings when other people can see them. If I even bother to attempt to explain why something hurt/offended/pissed me off, I'm wrong for feeling that, and I'm no fun, and I'm too much of a girl, too sensitive, etc, etc, fucking etc.
I'm beyond tired of this. I'm trying so hard to distance myself, but how the hell am I supposed to ever be happy if I just keep having to distance myself from everyone and everything? I'm not allowed to feel anything, because, obviously, feelings are a "chick trait". I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of trying my ass off to be a dude without losing who I am just to find some success- it's fucking futile.
Work? Gotta be like the guys, or nobody will respect me.
Dating? Gotta act more like a guy, or they'll never be able to put up with me.
Driving? Women drivers are terrible, can't drive like them.
"Date like a dude, or get played like a bitch."
"Act like a lady, think like a man." -Steve Harvey
"Do it like a dude." -Jessie J
"Like a boy." -Ciara
I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM. I JUST WANT TO BE ME.

Expectations

I'm starting to get this suspicion that women who truly are ready for marriage are the ones who've stopped having expectations of their partner being considerate.
Or maybe my expectations are too high.
Or maybe my fear of being abandoned again is just that much worse than I thought.
The half-blooming relationship is still at half-bloomed, and I'm more and more unsure that it will bloom further, though the commitment part of it seems to have fizzled a bit since the initial jump.We're still talking, but I see him quite rarely, and, well, now I'm having doubts. He's got a teenage daughter, and says he doesn't want more children. Can I give up having children of my own? The tears in my eyes at this thought make me realize I am far less sure than I once was. He is far more established with more to lose if we get serious and things don't work out. He's adamant that he will not get divorced again, on which point we agree, but.... I feel like I'm trying to fit into his life, rather than figuring out how to build one together, and I'm less than sure that I'm okay with that. 
My barracks room, and, well, everything about being in the Army, is beginning to feel like my holding pen until I find a place in life that I can fit... I'm tired of feeling like I'm waiting.
I'd rather be a mom than a medic, and rather be a wife than a sergeant. This just isn't making me happy anymore. It's doing the total opposite. I'm finding myself depressed and/or angry more and more often lately, and seeing a level of complacency at work I never thought I'd feel.
I'm coasting, and I can't keep doing that.
If I was any other woman, with any other past, in this situation, I'd get knocked up by the first guy who treated me right, get married and get out of the Army. The tubal ligation my mother encouraged me to have "to keep from passing my problems on to my children" when I was just eighteen prevents this from happening. Having the section that connects your ovaries and womb tied cut and burnt to crap will keep you from getting pregnant, in case you were wondering. It works. The Army doctors will not do the surgery to reverse it without the records of the initial surgery, which the hospital no longer has. In Vitro fertilization can be done, but for reduced price rather than for free, as with other medical procedures in the Army.
Not that I have a guy around who would want to stick around that long in the first place.
I don't even understand half of what's happened lately.
The only person I could really see myself with for keeps at this point that wants anything to do with something serious with me is too many states away, and, well, I've screwed up that bridge enough. I couldn't ask him to move here, especially when I can't get a place of my own without getting married or growing two ranks overnight, and even marriage is, of course, a hard thing to think of when you have no idea when you'll see one another again, assuming I could be a part of a normal relationship without f'ing it to hell.
I feel alone, I feel empty, and I'm just not happy anymore.
I'm struggling. Again.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Burnt

So, there's been lots of changes recently, but mostly, I'm worn out.
Things are going fairly well in my personal life, with a slowly blooming relationship in it's very early stages- one that makes me grateful for all I have gone through that I may see the value of this one. If it isn't forever, well, I'll still know I can lean on this man.
Work-wise, I'm just burnt out. I've been busting my rear for the last nine months, won't take leave until the end of next month, and I'm just plain old tired. There's been no acknowledgment of my efforts or work, and my new boss seems less than enthusiastic about working with me most days. I am left in the dust with everything I've worked so hard for, and I'm ready to give it up. I don't want to do this Army stuff any more right now. It's become almost easy for me until these last few weeks, I'd finally found my comfort zone, and now everything I've worked for has simply been taken from me. I've been disrespected and tossed to the side, and I need to find the correct way to brush myself off and get back up. I just can't seem to get there.
I'm still avoiding re-joining gatherings of the local Baha'i community, as they just wear me out, rather than make me feel refreshed. I feel guilty rather than hopeful and I would rather spend my time helping people than feeling I'm not doing enough.
I've been half-forced to cut meat from my diet these last two weeks, as, once again, my digestive system simply wasn't having it. I'm not heartbroken about the lack of meat, but it presents challenges that I seem to be adapting to alright. We'll see.
I'm hesitant to say anything is forever these days.