One Of Three and The Exchanging Of Keys

I've had nightmares the last two nights. It's really eating at me, especially because they were new nightmares. I have, more or less, had the same nightmares over and over throughout my memory. It honestly scares the daylights out of me that these are not the same familiar, haunting nightmares I've always known. Something I wrote earlier for Facebook:

Think of three women you know- any three.

No, really. Pick three women in your head- your mom, sister, nieces, daughters.... Whoever you want.

Okay, you have your three? One of them has or will be, in their lifetime, a victim of sexual or physical assault.

Think about that.

You know someone who's been beaten and/or raped. You do, it's impossible not to. Now remember this the next time you laugh at a joke about it, thinking the word "rape" doesn't effect you. 

A joke is a way of making ourselves less sensitive to something.

If you want to make yourself less sensitive to something your friends and family are going through, go right ahead.

Personally, though, I'm going to remind people that it's something to be taken seriously.  

Because a real man doesn't have to get your sister drunk to get her to sleep with him.

Because a real man doesn't have to threaten, coax, or push your niece.

Because a real man won't force your daughter to do what he wants her to.

Because a real man won't ever forget what it means when you tell him no. 

I have had a lot going on in my head over these nightmares, as you can see.

Mr Nice Guy and I are past the month marker, and still moving smoothly forward.

I can honestly say that we are very much in love, and definitely learning to trust each other.

We both have jealous tendencies. It's interesting to be in a relationship where, instead of sneaking around looking for something to upset me, I pick up his phone right in front of him and tell him I'm being jealous today. He does the same thing, and it works for us. Neither of us feel like the other will cheat on us, really, but I think this is our way of setting boundaries and ensuring our rather open, honest, beautiful relationship isn't going to blow up in our faces. I can't help but think it's a good thing that we can be open with each other, even about something as personal and dangerous as jealousy.

Tonight, I asked him if I could trust him not to lose and not to misuse my spare truck key, should I entrust it to him. He assured me that I could, then asked me the same. I explained to him, as I tend to, in a great amount of detail, that such misbehavior is simply not my style, no matter how enraged I have become in the past. So, he has a spare key to my truck, and I to his. 

It feels right. 

He feels like the person who has my back, and will come running should I ever need to call. 

He feels like the person who wouldn't leave me stranded.

I may never really understand all the complex workings of my subconscious, and I may never completely "recover" from my past, but, while I'm still learning, I'm mostly learning how to be happy. 

And I'm enjoying it. 

Stable

Despite what many think, military folks don't make much- at least enlisted military folks.
It's always been a guaranteed paycheck on the first and the fifteenth, but it ain't much of one. I know waitresses who pulled more in tips in two weeks than I do in a steady paycheck.
I am, however, finally learning to do this whole 'financial responsibility' thing.
I got a little bit of extra cash this month (a once-yearly allowance of a couple hundred extra dollars for all the uniforms and gear that we wear out annually- and don't kid yourselves, it doesn't cover the amount I spend on uniforms and military stuff in a year) and, while I'm still waiting on the thousand-plus dollars the Army still owes me in back pay, I managed to pay off my credit card, and throw some extra toward my truck payment.
Have I told you how much I love my truck?
Have I told you how much I want a Harley?
I am working on fixing my truck up, a little at a time, but so far, she has taken more of my abuse than my love, with all the driving and moving I've done since I bought her.
My truck isn't new, she's a '99 Blazer, but I absolutely love her. She's sturdy, with four-wheel drive, and iPod playing capability. She has her quirks- like how I have to turn my high beams on and off 3 times before I know my left headlight will be on without high beams, and how she still needs her headlights adjusted so she's not all cock-eyed anymore. Despite the worn leather seats, the headlight issues, and, well, the fact that she's a used truck, I'd much rather put money into her now and know she'll stick around for a while than just beat her up and eventually trade her in for something newer.
Anyhow, money-wise, I paid off my credit card today. I know from experience that my bank will sit on the payment for 3-5 business days before it even reflects, but I know how much I have left after the payments I made today, despite the bank's lack of timeliness, and I will most likely save the back pay up for a motorcycle, or just pay off my truck in it's entirety and then start putting money away each month for the bike. I won't do payments on both a bike and my truck at the same time, because one of them is bound to wind up needing repairs, and I would be too confined financially to do all of those things. It sure wouldn't bother me to have a truck and a motorcycle paid off by the time I leave the Army in February of 2013.
Over all, things are going really well for me right now. I have a truck I'm not just keeping up with the payments on, but exceeding those payments every chance I get, I managed to upgrade my reliable old flip phone for a 4G-capable Android- and bought the new $435.00 phone for $170.00, mind you- and, well, my relationship is just as steady and wonderful as it was day one, over a month ago, and I really think, despite some stress, that I am happier than I have ever been.
I've made a lot of hard decisions lately, but I'm proud of each and every one. I'm really going to make it just fine, after all.  

Rain

So, it's raining here, well, on a decent scale, anyhow, for the first time in ages. I have been in a foul, tired mood all day, but between Mr Nice Guy and I spending time together, and the rain- both of us are bad-land-bred desert dogs- I'm in a much better mood, now, as I try to unwind and get some sleep for work tomorrow.

Mr Nice Guy calls himself a Desert Mutt, which suits him awful well, and I'm slowly becoming attached to the 'dog ideology'. There's a true attachment between his heart and all things dog, which I love. I find it very hard to trust someone who doesn't like animals. When I was in training, one of my companies was Bravo Bulldogs, and had a sign over the community area that read "Dog Pound". I was always amused by this, and would have loved to have found a way to incorporate it into my own life. When I think of a future with Mr Nice Guy, long-term, I see this sort of thing having quite the role in our lives.

Well, it's nearly eleven o'clock at night now- my favorite time, by the way- and that means I should have already been in bed asleep, sadly. So, as the rain pounds down on the windows and walls, I bid you good night.

Better With Age

I am so glad I will never be a teenager again.
I thank God every day for helping me survive "the best years of my life" so that I could see the best years of my life.

Today, I am tired, cranky, hormonal and working.
Despite this, I would take today over being a teenager again, hands down, no questions asked.
I miss Danger, and am still processing the fact that he's been gone a year as of last Friday.

I have been through so much in twenty-five years.
I don't always understand how I survived life or myself at some points.
All I know is that I feel like I'm finally who I really am, and finally able to live, rather than constantly trying to be somebody I had pictured in my head.
This is where it gets good.

One Year

I don't understand how Danger's been gone a year.
It seemed like, for months after his death, I would cry myself to sleep a few nights a week, begging him to take me with him or come back... I'd be lying if I said I'd completely accepted it or dealt with it in this last year. I understand it, I know it's real, but some days, it just doesn't seem like the world should still rotate on it's axis without him in it... He was such a fixture in my life, someone I absolutely adored from the moment I met him... While my ex-husband was in Iraq, when we were still married, Danger and I would spend nights at his tattoo shop, lying on that big red leather couch together, watching movies. Even when Veggie (ex hub) and I were doing very poorly, even when it would have been so much easier than holding back, Danger never let me slip, nor let himself slip, and nothing more than a hug and a very strong friendship passed between us.
It still blows my mind that a man like this could ever love me.
He was- is- will always be a rock star in my mind.
I still miss him so badly, I feel the tears when I allow myself to think about him much.
I love Mr Nice Guy, and I know Danger would approve.... but some days, I wonder if it was ever supposed to happen like this, or if this was the plan all along?
I miss you Danger, and I'll love you forever.

Halal, Living, and Moving Forward In My Faith

So, I just tried one of the My Own Meal ready-made meals. These are not frozen meals, by the way, but meals kept inside a tin foil-like packaging within a box, generally used to replace MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat- the boxed up meals Soldiers eat when hot meals are not available) for Muslim Soldiers. These are Halal meals. What caught me off-guard about these was the back of the box- the President and Founder of the company is Ms. Mary Anne Jackson- a woman. This both impressed and surprised me- positively, of course, as much of the Muslim community tends to not put women in places of power. These meals are listed as both Kosher and Halal, so she may not be Muslim, but, either way, I liked seeing it, both as a woman and a Baha'i.

So, I stumbled across a blog post about blogging while Baha'i which pointed out that blogging is a form of social discourse, one of the main goals for our Faith. I felt a little better about the activity and lack there of where my Faith has been concerned lately. The Baha'i Faith is something I believe whole-heartedly in, though I am a young Baha'i, and still very much finding my own way.

I was listening to the song Standing Outside The Fire earlier- a country song I really love- and I realized why it always made me feel so good to hear it. The song, in a roundabout way, talks about people who live 'outside the fire' and take caution with themselves, their hearts and their lives, versus those who tend to live life  'within the fire' who live life fully, but take the risks with their hearts that others wouldn't. "Life is not tried, it is merely survived, when you're standing outside the fire." This is my favorite line, because it reminds me that, all the times people have told me to slow down, to take my time, to not rush into things or take risks, it was a risk I chose to take, and, ultimately, helped me really live life, rather than waiting for life to happen. I could have a lot less scars- physically and emotionally- but I'm proud of my scars, and I came by them rightfully, and, at 25, I have experienced much more than so many people, and I love that. I miss people, there are things I wish I had done differently, but, ultimately, I truly believe I have done everything to the best of my ability, and, furthermore, truly lived my life these past 25 years. The last year or so, I've started asking myself if I'd have any regrets if I died in my sleep tonight, and, more and more often, the answer is no. People may wish they had lived more, on their death bed, but most people don't really wish they'd lived less. I'd rather die living a life I loved, than live a life just to get to death.

Process

Mr Nice Guy made it to T-town safe, and even remembered to text me along the way. (Not while driving, though, he knows I'll yell at him for that!)
It's not nearly as hard to not have him here as I expected. I mean, I would rather have him with me, but, really, it just doesn't feel like anything's changed. I like that.
Friday, the 22nd of July will be one year that Danger has been gone. I asked for this day off. I have no idea how it will affect me, but I have no intentions of falling apart at work again for as long as I can help it.
It is also the day that Mr Nice Guy returns from T-town. I haven't entirely decided if it's a good idea or bad idea to see him that day, but I really think it might be a good thing... I hope.
Sunday, the 24th of July will be my one-month anniversary with Mr Nice Guy. (I had miscalculated the date in an earlier post when I said the 17th of June.)
Sunday, the 24th of July will also be what would have marked 2 years of being engaged to Danger.
Overwhelming.
I don't know how Mr Nice Guy feels about monthly anniversaries- some men don't count them, others think as much of them as the most sentimental of women- but it'll be a (mostly) happy day for me. It's so odd to me that that one-month marker has become such a big deal to me, but it's so rare to see someone stick around a month, while, if they do, it tends to last upwards of six. It's less than five days until our one month speed bump, and I am perfectly confident in this relationship to last through next week, and next year, if we so choose.
It's been a long day, cleaning up the mess Madman made at the apartment I'm house-sitting while he took care of the place so I could go out of town. We start running sick call and actually operating as medics tomorrow, for the first time in the year I've been here.

The Separation

Mr Nice Guy is, as I write this, on his way back to T-town for the next four days.
He and I have been attached at the hip since the day we met, so this will be weird for me- but hopefully not too rough.
I am the happiest I've ever been since I've been with him, and I truly believe that no separation can change that. Things don't always go off without a hitch between us- we definitely are on two different planets sometimes- but we never have to put effort into getting along or making things better when they get a little wobbly. He understands me, and does his best to show it. I talk to him a lot, which is funny to me, because I think a lot of it is stuff he already knows.
He explained to me the other day, though, that he's the 'silent jealous type'. He's shown no signs of passive-aggression or any type of anger, so I was completely clueless he'd ever gotten jealous at all. I'm very outgoing, though, and it doesn't surprise me too much that, as much as I talk to people and as many people as I know, that, at some point, this has bothered him. We need to go more in depth with it, so I can avoid him having to feel like that again, but I'm glad he told me. I love him, and don't want to ever do anything to hurt him.
I'm glad we have these days apart, in truth, because I need to get some time to look at things. I have no doubts about how I feel, but, the more spirituality and faith become part of our relationship, the more intimate it gets. I need to step back and look at how much I am willing to give him of that part of myself. It's something that's very important to me, and I want him to understand and participate in that part of my life- I don't think faith is a completely private matter, honestly- but my dream of praying with someone I love is as scary as it is real. I want that. It's overwhelming, though, and I want it to feel right. I don't want to rush this, no matter how certain I am.
It's a scary path we're walking, this growing thing.

Love At Last

I know it's still entirely possible that Mr Nice Guy and I aren't forever.
I mean, you never really know what life's going to do, no matter how much you try your best and all.
However, he and I spent some time talking today after, well, not a bad day, but it wasn't our best day, that's for sure.
The deep part of the conversation started when I asked him how he felt about the fact that he chose not to see a particular female friend of his anymore because of my expressions of serious discomfort with that very specific situation. We talked for a little while, and he finally really opened up to me about things with her, and let me know that he seemed to have many of the same questions about her that I did. I admitted that I made a bad choice in asking Madman about her once Mr Nice Guy had told me she knew him. He asked why, and I explained to him that I felt it was inappropriate of me to involve anyone else in that situation, not to mention making that choice when I was still rather emotional.
The conversation proceeded, though, and I opened up to him. Now, I've always thought I was a generally open person, and perhaps I still am, but the way I opened up to him... Scared me. I talked about a lot of things that, while not secrets exactly, were never things I really felt comfortable telling anyone else. It wasn't confession, it was a very honest, open expression of a lot of emotions I suppose I'd almost forgotten were there at times.
I'll spare you the mushy, personal details of it all, but I have never been so sure of anything.
It's not that I think it's impossible for me to lose him- I know better than that- but I know that I will do whatever it takes to keep him.
Our week in T-town was, in a word, perfect. I fell in love with this city-sized-small-town with amazing, diverse, local restaurants, a variety of wonderful health food and natural food stores, beautiful landscaping, incredible book stores, and just a wide, diverse range of people. Mr Nice Guys' friends are some of the best people I've ever known, and his family was very, very generous and kind. His father is very much the quiet type, but a really wonderful, intelligent guy. His sister has things she's dealing with, but I think she's a very sweet, kind person, and will be finding her own way soon enough. His mother and her boyfriend are far more outgoing than Mr Nice Guy's father, but still very kind, and both obviously very intelligent. I came away from the last week feeling that, while I think I was a bit of a shock to all of them- my tattoos, long hair, military occupation, outgoing nature and overall personality being a bit out of Mr Nice Guy's norm- they all seemed to like me, anyway. Whether it was in spite of themselves or not, I couldn't say, but I was glad they all seemed to be okay with me holding such a place in Mr Nice Guy's life.
I promised him tonight I wouldn't rush this, and we agreed that we needed to discuss time lines a bit, but I know in my heart that I will do whatever it takes to be with him for as long as that's what he wants. To feel a connection with someone on physical, emotional and spiritual levels like this... It just doesn't happen twice...

Happiness

Maybe it isn't forever.
Maybe it is.
All I know, is that I feel like I've found a city I could call home, and someone who I'd really like to share that with. Mr Nice Guy has opened up a new world for me by bringing me to T-town, and, well, I've found myself happier and more open to new levels of trust in these last few days than I can remember being.
I've fallen in love many times.
I've been happy many times.
I consider myself to be very blessed in this regard, rather than looking at the ends of each of these times as a curse.
I feel as if I'm glowing when I'm with Mr Nice Guy. He's begun to open every door for me- to include car doors- and even pulled out my chair for me tonight when we went to dinner with his dad. He loves spoiling me, and showing me more and more of T-town. He's very patient with me when I'm a little off or down, and I'd be completely oblivious to the fact that he even sees these moods if he didn't check to make sure I was okay each time he recognized these things. Despite the fact that he's clearly stated that he 'despises' the L-word, he still tells me he loves me at every opportunity, especially when he sees my mood falter. He remembers everything he learns about me- from ring size to foods and colors I like, and the names of family and friends- and simply treats me like I was a princess or something. I've never had anyone want to take care of me like he does, and, honestly, I'm really enjoying learning how to let someone take care of me a bit.
We haven't talked too much about the Faith these last few days, except when I found out about the nearby institution and that there was a strong Baha'i community here. We are generally around quite a few other people, and I know too well how preachy and pushy discussion of one's beliefs can come across to others when brought up at seemingly inappropriate moments.
None the less, I've seen him pick up Baha'i books at the local used book store without even my general attention focused on them. He shows active interest, and has agreed to come to a Fireside my community is hosting after we return to Sun City this Saturday.
I feel really blessed to be with someone who is so attentive, caring and generous, and have every intention of holding on to this, and doing everything in my power to ensure that I never do anything to over-step or misuse this wonderful man.

Bird Of Pray

So, Mr Nice Guy and I have been up in T-town for a few days now. I was scared out of my senses about how things would go once we got here, but I have been very pleasantly surprised so far.
Mr Nice Guy's dad is just like him, but sweeter and quieter.... I'm amazed. He's been cooking for us every chance he gets, and he's an amazing cook. He barely speaks, but he's just the nicest, most passive guy.
Mr Nice Guy's sister is also very nice, though she is far more outgoing than her father or brother. She's less conservative.

T-town has an amazing Greek restaurant, a bookstore I fell in love with the moment I walked through the door, and a good selection of large organic and health food stores. There also, from what I've seen, appears to be a strong Baha'i community here, and there's a Baha'i institute about an hour outside of town.

Mr Nice Guy and I are still doing very well, and I am happier with him each day. I am finally learning to relax rather than over think this all. He is very good to me, very sweet, and I am enjoying this more with each day. I'm so in love with him. The fact that he and I can talk about faith, and that he's interested in the Baha'i faith certainly helps.

I've never been happier.

Lesson

So, I went to the local community Reflection Gathering today, Mr Nice Guy in tow- voluntarily.
Having never been to a Reflection Gathering, I wasn't aware just how administrative it is.
I learned tonight.
Mr Nice Guy sat patiently through an hour of discussion, despite being tired and probably more than a little impatient, but he hid it well.
After we took a break, we came back and sat down (I'd made sure by this point he was okay with staying through the second half) and, well, my community surprised even me.
By this point, it had been well established that Mr Nice Guy knew little to nothing of the Baha'i Faith. Several people had approached him with bits and pieces and offerings of info. One of our Persian Friends, though, took a special interest immediately, if rather indirectly. He pulled the organizer of tonight's meeting aside during the break to ask if we could do a small fireside.
Very quickly, it turned from a 'small fireside' into a very, very animated discussion as each of us went around the room, to include the Youth-age folks, and explained how they became Baha'i. Needless to say, hilarity ensued. We have some wonderfully funny and talented Persians in our community, one in particular who is a fantastic storyteller. Even the folks who were born into a Baha'i family generally had pretty interesting or funny stories passed down from parents and grandparents about how they had become Baha'i. One of our Youth ladies simply stated "I've been a Baha'i eighteen years. Anyone wanna guess how old I am?!" Naturally, the room erupted into laughter, after having only just heard quite the emotional discourse from one of our more weathered Friends.
Mr Nice Guy hasn't said much, and I plan to talk to him a bit over the coming week, but so far, I really can't gauge how he feels about it over all, though he still has only fairly vague information about it, I suppose.

I can't possibly explain how good it felt to be back with the community.

Sedated

Well, it looks like the meds work.
I, of course, have mixed feelings about this.
Yesterday, I forgot to take my dose in the morning, and took what I was could for a late afternoon dose.
I calmed down.
It wasn't a ridiculous sedation or anything, and I didn't feel like I hit a brick wall that made all the bad stuff go away, it just made me more... logical, I guess. I calmed down.
By the time I heard from Mr Nice Guy, it'd been about 4 hours since I'd last heard from him and, of course, plenty had gone through my head by this point.
He called, saying he'd just dropped her off. The tone in my voice and the phrase "We'll talk about it when you get here" apparently tipped him off to just how wrong he was.
When he got here, the first words out of his mouth were "I'm an idiot. I didn't even think about it."
He was very apologetic and very sweet. We did, however discuss my feelings about that situation and her, and, as it turns out, she knows/knew Madman and some of his friends. I'll avoid explaining her incriminating comment and why I further lost respect for someone I have never met, but, yes, I care for her even less than I did before. She'll be leaving for basic training before Mr Nice Guy and I get back from T-City, and words can't express my happiness at this. I am not the judgmental type, as a rule, but basic courtesies are sort of a requirement in my book, and, when someone's hanging out with my boyfriend without me around, well, there's protocol.
Today is better. I'm hanging out, cleaning, doing laundry and packing, and taking my sweet time about it, which is nice to be able to do. Mr Nice Guy had a really rough day yesterday, but is doing better today. He stayed here later than usual last night so we could talk, and so we both felt better about everything that had happened. It was very much appreciated, too. He really is an awfully good man.

Hellfire

As is prone to happen, the Bear snuck up on me.
The bear is the only way I can reference this horrible person that pops into my head at marked times of the month.
I was doing so well on the anti-depressants and, well, what a day to forget my morning meds.

Mr. Nice Guy is out to dinner with a female friend.
In general, I have no issues with this. I trust him.
Her, on the other hand...
I was pretty passive about the first dinner they had when Mr Nice Guy and I first started seeing each other. I'm not the type to judge or be jealous.
So, when he mentioned this dinner with the same girl, I told him I'd like to meet her. She agreed.
Then changed her mind.
I don't know if it was her comment that she "saw no point" in meeting me or if it was the comment about how easily she makes enemies that set me on edge, but my general respect for this friend of my boyfriend's quickly fizzled.

Now, I haven't heard from him in three hours and he hasn't responded to a single text.
If I hear from him, I'm sure it'll get blown off to him having left his phone somewhere, but my heart hurts, and, even though I know most of it's hormones, and even though I took the allowed medication for this time of evening, I feel miserable and angry and hurt and jealous and depressed... And I'm just expecting him to blow me off for good. It's what men do.

It hurts so badly to think about all of this, but this is how I get when the "bear" wakes up, and I hate it. I just want so badly to hear from him, but mostly, just to feel like everything's okay. I know I can handle anything, but this isn't something I expected to have to deal with. He's been so respectful and made such an effort at letting me know what was going on, this just shakes me to the bone....

OThou Whose tests are a healing medicine to such as are nigh unto Thee, Whose sword is the ardent desire of all them that love Thee, Whose dart is the dearest wish of those hearts that yearn after Thee, Whose decree is the sole hope of them that have recognized Thy truth!  I implore Thee, by Thy divine sweetness and by the splendors of the glory of Thy face, to send down upon us from Thy retreats on high that which will enable us to draw nigh unto Thee.  Set, then, our feet firm, O my God, in Thy Cause, and enlighten our hearts with the effulgence of Thy knowledge, and illumine our breasts with the brightness of Thy names.

Bahá’u’lláh

Attention & Intention

I was sitting back, catching up on some of my favorite blogs, when I stumbled across this over at One Baha'i's Approach.
Meade talks about something that really hit home with me right about now: core activities outside the 'norm'.
As I've said here, I haven't been involved with my local community for a couple months now, though this may change shortly, with some recent improvements to communication. My local community is far more conservative than what my experience had been thus far, and, having been raised Catholic, there are some parts of conservatism that make me quite uncomfortable.
Not having children, I haven't been involved as much as I would like with children in general.
Devotionals, however, have been a rather different story.
I have been blessed to recently be able to start teaching Mr Nice Guy about the Faith, and he has been quite receptive. Being in the military, well, I talk about the Faith openly, but it is a heavily Christian sort of community, and, all too often, the most I can do is be open to questions and discussions. Perhaps this counts as a combination of devotionals and home visits? I'm not entirely sure.

My earlier reference to improved communication was not passing. I recently got a response to my email to my fellow Baha'i about his efforts and my feelings on them. He apologized, and, much to my surprise, agreed with me on several counts. He said he realized that our community needed to be more open-minded. This surprised me, but I was glad to hear it. We have a Reflections gathering tomorrow night that I think I may attend, though it's more than a little overwhelming to think about at this point.

Center

I've been on leave since the 29th of June.
It's the first leave (vacation time) I've taken in a year, and it's much over due.
I'm enjoying sleeping in, relaxing and having time for myself, rather than trying to squeeze in everything I need to do or should do between 10-12 hours of work each day.
I feel like me again.
I feel the hormones fluctuating, and worry when Mr Nice Guy might be baptized by fire, and just how badly. I no longer worry about my reaction to the hell-fires, but Mr Nice Guy is someone I want in my life and who fits with me in a way I can't explain. I can't stand the idea of losing him. He's local, so I know I'll likely at least be able to see him when it all hits, which will either help or do infinite amounts of damage, and I know he's pretty touchy-feely, so I can only hope that he'll be the one to put his arms around me when I fall apart, rather than run like so many others have.
I knew in my heart I would have dealt with Madman's own particular breed of gruff love and attitude for as long as he'd have let me. I also knew, though, that he didn't treat me the way I wanted and being with him would likely mean giving up several things that were important to me- having shared faith, children, open and honest communication...
Mr Nice Guy is the one who doesn't make me give up anything. I'm not afraid to talk to him, he accepts me for just who I am, wants children, believes in God and wants to share that with me. I'm not scared to see how he will react to his own children, or how thoroughly he'll hold on to a grudge against his parents. He was very hurt when his parents divorced in his adulthood, but, impressively, he is still very close to both of his parents as well as his older sister. I think he tends to lean more towards his father now, while that wasn't the case before the divorce, but he frequently speaks to both of his parents and his sister. If I speak to my own sister twice in a month, it's unusual, sadly, and my mother, well, lack of her presence in my life is simply better for the entire family at this point.
I want the kind of family he has, and I would love to see it flow naturally into our future.

My dad was talking to me a couple weeks ago, and mentioned that one of his doctors suggested he go see a psychiatrist to help him manage his depression. I'm not sure what he said to her, but his response to this, in speaking to me, was to get rather upset and say that he knew that his depression stemmed from perceived emotional abuse by his father when he was a child, and that any doctor he saw would tell him the same thing. It's no surprise to me at this point that my father went through what he did, and it's nothing new for me to hear him voice it. The voice in the back of my head, though, that spoke up this time is something new. In my head I heard "I don't want to be that way."
My mother did what she did, and is who she is.
I was raped twice, as well as molested as a young child.
I lost a lot of people in my life, through death and other events.
I don't want to be fifty-eight years old, with two grown children, and still know that the problems I have then are the cause of something that occurred long before I ever thought of having children of my own.
It's occurred to me since then that a) I have come a long way already and b) each generation's goal is, mostly, to improve upon what their own parents were. I know I can do this without disrespecting or looking down on what my own parents are/were.

It's driven me crazy, in the past, that I didn't have the daughter I carried, however briefly.
Now, though, I see how much better my childrens' lives will be for waiting until later to have children.
Now, I look forward to what my children will have and be, because I know I am capable of loving them and truly enjoying their lives without my own past making me paranoid or otherwise less than present for my children.
Now, I'm ready to move forward.

So Much

I met Mr. Nice Guy on June 17th.
Today is July 6th.
So much has happened.
Maybe two days prior to meeting Mr Nice Guy, I gave in and did something I had battled against, literally, for years. I asked for help.
I have PMDD- Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

Generally, two days a month- separate days- I fall apart in the most complete sense of the phrase.
There have been times I genuinely questioned whether I would survive the day without committing suicide. The complete, and total darkness I fall into, generally one day around ovulation and one shortly before menstruating, is a black abyss that I never get used to, and, in all honesty, I am truly surprised it hasn't killed me yet.

I saw a doctor one day, after my father's illness got worse, the end of my relationship with Madman, some fairly serious problems at work, money problems, and a major change in plans for the next year of my life all came at once. I asked for anti-depressants, and gave her a very detailed history, to include my mother's Munchausens' syndrome, alcoholism, etc and fathers various health issues, and history of chronic depression. I have been on the medication since mid June, and, well, I haven't had any "bad days" so far.
The string of events that occurred still seems incredible to me.

My relationship with Madman exploded in a way I honestly did not think would ever happen. I truly believed our back-and-forth frustration was something that we'd work through, that would surely get better in time, but honestly believed that we'd end up married and together for life, in spite of ourselves.

I don't know if my mood bottoming out or the break up came first, but the combination of one of my "bad days" (there just aren't words to describe days filled with such terror as some of those have brought me) together with the events of our break up forced me to a point of depression that I couldn't deny. I had to break that horrible cycle.

Within days of doing what I had to in order to get better, I met Mr Nice Guy.
Any fan of psychology 101 will look at this chain of events and say that my accepting help was an acceptance of myself in some ways, and, therefor, opened me up to relationship possibilities I may not have welcomed before. Makes sense.
I tend toward the spiritual or holistic ways of looking at it, as I seriously doubt bottoming out in the days prior to meeting someone wonderfully compatible with you is statistically likely.
However, the truth of the matter is, I really don't care why it happened.
I'm just happy it did.

We're still in the early weeks of a relationship, but, I am happy to find myself still enjoying and appreciating his company and attention. He went up to K-town to meet some very close friends of mine over the 4th of July weekend, and, despite his utterly, painfully shy nature, he impressed me greatly. He tolerated my love of people and my need to be surrounded by the people I care about, and seemed to, in a way, enjoy from the background my love of attention. He rode a mechanical bull for the first time- and this four-eyed, quiet, So You Think You Can Dance-watching, flip-flop and jeans-wearing nerd made folks who had ridden a hundred times look pathetic. I was beyond impressed. Then he proceeded to come out with me (voluntarily!!) on to the dance floor and verrry quickly pick up both The Cupid Shuffle and the line dance to Copperhead Road. I was impressed that he was willing to even try, the fact that he had both down within the first time seeing it done just blew me away. I pretended not to notice the gawkers as I held his hand while I showed him the steps. I know we look very different- and we are- and I know these ego-maniacal types who think because I'm "pretty" I should limit myself to dating "hot" men. What they just don't get is that, even though his personality is what absolutely means the most to me, I don't see a nerd when I look at him. I see past the glasses and shy demeanor and see the thick, toned biceps, broad shoulders and toned, muscular chest. I get that everyone else stops looking the second they throw him into one of their mental categories, but, if I had done that... Wow.
If I had turned my attention away the second I realized he wasn't "cool", I'd have missed out on someone who makes me laugh even when I don't want to, who says sweet things that I was convinced only were in sappy chick flicks, who holds my hand in public, who genuinely likes my company and the way I think, who gets a major kick out of catching other guys looking at his girlfriend, who has no problem with my blatant honesty, or other less-than-admirable qualities and who was excited when I told him my definition of intimacy was being able to pray with someone I'm in a relationship- something, by the way, that has yet to happen for me at all.

I have fallen in love with Mr Nice Guy. After dating men that I thought would take care of me and a family in the future, I found a man who loves me and appreciates who I am right now and has no intention of being anywhere but by my side in the future.

It has all happened very quickly. He has met my father, my friends and I have met some of his friends, and will travel with him to T-City for a week this Saturday to meet his family and childhood friends, all of whom are actively Christian.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified at all of this, but, well, I've never been happier, and it scares me.
I feel like we're starting off together, not ending up together, and that makes a world of difference. I don't feel like I have to find a place in his life, nor him in mine. It seems as though we're building a new life, together, from scratch. We're building a life of dancing, dedication, faith, love and family.