Intimations Of Intimate Details

How do you deal with someone spilling personal details about you that you expected to be kept between the two of you?

I asked someone I had been close with about a friend of his, and he proceeded to give me the guys number, as we had met before.

It turns out my friend had divulged some very personal info to this guy without my knowledge, who then regurgitated it back to me when I explained my feelings for him.

Embarrassed, hurt and angry just don't seem to cover the emotions pulsing through my body right now. 

I'm sitting in the middle of Starbucks, using the net, and amazed that the tears piled up inside me aren't pouring down my face. My face is so hot with embarrassment, I feel like I'm standing inches from the business end of a blow torch. 

I feel so used, and so exposed. I feel sick.

After a month of making such a huge point of being alone, and trying like the devil to do the right thing and be the woman, the lady I want to be, and working SO HARD at it all, I get thrown under the emotional bus. 

I hate this. 

I want to crawl into bed and never come out.

On The New

So, here comes 2011- and my 25th birthday- headed straight for me.
What am I going to change?
Pretty much everything I haven't already.
Mostly, I'm hoping a relationship is in my near future.
I don't see a long-distance relationship being too sustainable for me, at least one that starts off as long distance. I have a couple really good men in my life who I care about a lot, and, I guess, I should be used to being alone at this point, but that doesn't mean I like it. I absolutely hate the feeling of falling asleep alone every night, knowing I'm not even really working toward anything in that department.
I've been alone in my own bed every night. I finally am getting used to it, and am cutting ties with past relationships and such that are not feasible as friends. This isn't much fun now, but I know it's for the best.
Better things to come.

Change Over

So, I've spent 22 days away from guys in general.
Doesn't sound like much, huh?
Sad, but it is the fruit of telling myself "bet ya can't do it".
There are always nights I just don't want to be alone, and I had a system of keeping myself from having to be alone.
22 days, and today is 5 months after Danger's death.
It hasn't been as hard as I expected, but I'm happy it's a habit broken.
A friend of mine is trying to set me up with someone he works with. We'll see how/if it goes.
I've decided there are rules I'm putting in place for myself, some sound obvious, but haven't been to me thus far.
Like not being alone with a man who isn't my own.
It just leaves too much room for other people's questions, and for lonliness to take over. Too many risks. Those risks inevitably hurt afterwards. Going from lonely and alone to having someone to cover the gap without filling it and back to lonely and alone when they step outside the room is one of the most painful things I've been through.
I've also gotten very picky. I'm tired of feeling like I'm accepting someone into my life because they love me and not because I love them like I should and want to spend my life with them- or at least see if I can. I'm just tired of the same old thing. I'm tired of going in circles. There's got to be more than this.

Exhale

I'm lacking internet access in my room, currently, which is seriously inhibiting my blogging time.
Inhibition of my blogging time actually inhibits my willingness to write, because I see little point in doing it simply for myself, not that I tend to think I have a great following, but at least I know somebody reads it.
Inhibiting my writing tends to lead to mental constipation, and, well, that's not pretty.

Work is going well, though I'm staying incredibly busy. I finally have an NCOIC, though I know the ins and outs so well, a lot of it still falls on my shoulders, which is just fine with me. I will be going to the promotion board in either January or February, depending on who you ask. My immediate leadership quotes the regulation, and says 60 days is the minimum, while 1sg says I was simply handling my business and it will be January for sure. My Soldier is squared away, and we're working on taking care of her weight issues, but I'm incredibly proud of the work she's been doing to fix that particular problem.

Personal life is near non-existent at this point, and it's maybe better that way. I've been talking to a friend of a friend off and on for a while now, and he wants to come see me. He's a sweet prior-Army Mexican guy with three little boys who are incredibly well-behaved and he doesn't yell at them at all. It will be nice to see him, even if nothing comes of it.

Bunny and I dated briefly, but I ended it, as much out of frustration as anything. He is such a wonderful person and I adore him, but I was frustrated with wondering what our life would be like if he couldn't even take care of his own. Maybe I gave up. I just know that, now that we're just friends, he's trying to get his act together, and I'm proud of him. He's too good to just let his life trample him.

I miss Bright Eyes and Angel Eyes, and I have mixed feelings about those feelings. I don't know what to think that I can miss someone else's child like that.

I've got a bit of a cold today, and I'm groggy from the medicine. I was supposed to take a PT test today, but it got moved back to tomorrow.