Ella Phant

I woke up with an elephant sized ball of anxiety in my chest.
I'm such a mess today, and it keeps getting worse.
It's not even ten yet and I've already cried twice.
This isn't who I want to be, or where I want to be.

I nearly ran someone over last night, when I went to pick Mr Nice Guy up from work. I was driving down a road that wasn't blocked off, but was full of runners. I slowed down to a crawl (10 mph in a 25 or 30 zone) and I had my driver's side window open, like I usually do. Some guy in Pt's ran up to my window, close enough his head was nearly in my window, and screamed at me to slow the H down... It startled and scared me so badly, the one hand I had on the wheel nearly jerked in his direction. I haven't completely come down from that since. Mr Nice Guy bought me Chinese food and spoiled me rotten last night, putting up with me watching my favorite show for several hours, and not complaining in the least. It felt good, but I didn't like that he keeps having to take care of me. This morning, I pushed him away when he tried to get too close- my anxiety just keeps going up, and I pushed him away because I'm so scared and so on edge today. I'm a wreck. It makes it so much worse that I really feel like I've hurt him, that I'm not taking care of him and that my entire relationship with him has been put on his shoulders. I'm falling apart at the seams today, and can't seem to get it together. I don't want this mess to be me. I look like I've aged a decade in the last six months.
I'll be twenty six in January. I already feel like I'm in my forties, I'm just so tired.