Dark words

I watched one of those scared straight tv shows tonight. After it was over, I thought to myself that it was too bad they didnt have a similar program for other bad choices people make when they are young, to present them with all the very real possibilities. I remember a doctor asking me when I was getting ready to get my tubes tied, cut and burnt what if I changed my mind later. I didn't want that option, I told her. I didn't want to pass on my problems to my children. Nobody suggested that these "problems" might go away, or might not be what they appeared. Everyone was satisfied with an eighteen year old little girl saying, despite wishing she had managed to give birth to and keep a daughter that was a product of rape, that she didn't want to be able to change her mind. This still blows me away, more with every year that passes.
I got thinking about what I would tell my mother if she ever really wanted the whole truth... It's not very nice. I would tell her that she came by her drinking problem rightfully- but at least her father admitted to having one, even if he never accepted help. She could benefit from taking his example. I would tell her my worst fear in life is becoming her, and I spend every day trying to avoid being anything like her, that I have spent every un-drugged moment of my adult life striving to be as little like her as possible. I don't want to cheat on men who treat me as good as they are humanly capable of. I don't want to drag my children through different mens homes, or separate them from a father who loves them. I don't want to fly into drunken rages, or need to find excuse after excuse because I'm not strong enough to face the reality that my own choices brought me to the place and situation at hand. I don't want to spend the rest of my life a bitter victim, rather than a happy survivor. I pray that nurture is stronger than nature, because my children will inherit some of her genetics. I don't want to see my children make themselves a victim, I want to see them become strong, independent and free thinking individuals who make every choice they are presented with knowing that they are also accepting all the unknowns and consequences that come with that choice. I am scared for my children. All I really want is for them to be better people than I have been.