Kicker hasn't bothered to speak to me if it isn't avoidable in the line of duty.
I was hurt for a while, but it's been over a week now, and I'm tired of being mad, or hurt, or even acknowledging his existence and the damage he did.
I do not, however, have any regrets, and know I am doing better where relationships are concerned.
I dreamt of Danger last night, vividly. I refuse to recount the dream, because there's so little of him that's just mine at this point, and, well, I want to be greedy about this little part.
I miss him desperately, though last night was the best dream I've ever had, perhaps, and led me to believe that some things will be clarified for me in the next week. I am so in love with this man, even nearing a year after his death. I want to hold on to the feeling of faith, hope and love that dream gave me forever- even the slight twinge of pain that accompanied these feelings.
I don't know what answers I will have, but something will come.
I miss him and love him so much.
I've began keeping my distance from my local Baha'i community, though I hate to say so. I find myself feeling guilty and stretched thinner and thinner and weaker, rather than stronger, when I am around them too much. I do not feel uplifted, I feel drained and like less of a person, so I stay to myself and do what I can to learn what I should on my own.
I have planned to take some leave, though I'm still deciding what it is I'll do during this time.
I somehow feel hopeful today, though sad. I feel closer to Danger than I have in quite some time.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Game?
I reached the end of my rope yesterday.
After asking Kicker a handful of times to tell me if he even wanted me around, to no response, and constantly being left in his dust, after being told I shouldn't make him the center of my world (um, not an issue when I see someone so little), after begging him to show affection, to be there to do anything that made me think he gave a hoot, I walked away.
He was on a 5-hour run with his motorcycle club, and I packed my stuff n left before he got home, leaving a note and all the conversations, no matter how useless and one-sided, for him to, I had hoped, sort through n come to his senses n tell me he wanted me in his life.
I have yet to hear a word from him, and I'm never going to drop what little pride I have left after fighting for this for 3 weeks and doing it alone and contact him first- I just won't. If he doesn't care enough to reach out to me, then he never cared that much in the first place.
I hate that it came to this, but fighting to have someone care at all isn't the way a relationship is supposed to be.
Another one bites the dust in 3 weeks.
After asking Kicker a handful of times to tell me if he even wanted me around, to no response, and constantly being left in his dust, after being told I shouldn't make him the center of my world (um, not an issue when I see someone so little), after begging him to show affection, to be there to do anything that made me think he gave a hoot, I walked away.
He was on a 5-hour run with his motorcycle club, and I packed my stuff n left before he got home, leaving a note and all the conversations, no matter how useless and one-sided, for him to, I had hoped, sort through n come to his senses n tell me he wanted me in his life.
I have yet to hear a word from him, and I'm never going to drop what little pride I have left after fighting for this for 3 weeks and doing it alone and contact him first- I just won't. If he doesn't care enough to reach out to me, then he never cared that much in the first place.
I hate that it came to this, but fighting to have someone care at all isn't the way a relationship is supposed to be.
Another one bites the dust in 3 weeks.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Patience
Kicker and I are doing well- sort of.
Monday will be 3 weeks we've been together, and, yes, the man is irritating me, but not in the way I would have expected. I barely see him, as he's busy between playing with his truck n motorcycles and his motorcycle club. My patience is wearing thin, but I am trying to hang in there. He swears it'll slow down soon. Even when I am staying at his place, I barely see him lately. I spent a lot of money for his birthday, and, well, it was a rough night in the end. He really does work hard to take care of me and to try to fix things that I'm having trouble with/upset about. Effort is something I haven't seen a lot of from guys, and it means a lot to me that he's trying as hard as he is. None the less, I continue to struggle with my own feelings of frustration and disappointment when I don't see him or hear his voice for days at a time, and when he sleeps for 12 hours or more, only to get up and be on the run again as soon as his feet hit the ground.
I'm holding on, though it's getting harder and harder. I doubt there's much I wouldn't do for him, though I've found myself spending time with other people more than him, some being guys. I haven't cheated on him, and I doubt I ever could. I find myself sending male friends text messages of things I'd rather be saying to him, because I know I won't get a response from him. I find myself doing things with them I'd rather be doing with him, because I know he doesn't have the time/energy to do them with me.
I care about him more than words can express, and I'm holding on for dear life, trying to learn to take responsibility for my own emotions while attempting to find a balance between doing things to make myself feel better and trying to ensure I don't end up emotionally unfaithful.
This is a hard road, my friends, and this is only my relationship.
I suppose struggling with this, I should be more concerned by my newly discovered fascination with Mae West.
Work is getting more and more complicated and frustrating, with many changes being made. I finally have someone in charge besides myself, and, while I'd thought this would make life easier, mostly, it's changed the majority of what I was comfortable with. I'm still doing the vast majority of what I was already responsible for, so to say he's doing a lot may be questionable. I stayed at work late at least 4 out of 5 nights this past week, while he left at 2 one of those days, instructing the junior Soldiers that we shouldn't be leaving before 3:30. To say I disagree with his particular style of leadership may be an understatement- we are nearly complete opposites. I enjoy people and goofing off and having fun, and he thinks they won't respect my opinion as a medic because I joke around with them.
I will fight for my Soldiers every time, and he just doesn't seem to care about them.
Dad is going through a bankruptcy and I am barely staying afloat myself, so I have been unable to help. There's always something that requires more money than I expected, though that may be a bit of an understatement lately.
I'm struggling. I haven't given up, but, boy am I struggling.
Monday will be 3 weeks we've been together, and, yes, the man is irritating me, but not in the way I would have expected. I barely see him, as he's busy between playing with his truck n motorcycles and his motorcycle club. My patience is wearing thin, but I am trying to hang in there. He swears it'll slow down soon. Even when I am staying at his place, I barely see him lately. I spent a lot of money for his birthday, and, well, it was a rough night in the end. He really does work hard to take care of me and to try to fix things that I'm having trouble with/upset about. Effort is something I haven't seen a lot of from guys, and it means a lot to me that he's trying as hard as he is. None the less, I continue to struggle with my own feelings of frustration and disappointment when I don't see him or hear his voice for days at a time, and when he sleeps for 12 hours or more, only to get up and be on the run again as soon as his feet hit the ground.
I'm holding on, though it's getting harder and harder. I doubt there's much I wouldn't do for him, though I've found myself spending time with other people more than him, some being guys. I haven't cheated on him, and I doubt I ever could. I find myself sending male friends text messages of things I'd rather be saying to him, because I know I won't get a response from him. I find myself doing things with them I'd rather be doing with him, because I know he doesn't have the time/energy to do them with me.
I care about him more than words can express, and I'm holding on for dear life, trying to learn to take responsibility for my own emotions while attempting to find a balance between doing things to make myself feel better and trying to ensure I don't end up emotionally unfaithful.
This is a hard road, my friends, and this is only my relationship.
I suppose struggling with this, I should be more concerned by my newly discovered fascination with Mae West.
Work is getting more and more complicated and frustrating, with many changes being made. I finally have someone in charge besides myself, and, while I'd thought this would make life easier, mostly, it's changed the majority of what I was comfortable with. I'm still doing the vast majority of what I was already responsible for, so to say he's doing a lot may be questionable. I stayed at work late at least 4 out of 5 nights this past week, while he left at 2 one of those days, instructing the junior Soldiers that we shouldn't be leaving before 3:30. To say I disagree with his particular style of leadership may be an understatement- we are nearly complete opposites. I enjoy people and goofing off and having fun, and he thinks they won't respect my opinion as a medic because I joke around with them.
I will fight for my Soldiers every time, and he just doesn't seem to care about them.
Dad is going through a bankruptcy and I am barely staying afloat myself, so I have been unable to help. There's always something that requires more money than I expected, though that may be a bit of an understatement lately.
I'm struggling. I haven't given up, but, boy am I struggling.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Rolling Stone
It's a new month, my dear friends, and, as these things tend to happen for me, I'm on to a new place in my life. Things with Cowboy spiraled downward quickly after my last post, half due to Doc and half due to Cowboy being completely ungrateful for what I'd been doing. I had some very, very dark days around that time, and fell apart. Only in retrospect could I see that dishes, parenting someone else's daughter, helping pay bills, cooking, cleaning and being the only one actually going to work in addition to everything else I was dealing with was half the cause. After a couple of very bad days only made worse by his refusal to be there for me in any way shape or form, he informed me that either I could make a decision or wait for him to make one as to whether or not he wanted to be with me.
I said goodbye.
I don't regret it in the least.
Since then, a passing friendship at work has blossomed into something I'm quite impressed with.
It's not perfect. It's not flawless or everything I'd ever expected, but we're working on it, and it makes me happy more often than not.
He's been divorced as long as I have, no children, and a backwoods country boy with a big, jacked up truck n a couple motorcycles. Oh, and his dog is awesome!
It's been 2 weeks tomorrow (I had to do the math, it feels like we've been together longer) since we really started seeing each other outside of work. I feel like I've grown up about 10 years in these last two weeks. The realization that I still try to make other people responsible for my emotions shot me like an arrow yesterday, and seems to be that missing link that I've needed for a long time. It hit me suddenly and completely, and made me take a lot more responsibility for my own crap. Kicker has been incredibly patient with me and he and I talked quite a bit today. It's beginning to occur to me that he's a lot like me in some ways- like trying to sit down and talk to him doesn't work. If we're driving down the street and I bring something up, he talks to me, even if I have to redirect his attention to the topic I need clarified a few times. He can dance, he's got big brown eyes that make me go weak and a sweet smile. He's made a huge effort to correct anything that I asked him to, and just been incredibly patient.
The amount of work-it-out we've shown in these last two weeks amazes and impresses me.
I don't know if this is forever, but it's worth every bit of effort and hope and patience I can muster.
I said goodbye.
I don't regret it in the least.
Since then, a passing friendship at work has blossomed into something I'm quite impressed with.
It's not perfect. It's not flawless or everything I'd ever expected, but we're working on it, and it makes me happy more often than not.
He's been divorced as long as I have, no children, and a backwoods country boy with a big, jacked up truck n a couple motorcycles. Oh, and his dog is awesome!
It's been 2 weeks tomorrow (I had to do the math, it feels like we've been together longer) since we really started seeing each other outside of work. I feel like I've grown up about 10 years in these last two weeks. The realization that I still try to make other people responsible for my emotions shot me like an arrow yesterday, and seems to be that missing link that I've needed for a long time. It hit me suddenly and completely, and made me take a lot more responsibility for my own crap. Kicker has been incredibly patient with me and he and I talked quite a bit today. It's beginning to occur to me that he's a lot like me in some ways- like trying to sit down and talk to him doesn't work. If we're driving down the street and I bring something up, he talks to me, even if I have to redirect his attention to the topic I need clarified a few times. He can dance, he's got big brown eyes that make me go weak and a sweet smile. He's made a huge effort to correct anything that I asked him to, and just been incredibly patient.
The amount of work-it-out we've shown in these last two weeks amazes and impresses me.
I don't know if this is forever, but it's worth every bit of effort and hope and patience I can muster.
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