Rolling Stone

It's a new month, my dear friends, and, as these things tend to happen for me, I'm on to a new place in my life. Things with Cowboy spiraled downward quickly after my last post, half due to Doc and half due to Cowboy being completely ungrateful for what I'd been doing. I had some very, very dark days around that time, and fell apart. Only in retrospect could I see that dishes, parenting someone else's daughter, helping pay bills, cooking, cleaning and being the only one actually going to work in addition to everything else I was dealing with was half the cause. After a couple of very bad days only made worse by his refusal to be there for me in any way shape or form, he informed me that either I could make a decision or wait for him to make one as to whether or not he wanted to be with me.
I said goodbye.
I don't regret it in the least.
Since then, a passing friendship at work has blossomed into something I'm quite impressed with.
It's not perfect. It's not flawless or everything I'd ever expected, but we're working on it, and it makes me happy more often than not.
He's been divorced as long as I have, no children, and a backwoods country boy with a big, jacked up truck n a couple motorcycles. Oh, and his dog is awesome!
It's been 2 weeks tomorrow (I had to do the math, it feels like we've been together longer) since we really started seeing each other outside of work. I feel like I've grown up about 10 years in these last two weeks. The realization that I still try to make other people responsible for my emotions shot me like an arrow yesterday, and seems to be that missing link that I've needed for a long time. It hit me suddenly and completely, and made me take a lot more responsibility for my own crap. Kicker has been incredibly patient with me and he and I talked quite a bit today. It's beginning to occur to me that he's a lot like me in some ways- like trying to sit down and talk to him doesn't work. If we're driving down the street and I bring something up, he talks to me, even if I have to redirect his attention to the topic I need clarified a few times. He can dance, he's got big brown eyes that make me go weak and a sweet smile. He's made a huge effort to correct anything that I asked him to, and just been incredibly patient.
The amount of work-it-out we've shown in these last two weeks amazes and impresses me.
I don't know if this is forever, but it's worth every bit of effort and hope and patience I can muster.