This NCO thing is catching.
So, responsibility seems to be the flavor of the phase right now.
Mr Nice Guy and I have made it nearly two months now- the longest to stick around (officially, anyhow) since Danger.
I love this man in ways I can't explain.
I always thought I was wide open, that I really didn't have any walls left. He is showing me I was wrong. Slowly, I see myself let walls down with him, trusting him not to abandon me, trusting him to not take advantage of me showing my slightly-less-rebellious side. Everyone at work sees the hard-ass, the one who doesn't take anything to heart, and gives everyone a hard time at every opportunity- the Soldier who holds everyone accountable.
Mr Nice Guy is actually having a hard time adapting to that part of my personality.
With him, I am insecure, emotional, overly-sensitive, horribly scared of losing someone I care about so much. I talk about the miscarriages, and babies, about my mother and what I want in the future, and what's bothering me from work. Slowly, I am learning to trust him not to walk away from me, or give up on me. I thanked him last night, for letting me trust him. He thanked me for not running away when it seemed too good to be true. I love him so much. He has certainly seen my bad days- I am not proud of how harsh I have been to and with him when the hormones and fear start flowing- and he has persevered. He loves me, even though he knows I'm not always the nicest person, even though I've been rude to him far more than he deserves.
Yet I caught myself playing the Plan B game last week- the what-if game. If this doesn't work out, who would I date. I'm wrong for that. I don't want to even think this could fall apart. I love this man, he loves me, and I want this forever.
He's surely getting more comfortable with me, and with what I want from my future, too. The more insecure I am, the more I tend to talk about the things I want from the future (marriage, kids, etc.) and, usually, that does a pretty good job of making anyone who doesn't want those things run for the hills. I realized a few days ago, that, since Mr Nice Guy and I had the conversation about what we think is the right time frame to consider marriage (not as long as the year and a half or so he was in his last relationship for, as it turns out), I haven't really felt I needed to ask him or talk to him so much about it. I am more and more secure with him. I really feel like forever is becoming more of an inevitable outcome, rather than a hopeful thing for us. Well, I had realized I didn't feel the need to talk about it all the time and I was happy about that. And then, yesterday, as we were leaving Carlsbad Caverns, I handed him a key chain with the Kokopelli symbol on it- a symbol, to me, of my stepfather and protection, but also, to a much broader chunk of the population, a symbol of fertility. Mr Nice Guy smiled at it, then tapped me on the arm with it a couple times and says "There, you have been beaten with the symbol of fertility! Now have some babies, dammit!"
You want to talk about surprised....
It took me quite a while to really process that, above and beyond his goofy nature, he was comfortable enough to casually talk and joke about us having children. This did wonders for my nerves.
It seems like every single time we go somewhere public, I see a man, either with a wife or child, or sometimes just a drunk guy at the bar, and, as I bristle at that man's behavior, I inevitably realize that Mr Nice Guy would never behave the way so many of them do. He wouldn't dream of speaking down to me, or talking to a child like they're worthless or somehow inept because of their size/lack of adulthood. He would never get cut off at a bar, because he doesn't lose his cool just because there's alcohol in his system. He is a good man. And I am so proud of him.
No comments:
Post a Comment