Tonight, Mr Nice Guy took me up to a beautiful spot on the side of a mountain, overlooking an unusually foggy (but still lit up and beautiful) view of my hometown, and asked me to marry him.
If you hadn't guessed, I said yes.
It's still sinking in, I know, but I'm so in love with him.
Things are hard with this treatment stuff, and, today in particular, I've felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards. I felt anger, anxiety, fear, frustration and confusion all at once. I don't know what will happen to me. I don't know if I'll get a whole lot better than this. All I know is that, either way, there is someone in this world who has said he wants me to be his family, wife and the mother of his children. After having such an incredibly difficult time with my own (biological) family, the realization that someone CHOSE ME for their family, for their legitimate, legal, nobody-can-question-this FAMILY, is incredibly powerful.
I'm scared and worried, but I know that this man is the one I was supposed to find.
I love Danger.
I will ALWAYS love Danger.
I will always have some regrets where he is concerned- and, honestly, there is nothing else in the world I have true regrets over.
I have come to understand, though, over these past few days, that, as much as I have always loved Danger, as much as he was my absolute ideal, he was not the person I was supposed to wind up with. Danger was a very, very good man. I love the lessons he taught me. The place he was at, the ability he had to accept everything.... It was something that I couldn't handle. Things that he accepted were often things I could not. I see now that these were reasons I didn't open up to this man the way I've opened up to Mr Nice Guy. It just wasn't who Danger was to take things too seriously or stress about them. He wasn't hyper-sensitive and didn't over-think things like I do. That made me feel inadequate. HE never made me feel inadequate, he loved me. I didn't even understand that's what I was feeling at that point. I couldn't get myself to trust him because I honestly believed he was too good to be true, and that I couldn't be good enough or strong enough for someone like that. I felt TOO MUCH to belong to someone so tough.
I'm sure he would have disagreed, had I had the insight to be able to explain this all to him before his death. I didn't, though, and, no matter how much I love him, I don't know that him understanding that would have healed the wounds that caused those feelings to begin with. I will always love Danger, and I miss him madly, but he's happy that I'm happy. I know this in my heart. I truly believe he helped lead me to find this man, and I'm still more grateful to him for his presence in my life after the end of his own. I am lucky to have experienced a man like him. I am lucky to be able to look up to the sky and know someone like that loved me- and still does.
Rest In Peace, Babe. Your girl is safe. I love you.
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Bad Habits and Heartbreak
It's become shockingly, vividly clear to me as of late that Mr Nice Guy is, in reality, the first person I've ever truly been in love with.
I have always looked at people like they were stupid when they asked me how I knew I loved someone I was dating. I did love them, all of them. It's the nature of my heart to love- but I never knew it could be like this.
How could I?
To trust someone completely is something I never knew I hadn't experienced. I always thought that the way my relationships were is the way all relationships were and would be- I gave up things to be with that person, and sometimes that meant not telling them everything I'd hoped I'd be able to tell someone I loved. Now, though, it's like dawn finally came after a particularly long winter night.
There is nothing I can't tell him.
I've told him things I didn't even want to think about- because I needed someone to share that knowledge before I could face it as fact.
I'm sure there's some people who may not like the idea that I wasn't really in love before this. Honestly, it doesn't change the way I look at my past or those people I loved. I still love them, and always will, and, in the end, it's really the same thing it would have been if I had been in love with them- they weren't the one I needed to find. There are certain people who I think may have been that person, given different circumstances, and a select few who I genuinely believe helped to put me on the path to finding Mr Nice Guy. One in particular because he was the single most painful relationship I've been in, and certain others who, simply made me realize that there were men out there that would love me and treat me like an equal and a lady, and it wouldn't mean giving up everything to have that. In some ways, there are people I wish had been "that person", and I suppose grieving is a natural part of moving forward. I have lost in order to come to this point. I had to give up some people and some habits that would have held me back from being the person I need to be right now. It would be nice if I never had to, but, really, I don't think life works that way.
I have been through hell and back, and my relationships weren't always the best part of my life, though sometimes they were. I can't honestly say, though, that there is a single step I regret taking, although there are still very, very many questions I wish I'd had answered- and honestly.
A lot of my confusion surrounds Danger. The Lord knows I love that man. The problem was, I never got close enough to see all of the man I loved. I can't say who's at fault for that, or if it was nothing more than circumstance. I believe with all my heart that he loved me on some level, and I believe that he wanted me to be happy. I'm not quite as positive about all his intentions or plans, but I believe that, whatever else may have happened, that he was a good man with a good heart.
I just wish I knew more.
I will always love Danger, among others. It's time for me to grieve the loss of those good people I have loved, though, and realize that it's only through truly grieving that I allow myself to move forward.
Mr Nice Guy and I have discussed marriage and babies. I refuse to find myself surrounded by a family, only to realize that there is bitterness or disappointment in my heart. This life isn't how I dreamt it would be, but it is mine, and it may be the only one I have. I can't spend every moment steeped in regret.
I have always looked at people like they were stupid when they asked me how I knew I loved someone I was dating. I did love them, all of them. It's the nature of my heart to love- but I never knew it could be like this.
How could I?
To trust someone completely is something I never knew I hadn't experienced. I always thought that the way my relationships were is the way all relationships were and would be- I gave up things to be with that person, and sometimes that meant not telling them everything I'd hoped I'd be able to tell someone I loved. Now, though, it's like dawn finally came after a particularly long winter night.
There is nothing I can't tell him.
I've told him things I didn't even want to think about- because I needed someone to share that knowledge before I could face it as fact.
I'm sure there's some people who may not like the idea that I wasn't really in love before this. Honestly, it doesn't change the way I look at my past or those people I loved. I still love them, and always will, and, in the end, it's really the same thing it would have been if I had been in love with them- they weren't the one I needed to find. There are certain people who I think may have been that person, given different circumstances, and a select few who I genuinely believe helped to put me on the path to finding Mr Nice Guy. One in particular because he was the single most painful relationship I've been in, and certain others who, simply made me realize that there were men out there that would love me and treat me like an equal and a lady, and it wouldn't mean giving up everything to have that. In some ways, there are people I wish had been "that person", and I suppose grieving is a natural part of moving forward. I have lost in order to come to this point. I had to give up some people and some habits that would have held me back from being the person I need to be right now. It would be nice if I never had to, but, really, I don't think life works that way.
I have been through hell and back, and my relationships weren't always the best part of my life, though sometimes they were. I can't honestly say, though, that there is a single step I regret taking, although there are still very, very many questions I wish I'd had answered- and honestly.
A lot of my confusion surrounds Danger. The Lord knows I love that man. The problem was, I never got close enough to see all of the man I loved. I can't say who's at fault for that, or if it was nothing more than circumstance. I believe with all my heart that he loved me on some level, and I believe that he wanted me to be happy. I'm not quite as positive about all his intentions or plans, but I believe that, whatever else may have happened, that he was a good man with a good heart.
I just wish I knew more.
I will always love Danger, among others. It's time for me to grieve the loss of those good people I have loved, though, and realize that it's only through truly grieving that I allow myself to move forward.
Mr Nice Guy and I have discussed marriage and babies. I refuse to find myself surrounded by a family, only to realize that there is bitterness or disappointment in my heart. This life isn't how I dreamt it would be, but it is mine, and it may be the only one I have. I can't spend every moment steeped in regret.
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