Promise

Tonight, Mr Nice Guy took me up to a beautiful spot on the side of a mountain, overlooking an unusually foggy (but still lit up and beautiful) view of my hometown, and asked me to marry him.
If you hadn't guessed, I said yes.
It's still sinking in, I know, but I'm so in love with him.
Things are hard with this treatment stuff, and, today in particular, I've felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards. I felt anger, anxiety, fear, frustration and confusion all at once. I don't know what will happen to me. I don't know if I'll get a whole lot better than this. All I know is that, either way, there is someone in this world who has said he wants me to be his family, wife and the mother of his children. After having such an incredibly difficult time with my own (biological) family, the realization that someone CHOSE ME for their family, for their legitimate, legal, nobody-can-question-this FAMILY, is incredibly powerful.
I'm scared and worried, but I know that this man is the one I was supposed to find.
I love Danger.
I will ALWAYS love Danger.
I will always have some regrets where he is concerned- and, honestly, there is nothing else in the world I have true regrets over.
I have come to understand, though, over these past few days, that, as much as I have always loved Danger, as much as he was my absolute ideal, he was not the person I was supposed to wind up with. Danger was a very, very good man. I love the lessons he taught me. The place he was at, the ability he had to accept everything.... It was something that I couldn't handle. Things that he accepted were often things I could not. I see now that these were reasons I didn't open up to this man the way I've opened up to Mr Nice Guy. It just wasn't who Danger was to take things too seriously or stress about them. He wasn't hyper-sensitive and didn't over-think things like I do. That made me feel inadequate. HE never made me feel inadequate, he loved me. I didn't even understand that's what I was feeling at that point. I couldn't get myself to trust him because I honestly believed he was too good to be true, and that I couldn't be good enough or strong enough for someone like that. I felt TOO MUCH to belong to someone so tough.
I'm sure he would have disagreed, had I had the insight to be able to explain this all to him before his death. I didn't, though, and, no matter how much I love him, I don't know that him understanding that would have healed the wounds that caused those feelings to begin with. I will always love Danger, and I miss him madly, but he's happy that I'm happy. I know this in my heart. I truly believe he helped lead me to find this man, and I'm still more grateful to him for his presence in my life after the end of his own. I am lucky to have experienced a man like him. I am lucky to be able to look up to the sky and know someone like that loved me- and still does.
Rest In Peace, Babe. Your girl is safe. I love you.

My Final Email

The BS about the house is done- my boyfriend is taking a squad of guys over to put everything we own in garbage bags and into a storage facility until we can sort through it all. The roommate announced today he will be changing the locks Saturday, despite the fact we paid rent this month. He says that rent was for last month.... Don't even get me started on that.
My father informed me the other night that I hurt the feelings of the man that made me feel unsafe in my own "home"- the man who yelled and threatened me in a drunken rage hardly over a week ago. I spent three hours drowning in an anxiety attack that night.
....but I hurt his feelings?!
Apparently, my email in response to his "I'm sorry, but YOU..." "apology" was hurtful and unnecessary.
My father took the side of this man... and stood by watching all of this....
He tells me he's only being nice to keep himself in a place to live, but I gave him leads to other places more than six months ago, and originally found this place for him over a YEAR ago... He tells me he hates living there because of this guy, but sides with him against his daughter- the one who sent him $500 a month for the majority of my two year tour in Korea.....
How am I supposed to handle this?
I've already lost my mother, and I've tried to ignore and/or brush off the "I'm so broke" guilt trips from the man who clears at least what I do every month, and now this.... I really thought I'd been a good daughter. He said I had. If I didn't do anything wrong, though, if I was a good daughter, why am I constantly being guilted about money I can't afford to give him? And why would he take the side of this man against me? I can't do anything else to help him, especially now. I am going to outpatient therapy every weekday. I am so broken emotionally it's incredible... How am I expected to find this man yet another place to live, help him with his bills and his depression right now?
I am so grateful for Mr Nice Guy in all of this... He tries to get me to get past the guilt, but I still haven't been able to, not about anything that's happened. He's been my protector, lover and best friend through all of this. He is the man I've waited for my entire life, and I intend to marry him... I just don't know if I'll have any family left speaking to me by the time I do.

In any case, I said all that to post this, the horrific email (possible triggers/PTSD):
I'm not going to argue point by point so you can just argue some more. All I'm going to say is that I should NEVER EVER feel threatened or unsafe in my own house, and I REFUSE to pay rent to someone who made me feel that way. I spent three hours having an anxiety attack because you decided to come home drunk and angry and threaten to throw me, my boyfriend and my dog out of the house- AGAIN! I forgave you the last two times, Craig. I've forgiven you too much. I don't pretend to understand what you have against me or women or whoever the F you're so angry at, but I have survived two rapes, six years of abuse at the hands of my own mother and three abusive relationships. I am in outpatient therapy at the behavioral health clinic because of the PTSD I fight every single day because of loud, aggressive, abusive people and if there's anything I have learned from the abuse I've taken in the past, it's that I do not have to stay in a situation where I feel threatened. You can't make your actions go away with a half-assed apology that BLAMES ME for YOUR BEHAVIOR. I'm sure you don't want my advice by this point, but I highly recommend you get sober and seek therapy for whatever you've been through that makes you feel like you can treat other human beings- especially women- this way. I wish I'd understood what struck me so wrong about you when I refused your advances so many months ago, because I never would have moved in. Matt and I will be out before the end of the month, and Sugar will be away from you much sooner.