Kicker hasn't bothered to speak to me if it isn't avoidable in the line of duty.
I was hurt for a while, but it's been over a week now, and I'm tired of being mad, or hurt, or even acknowledging his existence and the damage he did.
I do not, however, have any regrets, and know I am doing better where relationships are concerned.
I dreamt of Danger last night, vividly. I refuse to recount the dream, because there's so little of him that's just mine at this point, and, well, I want to be greedy about this little part.
I miss him desperately, though last night was the best dream I've ever had, perhaps, and led me to believe that some things will be clarified for me in the next week. I am so in love with this man, even nearing a year after his death. I want to hold on to the feeling of faith, hope and love that dream gave me forever- even the slight twinge of pain that accompanied these feelings.
I don't know what answers I will have, but something will come.
I miss him and love him so much.
I've began keeping my distance from my local Baha'i community, though I hate to say so. I find myself feeling guilty and stretched thinner and thinner and weaker, rather than stronger, when I am around them too much. I do not feel uplifted, I feel drained and like less of a person, so I stay to myself and do what I can to learn what I should on my own.
I have planned to take some leave, though I'm still deciding what it is I'll do during this time.
I somehow feel hopeful today, though sad. I feel closer to Danger than I have in quite some time.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Game?
I reached the end of my rope yesterday.
After asking Kicker a handful of times to tell me if he even wanted me around, to no response, and constantly being left in his dust, after being told I shouldn't make him the center of my world (um, not an issue when I see someone so little), after begging him to show affection, to be there to do anything that made me think he gave a hoot, I walked away.
He was on a 5-hour run with his motorcycle club, and I packed my stuff n left before he got home, leaving a note and all the conversations, no matter how useless and one-sided, for him to, I had hoped, sort through n come to his senses n tell me he wanted me in his life.
I have yet to hear a word from him, and I'm never going to drop what little pride I have left after fighting for this for 3 weeks and doing it alone and contact him first- I just won't. If he doesn't care enough to reach out to me, then he never cared that much in the first place.
I hate that it came to this, but fighting to have someone care at all isn't the way a relationship is supposed to be.
Another one bites the dust in 3 weeks.
After asking Kicker a handful of times to tell me if he even wanted me around, to no response, and constantly being left in his dust, after being told I shouldn't make him the center of my world (um, not an issue when I see someone so little), after begging him to show affection, to be there to do anything that made me think he gave a hoot, I walked away.
He was on a 5-hour run with his motorcycle club, and I packed my stuff n left before he got home, leaving a note and all the conversations, no matter how useless and one-sided, for him to, I had hoped, sort through n come to his senses n tell me he wanted me in his life.
I have yet to hear a word from him, and I'm never going to drop what little pride I have left after fighting for this for 3 weeks and doing it alone and contact him first- I just won't. If he doesn't care enough to reach out to me, then he never cared that much in the first place.
I hate that it came to this, but fighting to have someone care at all isn't the way a relationship is supposed to be.
Another one bites the dust in 3 weeks.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Patience
Kicker and I are doing well- sort of.
Monday will be 3 weeks we've been together, and, yes, the man is irritating me, but not in the way I would have expected. I barely see him, as he's busy between playing with his truck n motorcycles and his motorcycle club. My patience is wearing thin, but I am trying to hang in there. He swears it'll slow down soon. Even when I am staying at his place, I barely see him lately. I spent a lot of money for his birthday, and, well, it was a rough night in the end. He really does work hard to take care of me and to try to fix things that I'm having trouble with/upset about. Effort is something I haven't seen a lot of from guys, and it means a lot to me that he's trying as hard as he is. None the less, I continue to struggle with my own feelings of frustration and disappointment when I don't see him or hear his voice for days at a time, and when he sleeps for 12 hours or more, only to get up and be on the run again as soon as his feet hit the ground.
I'm holding on, though it's getting harder and harder. I doubt there's much I wouldn't do for him, though I've found myself spending time with other people more than him, some being guys. I haven't cheated on him, and I doubt I ever could. I find myself sending male friends text messages of things I'd rather be saying to him, because I know I won't get a response from him. I find myself doing things with them I'd rather be doing with him, because I know he doesn't have the time/energy to do them with me.
I care about him more than words can express, and I'm holding on for dear life, trying to learn to take responsibility for my own emotions while attempting to find a balance between doing things to make myself feel better and trying to ensure I don't end up emotionally unfaithful.
This is a hard road, my friends, and this is only my relationship.
I suppose struggling with this, I should be more concerned by my newly discovered fascination with Mae West.
Work is getting more and more complicated and frustrating, with many changes being made. I finally have someone in charge besides myself, and, while I'd thought this would make life easier, mostly, it's changed the majority of what I was comfortable with. I'm still doing the vast majority of what I was already responsible for, so to say he's doing a lot may be questionable. I stayed at work late at least 4 out of 5 nights this past week, while he left at 2 one of those days, instructing the junior Soldiers that we shouldn't be leaving before 3:30. To say I disagree with his particular style of leadership may be an understatement- we are nearly complete opposites. I enjoy people and goofing off and having fun, and he thinks they won't respect my opinion as a medic because I joke around with them.
I will fight for my Soldiers every time, and he just doesn't seem to care about them.
Dad is going through a bankruptcy and I am barely staying afloat myself, so I have been unable to help. There's always something that requires more money than I expected, though that may be a bit of an understatement lately.
I'm struggling. I haven't given up, but, boy am I struggling.
Monday will be 3 weeks we've been together, and, yes, the man is irritating me, but not in the way I would have expected. I barely see him, as he's busy between playing with his truck n motorcycles and his motorcycle club. My patience is wearing thin, but I am trying to hang in there. He swears it'll slow down soon. Even when I am staying at his place, I barely see him lately. I spent a lot of money for his birthday, and, well, it was a rough night in the end. He really does work hard to take care of me and to try to fix things that I'm having trouble with/upset about. Effort is something I haven't seen a lot of from guys, and it means a lot to me that he's trying as hard as he is. None the less, I continue to struggle with my own feelings of frustration and disappointment when I don't see him or hear his voice for days at a time, and when he sleeps for 12 hours or more, only to get up and be on the run again as soon as his feet hit the ground.
I'm holding on, though it's getting harder and harder. I doubt there's much I wouldn't do for him, though I've found myself spending time with other people more than him, some being guys. I haven't cheated on him, and I doubt I ever could. I find myself sending male friends text messages of things I'd rather be saying to him, because I know I won't get a response from him. I find myself doing things with them I'd rather be doing with him, because I know he doesn't have the time/energy to do them with me.
I care about him more than words can express, and I'm holding on for dear life, trying to learn to take responsibility for my own emotions while attempting to find a balance between doing things to make myself feel better and trying to ensure I don't end up emotionally unfaithful.
This is a hard road, my friends, and this is only my relationship.
I suppose struggling with this, I should be more concerned by my newly discovered fascination with Mae West.
Work is getting more and more complicated and frustrating, with many changes being made. I finally have someone in charge besides myself, and, while I'd thought this would make life easier, mostly, it's changed the majority of what I was comfortable with. I'm still doing the vast majority of what I was already responsible for, so to say he's doing a lot may be questionable. I stayed at work late at least 4 out of 5 nights this past week, while he left at 2 one of those days, instructing the junior Soldiers that we shouldn't be leaving before 3:30. To say I disagree with his particular style of leadership may be an understatement- we are nearly complete opposites. I enjoy people and goofing off and having fun, and he thinks they won't respect my opinion as a medic because I joke around with them.
I will fight for my Soldiers every time, and he just doesn't seem to care about them.
Dad is going through a bankruptcy and I am barely staying afloat myself, so I have been unable to help. There's always something that requires more money than I expected, though that may be a bit of an understatement lately.
I'm struggling. I haven't given up, but, boy am I struggling.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Rolling Stone
It's a new month, my dear friends, and, as these things tend to happen for me, I'm on to a new place in my life. Things with Cowboy spiraled downward quickly after my last post, half due to Doc and half due to Cowboy being completely ungrateful for what I'd been doing. I had some very, very dark days around that time, and fell apart. Only in retrospect could I see that dishes, parenting someone else's daughter, helping pay bills, cooking, cleaning and being the only one actually going to work in addition to everything else I was dealing with was half the cause. After a couple of very bad days only made worse by his refusal to be there for me in any way shape or form, he informed me that either I could make a decision or wait for him to make one as to whether or not he wanted to be with me.
I said goodbye.
I don't regret it in the least.
Since then, a passing friendship at work has blossomed into something I'm quite impressed with.
It's not perfect. It's not flawless or everything I'd ever expected, but we're working on it, and it makes me happy more often than not.
He's been divorced as long as I have, no children, and a backwoods country boy with a big, jacked up truck n a couple motorcycles. Oh, and his dog is awesome!
It's been 2 weeks tomorrow (I had to do the math, it feels like we've been together longer) since we really started seeing each other outside of work. I feel like I've grown up about 10 years in these last two weeks. The realization that I still try to make other people responsible for my emotions shot me like an arrow yesterday, and seems to be that missing link that I've needed for a long time. It hit me suddenly and completely, and made me take a lot more responsibility for my own crap. Kicker has been incredibly patient with me and he and I talked quite a bit today. It's beginning to occur to me that he's a lot like me in some ways- like trying to sit down and talk to him doesn't work. If we're driving down the street and I bring something up, he talks to me, even if I have to redirect his attention to the topic I need clarified a few times. He can dance, he's got big brown eyes that make me go weak and a sweet smile. He's made a huge effort to correct anything that I asked him to, and just been incredibly patient.
The amount of work-it-out we've shown in these last two weeks amazes and impresses me.
I don't know if this is forever, but it's worth every bit of effort and hope and patience I can muster.
I said goodbye.
I don't regret it in the least.
Since then, a passing friendship at work has blossomed into something I'm quite impressed with.
It's not perfect. It's not flawless or everything I'd ever expected, but we're working on it, and it makes me happy more often than not.
He's been divorced as long as I have, no children, and a backwoods country boy with a big, jacked up truck n a couple motorcycles. Oh, and his dog is awesome!
It's been 2 weeks tomorrow (I had to do the math, it feels like we've been together longer) since we really started seeing each other outside of work. I feel like I've grown up about 10 years in these last two weeks. The realization that I still try to make other people responsible for my emotions shot me like an arrow yesterday, and seems to be that missing link that I've needed for a long time. It hit me suddenly and completely, and made me take a lot more responsibility for my own crap. Kicker has been incredibly patient with me and he and I talked quite a bit today. It's beginning to occur to me that he's a lot like me in some ways- like trying to sit down and talk to him doesn't work. If we're driving down the street and I bring something up, he talks to me, even if I have to redirect his attention to the topic I need clarified a few times. He can dance, he's got big brown eyes that make me go weak and a sweet smile. He's made a huge effort to correct anything that I asked him to, and just been incredibly patient.
The amount of work-it-out we've shown in these last two weeks amazes and impresses me.
I don't know if this is forever, but it's worth every bit of effort and hope and patience I can muster.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Temper and Temperance
I am losing my temper with Doc quickly.
I have been, for all intensive purposes, living with Cowboy these last couple weeks. While this is not the standard or accepted, much less ideal, Baha'i relationship, this relationship is far healthier than the vast majority of others I've been in, and, frankly, I'll take progress without complaining that it's not perfection.
In any case, Doc is Cowboy's roommate, and a medic, like myself. That, however, may be where the similarities end. Doc constantly borrows money from people- occasionally paying small sums back, but leaving a trail of large debts behind him. He currently owes Cowboy over $700.00 (and has for about a month) but payed me back $40.00 of the $50.00 he owed me a week ago. Since this, he's told Cowboy several times he intended to borrow money from me, though has, so far, followed Cowboy's advice (or warnings, if I know Cowboy) not to do so.
When it's not money, it's Cowboy's motorcycle. Doc will come out and ask for the keys, generally not asking permission and, more often than not, avoiding telling Cowboy where he intends to go on the bike. He complains and whines about not getting his way, and continually complains about anything he's done to help around the house, or even on the bike.
Cowboy knows how I feel about all this, and, frankly, I have no idea how he's letting him even live here right now, but that's between them. Doc is usually smart enough to try to leave me out of it, but has, at some points, brought me into it. Cowboy and I now have a pact that neither of us repeat what's discussed between us to Doc, for any reason.
Doc's fiance lives in Florida, and he has brought another girl to the house to spend the night with him on at least one occasion, though I only found out about that by accident, despite it being while I've been here, so who knows how many times it's happened.
Any respect I might have had for him when I met Cowboy has since dwindled to nothing.
He's worried I'll tell his fiance, and, honestly, I think I should, however, that's not something I want to be a part of, as I know it would certainly end his friendship with Cowboy, and that's going to be over the second Doc proves fully unwilling to pay his debt to Cowboy as I already know he is. Cowboy just keeps hoping for the best, saying he can't pay these bills by himself- but that's exactly what he's doing as it is.
I have been, for all intensive purposes, living with Cowboy these last couple weeks. While this is not the standard or accepted, much less ideal, Baha'i relationship, this relationship is far healthier than the vast majority of others I've been in, and, frankly, I'll take progress without complaining that it's not perfection.
In any case, Doc is Cowboy's roommate, and a medic, like myself. That, however, may be where the similarities end. Doc constantly borrows money from people- occasionally paying small sums back, but leaving a trail of large debts behind him. He currently owes Cowboy over $700.00 (and has for about a month) but payed me back $40.00 of the $50.00 he owed me a week ago. Since this, he's told Cowboy several times he intended to borrow money from me, though has, so far, followed Cowboy's advice (or warnings, if I know Cowboy) not to do so.
When it's not money, it's Cowboy's motorcycle. Doc will come out and ask for the keys, generally not asking permission and, more often than not, avoiding telling Cowboy where he intends to go on the bike. He complains and whines about not getting his way, and continually complains about anything he's done to help around the house, or even on the bike.
Cowboy knows how I feel about all this, and, frankly, I have no idea how he's letting him even live here right now, but that's between them. Doc is usually smart enough to try to leave me out of it, but has, at some points, brought me into it. Cowboy and I now have a pact that neither of us repeat what's discussed between us to Doc, for any reason.
Doc's fiance lives in Florida, and he has brought another girl to the house to spend the night with him on at least one occasion, though I only found out about that by accident, despite it being while I've been here, so who knows how many times it's happened.
Any respect I might have had for him when I met Cowboy has since dwindled to nothing.
He's worried I'll tell his fiance, and, honestly, I think I should, however, that's not something I want to be a part of, as I know it would certainly end his friendship with Cowboy, and that's going to be over the second Doc proves fully unwilling to pay his debt to Cowboy as I already know he is. Cowboy just keeps hoping for the best, saying he can't pay these bills by himself- but that's exactly what he's doing as it is.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Forward Momentum
We picked up Cowboy's oldest (5 years old) daughter yesterday in Tuscon.
It was a long trip both ways- and I suck at letting other people drive, apparently- but it went pretty well, actually.
His little girl and I hit it off pretty much immediately. She's a sweetheart, and I've had no problems getting her to listen, or anything. She's been attached to my hip since we brought her back. She told me she loved me before we even got back to the house last night. Granted, her dad was a bit taken by surprise, but it meant the world to me.
Everything's been going incredibly well. He's dealt with my moods, and my tears, and my past. I love him, and I can't quite make this feel like anything less than exactly what I've been looking for. It's not at all what I expected, but it is the most wonderful, beautiful thing, and I couldn't be happier.
It was a long trip both ways- and I suck at letting other people drive, apparently- but it went pretty well, actually.
His little girl and I hit it off pretty much immediately. She's a sweetheart, and I've had no problems getting her to listen, or anything. She's been attached to my hip since we brought her back. She told me she loved me before we even got back to the house last night. Granted, her dad was a bit taken by surprise, but it meant the world to me.
Everything's been going incredibly well. He's dealt with my moods, and my tears, and my past. I love him, and I can't quite make this feel like anything less than exactly what I've been looking for. It's not at all what I expected, but it is the most wonderful, beautiful thing, and I couldn't be happier.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
These Daze
Work is picking up.
My second Soldier of 3 has arrived, though she is still in-processing.
My first Soldier is kind of stuck in gridlock around here, as there's a lot I must do, and very little she can do to help me.
I no longer have an NCOIC (immediate supervisor/boss of my area, for my civilian friends) and no credentialed officer to speak of. I am running the show, with some very able, if somewhat peripheral, leaders to help me when I need them to.
Tomorrow, I brief the battalion executive officer- second in command of several hundred people and a pretty important guy by comparison to me, to clarify- which is pretty serious stuff. Somehow, I have found the confidence to tell someone who outranks me, knows more than me, and would probably do a better job than me in this brief that I will handle it. I favored risking falling flat on my face in front of a very important person, and an officer who has been part of that peripheral leadership in order to learn and stand on my own two feet. I genuinely believe I'll pull this off and do so smoothly, though. Where this confidence comes from, I can't explain.
I am learning, quickly, that this whole Army thing is just something that comes naturally to me, once I let go of my habit of over-thinking things and panicking. In the words I used to explain why I made this decision to my Soldier earlier: "My success is ultimately nobody else's responsibility but my own. I'll either own it or I'll eat it." I was pretty impressed with this stroke of rational and deliberate thinking, as a year or two ago, it was not something I was exactly known for. I am, by nature, an emotional woman. It's taken me til age 25 to get a decent grasp on how much I show the world of what's going on in my mind and heart. To say I wear my heart on my sleeve is a bit of an under-representation. Perhaps, this is why I am sitting here trying to wrap my head around what has been going on in my life these last few days.
Saturday night, I get a phone call from Doc. Yes, the same Doc. He has a friend he wants me to meet. We haven't been on bad terms, but I'd be lying if I said I expected him to call me out of the blue, never mind expected him to try to hook me up with his friend. Well, at this point, I was pretty content with the thought of being single and trying to work my way through the grief of Danger's death- I had finally accepted I wasn't over it. Doc setting me up with someone, though- this I had to see. The picture he sent me of the guy didn't pique my interest- he looked like a skinny, balding redneck. Well, I went anyway, if only for a night out and to squash my curiosity. As it turns out, he is a skinny, balding redneck. He is also intelligent, likes to read, the father of two daughters, a gentleman and terribly sweet. He's tough, goofy, and has more in common with me than I am entirely sure I'm comfortable with, to include some of our mothers' issues.
We have known each other all of four days, and my emotions are open, raw and very visible. The odd thing is, they haven't turned as thick or overwhelming or negative as I expected to. I'm not entirely positive if it's that he's so much like me he reacts the way I want him to, if I've learned that much about how to handle myself, if it's the fact that I know in my heart Danger would approve of how he treats me or a combination, but I have been able to open up to him without fear. I don't flinch when he touches me, I don't pull away when he kisses me, and I don't "warn" him about my emotions. He's patient, sweet and incredibly loving. He's also incredibly loyal. He doesn't get frustrated when he has to tell me he's not going anywhere, and he seems to enjoy reminding me spontaneously.
Why am I not scared to believe I love this man after only four days?
My second Soldier of 3 has arrived, though she is still in-processing.
My first Soldier is kind of stuck in gridlock around here, as there's a lot I must do, and very little she can do to help me.
I no longer have an NCOIC (immediate supervisor/boss of my area, for my civilian friends) and no credentialed officer to speak of. I am running the show, with some very able, if somewhat peripheral, leaders to help me when I need them to.
Tomorrow, I brief the battalion executive officer- second in command of several hundred people and a pretty important guy by comparison to me, to clarify- which is pretty serious stuff. Somehow, I have found the confidence to tell someone who outranks me, knows more than me, and would probably do a better job than me in this brief that I will handle it. I favored risking falling flat on my face in front of a very important person, and an officer who has been part of that peripheral leadership in order to learn and stand on my own two feet. I genuinely believe I'll pull this off and do so smoothly, though. Where this confidence comes from, I can't explain.
I am learning, quickly, that this whole Army thing is just something that comes naturally to me, once I let go of my habit of over-thinking things and panicking. In the words I used to explain why I made this decision to my Soldier earlier: "My success is ultimately nobody else's responsibility but my own. I'll either own it or I'll eat it." I was pretty impressed with this stroke of rational and deliberate thinking, as a year or two ago, it was not something I was exactly known for. I am, by nature, an emotional woman. It's taken me til age 25 to get a decent grasp on how much I show the world of what's going on in my mind and heart. To say I wear my heart on my sleeve is a bit of an under-representation. Perhaps, this is why I am sitting here trying to wrap my head around what has been going on in my life these last few days.
Saturday night, I get a phone call from Doc. Yes, the same Doc. He has a friend he wants me to meet. We haven't been on bad terms, but I'd be lying if I said I expected him to call me out of the blue, never mind expected him to try to hook me up with his friend. Well, at this point, I was pretty content with the thought of being single and trying to work my way through the grief of Danger's death- I had finally accepted I wasn't over it. Doc setting me up with someone, though- this I had to see. The picture he sent me of the guy didn't pique my interest- he looked like a skinny, balding redneck. Well, I went anyway, if only for a night out and to squash my curiosity. As it turns out, he is a skinny, balding redneck. He is also intelligent, likes to read, the father of two daughters, a gentleman and terribly sweet. He's tough, goofy, and has more in common with me than I am entirely sure I'm comfortable with, to include some of our mothers' issues.
We have known each other all of four days, and my emotions are open, raw and very visible. The odd thing is, they haven't turned as thick or overwhelming or negative as I expected to. I'm not entirely positive if it's that he's so much like me he reacts the way I want him to, if I've learned that much about how to handle myself, if it's the fact that I know in my heart Danger would approve of how he treats me or a combination, but I have been able to open up to him without fear. I don't flinch when he touches me, I don't pull away when he kisses me, and I don't "warn" him about my emotions. He's patient, sweet and incredibly loving. He's also incredibly loyal. He doesn't get frustrated when he has to tell me he's not going anywhere, and he seems to enjoy reminding me spontaneously.
Why am I not scared to believe I love this man after only four days?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Dumbness
I'm tired of being single, and even more tired of having no clue why crap just doesn't work out with most of my friends, never mind relationships. I know some of the most 2-faced people and, apparently, some of the most unwilling to discuss things, too.
I'm miserable today. This probably won't be one of my more intellectual posts for that fact.
I had a dentist appointment at 7:30 this morning, which is a miserable way to start off a day. I feel beat down, sore, tired, cranky, etc. I just want to be at home in bed, cuddled up with someone who cares about me. The two people in this world (still living) that I genuinely believe care about me are too far away, and I'm as of yet unconvinced that I will ever again be happy in a relationship. It's just getting to the point where lonely is normal, where I've stopped hoping that cute guy staring at me across the restaraunt for three hours will come say hi, because they never do, and where laying in bed at night, crying, I've finally learned that nobody wants to be there with me while I'm going through this. It's a negative way to look at it, I know, but maybe my career is all I should focus on. That's all that I've got going for me right now, and I'm about ready to give up on anything else. Valentine's Day is, what, Monday? I know there will be no flowers or chocolates waiting for me, I know I'll be alone, and I guess that's just the way it'll always be. Someday, I may even be able to fully accept that, rather than having this little voice in the back of my head saying 'Maybe someday....'
I'm miserable today. This probably won't be one of my more intellectual posts for that fact.
I had a dentist appointment at 7:30 this morning, which is a miserable way to start off a day. I feel beat down, sore, tired, cranky, etc. I just want to be at home in bed, cuddled up with someone who cares about me. The two people in this world (still living) that I genuinely believe care about me are too far away, and I'm as of yet unconvinced that I will ever again be happy in a relationship. It's just getting to the point where lonely is normal, where I've stopped hoping that cute guy staring at me across the restaraunt for three hours will come say hi, because they never do, and where laying in bed at night, crying, I've finally learned that nobody wants to be there with me while I'm going through this. It's a negative way to look at it, I know, but maybe my career is all I should focus on. That's all that I've got going for me right now, and I'm about ready to give up on anything else. Valentine's Day is, what, Monday? I know there will be no flowers or chocolates waiting for me, I know I'll be alone, and I guess that's just the way it'll always be. Someday, I may even be able to fully accept that, rather than having this little voice in the back of my head saying 'Maybe someday....'
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Trouble, Thy Name Is Mine
So, I can't count the number of times I have been told that my seeing the best in people is/does/will always get me in trouble.
Maybe the people who say that are even right- sometimes.
Maybe I just would rather ignore that fact, and continue being optimistic and refusing to believe that a lot of people are capable of and/or willing to hurt me.
It's not that I haven't been hurt, and it's not that I'm not wary of being hurt again. It's that I've been hurt often enough and badly enough that I refuse- I frikking REFUSE- to let my life revolve around that.
So, today I opened up a door to someone who most people would quickly consider "off-limits" a little wider than it already had been. He's not married, and not in the Army, and I'll just leave it at that.
We'll call him Trouble.
In any case, Trouble n I are looking at a long-distance thing for a while, so we'll see how it goes, but he's intelligent, tattooed, sweet and is doing all he can to be there for me. I haven't made him any promises, but I told him I'll try to come see him when I'm able to. I really do like him, but this is the type of situation that everybody else will tell me I've lost my marbles for. I don't care, though.
I just want to be happy, and I'm not one of those people who can do ANYTHING the normal way, so, hell with it, I'm going to do it my way, and I'm gonna have fun.
Maybe the people who say that are even right- sometimes.
Maybe I just would rather ignore that fact, and continue being optimistic and refusing to believe that a lot of people are capable of and/or willing to hurt me.
It's not that I haven't been hurt, and it's not that I'm not wary of being hurt again. It's that I've been hurt often enough and badly enough that I refuse- I frikking REFUSE- to let my life revolve around that.
So, today I opened up a door to someone who most people would quickly consider "off-limits" a little wider than it already had been. He's not married, and not in the Army, and I'll just leave it at that.
We'll call him Trouble.
In any case, Trouble n I are looking at a long-distance thing for a while, so we'll see how it goes, but he's intelligent, tattooed, sweet and is doing all he can to be there for me. I haven't made him any promises, but I told him I'll try to come see him when I'm able to. I really do like him, but this is the type of situation that everybody else will tell me I've lost my marbles for. I don't care, though.
I just want to be happy, and I'm not one of those people who can do ANYTHING the normal way, so, hell with it, I'm going to do it my way, and I'm gonna have fun.
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