So, my 25th birthday is only a few days away, and Danger is in my head more than ever, it seems.
I miss him so much.
I'm trying so hard to live all the things he taught me, and I really am doing better at it, but I just miss him so much.
I have friends coming from all over town, and one friend, Cam, flying in for my birthday. I'm scared to be 25, as strange as that must sound, but it makes sense to me. Every day that goes by lately, it seems, I have a moment that dawns on me as being a "grown up" moment. It's like holy crap, this is what it's like to be an adult! At 25 years old, there's no more kid time, no more excuses for not getting it- there's not even anymore early 20's. It's mid-20's, in the most strict, literal sense of the word. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to be a grown up?
I've overcome ridiculous amounts of stuff, and busted my butt, and grown up SO MUCH, and joined the frikking Army, and I still am just not sure I'm ready to feel like a grown up. Maybe that's why I don't have my own car yet. I don't know. Every bill I have to pay is one more thing that makes me realize I'm an adult. I don't like that feeling. I want to be free, but... not.
This just doesn't make any sense.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Love Gone Wrong, Carry On
It's been a ridiculous day.
Week.
Life.
2011 started 12 days ago, my 25th birthday is coming up in 4 days, and I'm already ready to wring this year's neck.
Yesterday, I had no clue how I'd juggle work, my first college class, basketball, and studying for my promotion board next month. Today, I get an email from a woman who decidedly does not care for her job if the way she performs it is any reflection, saying that, despite the fact that I attended class yesterday and have half my homework done, I have been dropped from the class because it is too full. I should explain that I had my World Religions book overnighted to me so I would be prepared for this class, and am already well into the planning stages on my term paper. I am beyond upset by this.
I was dating a guy I'd met through work, one I was elated to be dating and thought, very quickly, may work out for the long run. After a week, he freaked out on me, and, via text message, broke it off. He had been to the Baha'i center with me for Feast, had met my father and my friends- all willingly, and everything was going exceptionally well. It got ugly. We're back on friendly terms, though I still think his actions were an exemplary act of cowardice. He's back and forth between missing me and wanting me back and being too scared, so I have counted him off as someone I will consider dating at this point. I do not have the patience for that sort of fickleness, particularly not where a relationship is concerned.
I had a friend of mine from work recently ask me on a date, and we'll be going out tonight. I'm not sure that it's a true date just yet- this one's going to go as slow as I can manage- but I'm looking forward to spending time with him, and we have enough in common- and enough not in common- that I think this situation has potential. He's going through some things himself, so I don't want either of us to get overwhelmed by it all. If this is going to happen, I'd rather it be something we're both sure about, even if it means I have to learn more patience.
I'm trying, by God, I'm trying.....
Week.
Life.
2011 started 12 days ago, my 25th birthday is coming up in 4 days, and I'm already ready to wring this year's neck.
Yesterday, I had no clue how I'd juggle work, my first college class, basketball, and studying for my promotion board next month. Today, I get an email from a woman who decidedly does not care for her job if the way she performs it is any reflection, saying that, despite the fact that I attended class yesterday and have half my homework done, I have been dropped from the class because it is too full. I should explain that I had my World Religions book overnighted to me so I would be prepared for this class, and am already well into the planning stages on my term paper. I am beyond upset by this.
I was dating a guy I'd met through work, one I was elated to be dating and thought, very quickly, may work out for the long run. After a week, he freaked out on me, and, via text message, broke it off. He had been to the Baha'i center with me for Feast, had met my father and my friends- all willingly, and everything was going exceptionally well. It got ugly. We're back on friendly terms, though I still think his actions were an exemplary act of cowardice. He's back and forth between missing me and wanting me back and being too scared, so I have counted him off as someone I will consider dating at this point. I do not have the patience for that sort of fickleness, particularly not where a relationship is concerned.
I had a friend of mine from work recently ask me on a date, and we'll be going out tonight. I'm not sure that it's a true date just yet- this one's going to go as slow as I can manage- but I'm looking forward to spending time with him, and we have enough in common- and enough not in common- that I think this situation has potential. He's going through some things himself, so I don't want either of us to get overwhelmed by it all. If this is going to happen, I'd rather it be something we're both sure about, even if it means I have to learn more patience.
I'm trying, by God, I'm trying.....
Saturday, January 8, 2011
On Heartbreak
It seems like a regular thing these days for me to say I've taken all I can.
Molested twice, once by an adult, once by another kid who'd been through it, two rapes, both my friends-of-friends, losing Danger back in July, and now, this.
Just when I thought life was starting to really get good, I met someone fantastic. He wasn't at all the type I usually go for, but we just clicked.... A week of sheer bliss later and I'm sitting in a hotel room crying and confused.
We've barely been apart this last week.
Then, I drop him off so he can go shoot hoops with his buddies, and I get a text about time apart. Okay, fine, but then he goes into going back to 'dating'. Move backwards? I don't know how to do that.
So, I leave town to clear my head, hop on my laptop for some much over-do internet time and- wait a second, not only did he not confirm relationship status, he deleted me.
No response to my text message asking him about this.
I got dumped, quick and cold.
And the worst part is I have to see him at work on Monday, though, thankfully, I'm smart enough not to date anyone I directly work with. I have never felt so confused over a relationship ending in my entire life. I really, really liked this guy. I had no reason to think there was an issue.
And he's just gone.
I'm flat broke because I was helping him out, as his pay got jacked up this last paycheck. I've spent easily 300 dollars helping him out, and now I don't exist.
I think I may have just met the lowest form of life there is.
I am totally, and completely in shock.
Molested twice, once by an adult, once by another kid who'd been through it, two rapes, both my friends-of-friends, losing Danger back in July, and now, this.
Just when I thought life was starting to really get good, I met someone fantastic. He wasn't at all the type I usually go for, but we just clicked.... A week of sheer bliss later and I'm sitting in a hotel room crying and confused.
We've barely been apart this last week.
Then, I drop him off so he can go shoot hoops with his buddies, and I get a text about time apart. Okay, fine, but then he goes into going back to 'dating'. Move backwards? I don't know how to do that.
So, I leave town to clear my head, hop on my laptop for some much over-do internet time and- wait a second, not only did he not confirm relationship status, he deleted me.
No response to my text message asking him about this.
I got dumped, quick and cold.
And the worst part is I have to see him at work on Monday, though, thankfully, I'm smart enough not to date anyone I directly work with. I have never felt so confused over a relationship ending in my entire life. I really, really liked this guy. I had no reason to think there was an issue.
And he's just gone.
I'm flat broke because I was helping him out, as his pay got jacked up this last paycheck. I've spent easily 300 dollars helping him out, and now I don't exist.
I think I may have just met the lowest form of life there is.
I am totally, and completely in shock.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
