Dangerous Love

Danger-
I miss your big bear hugs and knowing that my friend would be there, no matter what, no matter how long it had been since we'd seen one another. There are so many things I want to say to you, and so many more I wish I'd gotten to ask you, but mostly, I think you know. You taught me to look at life in an entirely different way, and there will never be enough ways to say thank you for the good you did me. I know you're at peace in a way I struggle to comprehend. I've always believed that those that find peace in life are those who struggle the least after death. You were always very calm and clear about what you believed, it never worried you much. You were always happy, always smiling. You always wanted me to smile. I wasn't ready for that. I feel guilt every single day for not marrying you, for letting you go, for not begging you to take me back- you would have. You loved me in a way I'll never be able to understand. You were able to love me in a way I've never been able to love anyone, despite my efforts. I love you, and nothing will ever change that. I know some members of your family undoubtedly have some negative feelings towards me, and I can't shake that horrible sense of longing for that feeling like I belonged among your family that I had when we were together. Babe, you have a place in my heart that nobody else can ever touch. That's a scary and painful feeling. Bright Eyes picked up so much more from you than either of you ever knew. I see it every time I talk to him, see it in his gestures, in his humor, in his every motion. Sometimes, I swear, it's like I'm looking as much at your offspring as your friend. He's not built that differently than you, and he sure has that undying patience with me that you did. I just can't figure out how I sit here, feeling guilty and hurt that I love you both so much, and that you're the man I lost. There's a million things I would have done different, but I can't. I hate myself for wanting you to hold me as much as I want Bright Eyes to. I wish I had another chance, I can't believe I would have let this world be robbed of you had I known it would end this way. I would struggle through anything, give up all I've found in Bright Eyes, just to know that I wouldn't have to question if you understood how I felt about you. I pray so often that you understand what I feel, what I felt, and why I made the choices I did. Some part of me feels you didn't struggle harder to stay with this world because you knew I'd be taken care of by Bright Eyes. It's so hard to hear him crack a joke that echoes your sense of humor, or hear him say something affectionate that's only narrowly apart from the words you once spoke to me. I have loved you since the day I met you, so to give myself to someone so much like you in a way I was never able to give myself to you, well, that's tearing me apart from the inside out. The amount of guilt and fear and loss that surrounds my heart eats me alive some days, Danger. You were the unattainable, the man I thought I could never have, and then, when I did get you, the tables were reversed. I couldn't handle what I thought I wanted so much. I have always loved you, without a doubt, but the ability to give love to someone and having love for them just isn't always the same. Babe, I want one more day with you in a way I can't rationalize or explain. It's been three years this October since I last saw you, and all I want is to hear that stupid bear-like snore, or feel you hug me tight, or call me Cesil, or laugh at me and explain something that's so obvious to you but so far from my scope of knowledge, or yell at me for fidgeting when you were about to pierce or tattoo me, or for not eating before you tattooed me, or ANYTHING, Danger, just to be with you one more time... Danger, I love you, and I never meant to hurt you, I'm sorry in a way I didn't know I could be. Please, please, if there's one thing you hear from this world tonight, selfish though this all may be, it's these words: Baby, I love you and I'm so sorry.
Forever Your Cesil