Digging Up New Pain To Heal

It's true.
Try as I might, I can't think of a single positive female role model that's been around for any real period of time in my life. Not one!
No wonder I'm so screwed up.

I'm a total mess today, and I know it. I was tired all day, and had to deal with some really disappointing Soldiers- not a one of them lower in rank than me. Some are great, but some just frustrate the daylights out of me.

Another thought I've had rolling around in my brain is the reaction I get when people hear one of my many nicknames for the first time. Lately, I prefer Charli by a long shot. That very much feels like who I am and who I want to be. Many societies throughout the world didn't look at names as a life-long ordeal. People's names changed with them. I've always liked that way of thinking, it's so much easier to be proud of my name when my name isn't just something my mother picked out of a book before I was born. My given names didn't have any special meaning to my parents, so they sure never have to me. I've joked about it all, but I really like the traditional meaning of my names, but, well, they're lacking in personal meaning. Charli is taken both from my Dad's middle name and from the movie Long Kiss Goodnight. While Charlie Baltimore isn't the nicest woman in the world, she's a woman with a story, and she's tougher than nails. I can relate to that, and need to be reminded that I've been through some things and I'm stronger than I feel most days, especially lately. I just feel so run over.

Between a senior officer making it fairly clear he has no intention of ever liking me, an NCO making a fumbling mess out of what was left of my work day by the time she decided to get back in the game, Tumbleweed called. He was feeling overwhelmed again, like he shouldn't be leaning on me. We go through this at least twice a week. I have to remind him that I wouldn't be taking care of him if I didn't want to, and that I love him and he's stuck with me. My biggest fear is that one of these days, this phone call will come when I'm at my wits end, like I feel right now, and my reaction will be overwhelmed, frustrated and angry, instead of patient and understanding, which is what I know he needs. I'm trying so hard, and I know this has to be harder on him than I can imagine, but suddenly being someone's financial and emotional anchor is incredibly, incredibly overwhelming. The Army is such a pain with the red tape and such that it makes easy things difficult, but, make no mistake, this business of being your parent's caretaker is not on the easy list, in any world.