Letting Go

I still miss Danger, but there are so many questions I have for him that he will never answer now, that I have no choice but to try to distance myself from this near-obsession I've had with him in the last year.
I took down most of the pictures I had up of us in my room, and replaced them with happier pictures...
I'm really trying to move on from this guilt and confusion, no matter how much pain it still causes me.
I feel trapped right now.
I don't know who I can trust at work anymore, and the symptoms of PTSD just keep getting worse.
How does it just keep getting worse?!
I hate medications.
I asked for anti-depressants when things got bad.
I went in to talk to the doctor and get a refill, and she took one look at me and asked if I was sleeping at all.
I had gotten 4 hours the night before, which has become about average.
She put me on meds for nightmares and sleep.
I got tired of the way my female-ness was screwing up what little control I had over the symptoms, so I asked for birth control, after doing my research on different kinds.
Even with all these medications, it just keeps getting worse.
The only symptom I haven't seen too regularly is the injuries I was waking up with.
It happened for a couple weeks, then dropped off.
I don't know what are good signs and bad signs any more, I just now that I'm struggling, and feel like I'm in a downward spiral. Mr Nice Guy is the most stable part of my life. Imagine that! A relationship, the most STABLE part of MY life!!!
It's been more than two months now, and, while that seems like a small feat to most, that's more than twice as long as anyone has lasted in a relationship with me in over a year. And he doesn't want to lose me. Go figure.
Work has become a major point of stress for me. I lay in bed at night, dreading going back the next day. I don't know who I can trust there, who I can let know how bad it really is. I'm terrified of this. I know I need to do something, I know someone besides my commander needs to know, but... I can't end up screwed over again. I can't go through that here. I had too many NCO's in Korea that decided I was bad for their career and they fed me to the wolves intentionally. They got rid of me the second I asked for help.
I filled out intake paperwork for the behavioral health clinic today, but I still need to call and make an appointment. That phone call is causing me so much anxiety and it doesn't make sense.
I'm on my lunch break, crying. I haven't eaten today, and just started the birth control yesterday, and I don't know whether these tears are just part of the usual deal now or triggered by something else. I'm tired of fighting this. I just want to be living, not living in the past.
It's like I'm trying to run away from my shadow.