Intimations Of Intimate Details

How do you deal with someone spilling personal details about you that you expected to be kept between the two of you?

I asked someone I had been close with about a friend of his, and he proceeded to give me the guys number, as we had met before.

It turns out my friend had divulged some very personal info to this guy without my knowledge, who then regurgitated it back to me when I explained my feelings for him.

Embarrassed, hurt and angry just don't seem to cover the emotions pulsing through my body right now. 

I'm sitting in the middle of Starbucks, using the net, and amazed that the tears piled up inside me aren't pouring down my face. My face is so hot with embarrassment, I feel like I'm standing inches from the business end of a blow torch. 

I feel so used, and so exposed. I feel sick.

After a month of making such a huge point of being alone, and trying like the devil to do the right thing and be the woman, the lady I want to be, and working SO HARD at it all, I get thrown under the emotional bus. 

I hate this. 

I want to crawl into bed and never come out.

On The New

So, here comes 2011- and my 25th birthday- headed straight for me.
What am I going to change?
Pretty much everything I haven't already.
Mostly, I'm hoping a relationship is in my near future.
I don't see a long-distance relationship being too sustainable for me, at least one that starts off as long distance. I have a couple really good men in my life who I care about a lot, and, I guess, I should be used to being alone at this point, but that doesn't mean I like it. I absolutely hate the feeling of falling asleep alone every night, knowing I'm not even really working toward anything in that department.
I've been alone in my own bed every night. I finally am getting used to it, and am cutting ties with past relationships and such that are not feasible as friends. This isn't much fun now, but I know it's for the best.
Better things to come.

Change Over

So, I've spent 22 days away from guys in general.
Doesn't sound like much, huh?
Sad, but it is the fruit of telling myself "bet ya can't do it".
There are always nights I just don't want to be alone, and I had a system of keeping myself from having to be alone.
22 days, and today is 5 months after Danger's death.
It hasn't been as hard as I expected, but I'm happy it's a habit broken.
A friend of mine is trying to set me up with someone he works with. We'll see how/if it goes.
I've decided there are rules I'm putting in place for myself, some sound obvious, but haven't been to me thus far.
Like not being alone with a man who isn't my own.
It just leaves too much room for other people's questions, and for lonliness to take over. Too many risks. Those risks inevitably hurt afterwards. Going from lonely and alone to having someone to cover the gap without filling it and back to lonely and alone when they step outside the room is one of the most painful things I've been through.
I've also gotten very picky. I'm tired of feeling like I'm accepting someone into my life because they love me and not because I love them like I should and want to spend my life with them- or at least see if I can. I'm just tired of the same old thing. I'm tired of going in circles. There's got to be more than this.

Exhale

I'm lacking internet access in my room, currently, which is seriously inhibiting my blogging time.
Inhibition of my blogging time actually inhibits my willingness to write, because I see little point in doing it simply for myself, not that I tend to think I have a great following, but at least I know somebody reads it.
Inhibiting my writing tends to lead to mental constipation, and, well, that's not pretty.

Work is going well, though I'm staying incredibly busy. I finally have an NCOIC, though I know the ins and outs so well, a lot of it still falls on my shoulders, which is just fine with me. I will be going to the promotion board in either January or February, depending on who you ask. My immediate leadership quotes the regulation, and says 60 days is the minimum, while 1sg says I was simply handling my business and it will be January for sure. My Soldier is squared away, and we're working on taking care of her weight issues, but I'm incredibly proud of the work she's been doing to fix that particular problem.

Personal life is near non-existent at this point, and it's maybe better that way. I've been talking to a friend of a friend off and on for a while now, and he wants to come see me. He's a sweet prior-Army Mexican guy with three little boys who are incredibly well-behaved and he doesn't yell at them at all. It will be nice to see him, even if nothing comes of it.

Bunny and I dated briefly, but I ended it, as much out of frustration as anything. He is such a wonderful person and I adore him, but I was frustrated with wondering what our life would be like if he couldn't even take care of his own. Maybe I gave up. I just know that, now that we're just friends, he's trying to get his act together, and I'm proud of him. He's too good to just let his life trample him.

I miss Bright Eyes and Angel Eyes, and I have mixed feelings about those feelings. I don't know what to think that I can miss someone else's child like that.

I've got a bit of a cold today, and I'm groggy from the medicine. I was supposed to take a PT test today, but it got moved back to tomorrow.

Streaker

Among my reading, I stumbled across this entry by a blogger whom I've followed for quite some time now. The quote he uses is this one: “The human race is an unfair and stupid competition. A lot of the runners don’t even get decent sneakers or clean drinking water. Some people are born with a massive head start, every possible help along the way and still the referees seem to be on their side. It’s not surprising some people have given up competing altogether and gone to sit in the grandstand, eat junk food and shout abuse. What we need in this race is a lot more streakers.”

- Bansky, from Cut It Out Vol. 3. 

This quote reinforced my adoration for his writing style and thought process. 

Now, my life... 

Things are changing, as they tend to do. I am in a relationship with Bunny, and he is good to me. I am already experiencing the fear and the aggravation of my flight response. Getting close to people is horribly scary for me, and it never seems to get any easier. So, I question, I push away, I get angry... I'm fighting giving up on this, and I don't know if the doubts I have are simply my own fear of trusting someone or if they're logical and based in reality. I'm trying, but thinking of what others would want for me, I am even less sure than I would be otherwise. I'm beyond frustrated. He's the first guy my father ever expressed anything positive about, well, during said guy's life, anyway. I miss Danger like crazy, and I try to figure out if this is the same mistake I made with him, or if this is really as wrong as I fear it is, and if I'm just pushing Bunny away out of fear. 

It's so frustrating for someone like me to be the alpha in a relationship, to be the only one who has aspirations and know what they want to do, what they like... I don't know how to handle this.


Once payday comes, I am going to sign up for belly dancing classes. I have gotten good at keeping myself going to the gym during lunch, and doing physical training with my unit as well. I want to get myself on a schedule, one that includes hobbies (belly dance, hopefully writing will eventually fall into a schedule, as well), my physical exercise as well as my Faith. I have been poor, lately, at getting to Feast and events like I should. I also want to go back to being a vegetarian. I'm sure that will prove difficult, at best, but it's something I've been considering for a while. 


In the process of preparing to cut meat out entirely, I stumbled across a number of free iPod touch applications, and a blog I hadn't heard of before. (You'd be amazed how unusual it is for me to find a popular blog I'm unaware of.) The Messy Vegetarian Cook is a blog I'll be interested to look more into. 


Meanwhile, back at the farm, work is going well, mostly. I'm studying for the promotion board, I have a new NCO who's actually a medic like myself, and my Soldier's coming back from her time off on Monday. It's going to be busy for a while, but I'm looking forward to life in general. It's a nice change.

Another Try

Bunny is back with a vengeance.
We're together.
I spent a lot of nights alone, and some not, and realized there have been three men, besides the wonderful men in my family, who have loved me unconditionally: my ex-husband, Danger, and Bunny.
It didn't take too many days of not hearing from him to miss having someone I could call day or night and know he'd do or say anything I might need him to.
That's love.
I'd known he loved me all along, and this isn't to say nobody else has, this was just... different.
Bright Eyes loved me, undoubtedly, but it felt all along as though he was settling for living in my life, and I suppose I never shook that feeling. I suppose I mostly continue to mention him because I know he still cares about me very much, and continues to read my ramblings, despite all that's happened.
So, I try again, in my own time, in my own way, despite my pride, and I hope I'm right this time.
It's time to move forward.

Time Travel

My worst habit is rushing things.
I have an incredibly hard time trying to be present in the moment and not get distracted by what I want something to become or trying to make it fit into what I wanted to end up with, or worrying about it being better than what I had.
With everything I'm juggling right now- promotion issues, Soldier issues, family issues, social life, cleaning, moving personal belongings from one place to another- I am realizing quickly that the biggest lesson I want to learn from Danger is being present in the moment- something I swear he never struggled with. While I'm seeing, the more I clear my life of people who are hurting me or simply wasting my time, I'm realizing that the qualities I need in someone I date are pretty clear: I need someone who can stand up to me, someone who will treat me right, and someone who is intelligent. It's harder to find than one might think. None the less, even if I find someone who's perfectly within these parameters, if I can't learn to slow down and be in the moment, well, I'm just going to rush into it all and end up feeling like it's too much for me to handle.
This quote from Erykah Badu's song Window Seat caught my attention earlier: Don't wanna time-travel no more, just wanna be here.  


It just fits, you know?
I'm falling back into my comfort zone with the soul music these last couple days- a lot of Joss Stone, Erykah Badu, Fugees, Alannah Myles... I forgot how peaceful that place is. Soul music is my haven, I crave it when my life starts to feel right again. I will always hope that it sticks, but, mostly, I'm just going to have to wait and see. 

Mission Aborted

Well, this one caught me off-guard.
I kind of stumbled blindly upon this site- Black Genocide Dot Org- and am surprised by how much it struck me.
I can't say with any certainty the statistics it claims are accurate, but it seems plausible enough.
I should explain, I suppose, that I'm pro-choice. I don't believe in killing babies, but I don't believe in killing children, either. The way I see it, a mother has to make the choice to be a mother. Adoptions are difficult and less than affordable for many families, so these women who find themselves between a rock and a hard belly may be damning their child to extinction either way. I don't agree with forcing anyone- be it a fetus/baby or a woman- into a corner. Giving women the right to choose is not forcing their hand either way. Condemning abortions is.
However, that said, I couldn't do it myself. I have been raped twice, the first resulting in pregnancy. There was a period of time I wouldn't leave the house with my mother because she wanted me to have an abortion so badly. I miscarried the baby anyway, she'd be turning ten in the spring, but it was a choice left to God, not one I took into my own hands. I don't know a woman who's chosen abortion who hasn't struggled with it violently afterwards, often for the rest of their lives.
So, seeing statistics and quotes that wrench my heart about abortions are rather shocking to me. I'm not a fan of the 'shock jock' method of anti-abortion/pro-life advertisments. I'm rather appalled by it. I know there's never been a doubt in my mind what the process does, but that sure doesn't mean I need to see pictures. Yet, here I am seeing quotes like "Therefore, choose life, that your children may live." -Deuteronomy 30:19 and statistics like "Between 1882 and 1968, 3,446 Blacks were lynched in the U.S. That number is surpassed in less than 3 days by abortion." throws me.

Patience And Pain

I text Doc last night and asked him what he wanted out of this.
"I don't know, but I'm too tired to think about it"
That was a slap in the face, though I doubt he realized that.
Today, I find out he doesn't recall referring to me as his girlfriend the other night. (Cue Blame It On The Alcohol by Jamie Foxx.)  Oh, and he's not ready to date.

Wait, what?!
Then what is this?!
Then I get a nasty text message from a mutual friend snapping at me for repeating a comment of his to Doc, one I was trying to clarify at the time.
So I went off on Doc. He didn't know what I was talking about, he said.
I'm still trying to figure out what exactly is going on.
I'm hurt, my ego bruised, my heart beaten once more.

I just want to be left alone for a while. I just want things to stay positive for more than a couple days without some monkey wrench putting me into tears.