Gypsy Grace

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase "strong female" translated into that one magic word:BITCH.


I don't care if you call me a bitch.
Go for "the c-word" too, if you'd like. You know, that special word for female genitalia that generally ends up in violence when directed at a woman.


The fact of the matter is, I am a strong female. I wasn't raised in a lesbian household, I wasn't told I could do anything I wanted, I didn't have a parent in the military. Hell, I didn't even have a positive female role model.


I have been raped, beaten, stolen from, stabbed, used, hit, abused in more ways than I really care to imagine.
The fact of the matter is, I refuse to let it happen again.


Every time the two rapes or molestations I went through start spinning their ugly reel in my head again, I go back and read this article over at Yes Means Yes. I've written about it before, but, being at the beginning of a potentially serious relationship with someone I genuinely respect on a number of levels, being willing to bare my soul in a way I hadn't expected to be able to, well, this article brings on a whole new meaning for me. I also have a Soldier coming in next week who happens to be male- and my first Soldier here at this post. Setting boundaries with a Soldier is not that much different from setting boundaries with a child or a friend. It's generally a combination of the two styles, varying, of course, by Soldier.


I continually go back to this article, though, because it reminds me that what I was raised to believe was wrong for a little girl to do is everything a woman needs to know how to do. I need to know how to be able to yell at the top of my lungs in a suddenly jacked-up and potentially dangerous situation, and do so without hesitation. Whether it's a male coming at me in a way that scares me, or my Soldier about to get hit by a truck he doesn't see, I need to be able to react immediately and loudly. I do not need to feel that I have to justify my decisions every time they are challenged. Yes, there will be situations when I must tell my seniors why I made the choice I did, but, frankly, there will be more situations when I have to tell my Soldiers they'll just have to trust me and to execute. I have to be able to shut down someone coming at me inappropriately. What kind of leader would I be if I allowed that Sergeant First Class to come at me sideways, flirting with me in front of my Soldiers, or allow someone senior to me to behave inappropriately in my clinic? I have to be able to tell them to stop what they're doing and get out of my clinic, like it or not, because they're wrong. I don't need to give in to someone who doesn't want me to follow through with what I'm pushing for. I need to be able to stick to my guns and not crack, no matter how many times they push me. 


I have been called a bitch. Sometimes it was to my face, sometimes it was within earshot, sometimes I heard it through friends, and I'm sure there were plenty of times I never heard about it at all. I don't care. 


I have seen hell. 
When you've been to rock bottom, you can only go up.
No matter how exhausting, how frustrating, infuriating, overwhelming, or painful the climb- there's only room to move upwards.
My mother never saw that. She saw the one rock in front of her, and chose not to step over it. My mother is not my hero. My mother clung to excuses like they were her lifeline, while all the time they were her chains. They kept her right where she was, never allowing her to move in any direction, always holding her prisoner to her addictions and ignorances. 
I am a Gypsy, though, and I refuse to be the weak White woman folks see when they look at my mother. Men saw someone to care for, someone to fix. Like an ocean, she's bound to, eventually, wear down even the most stubborn coast. I am stronger than that. I do not need alcohol, I do not need excuses, I do not need a man to support me. When I pledge my love to another man, it will be because he respects me as I do him, because he knows that I will not waiver or hurt him, that I will be the woman I've sworn to be. I will not back down, I will not turn back, and I will not be weak. I would rather be called crazy, I would rather be called a bitch, I would rather be the strong woman who knows what she wants than to ever, ever be called weak.