Beautiful

Some part of me doesn't want to let go of him.
I know I should say my goodbyes and try to move on, but some part of me clings to his memory, clings to his love, clings to the thought of redemption.
That part of me knows that if I let him go, though, I have no excuse any more, I can't give up on a relationship after this. If I make the choice to let someone in again, that I won't have the ability to excuse myself for letting them go, not after this.
Having someone's love, questioning their love, and losing them- once to your own stupidity and once to death- is incredibly painful. Some part of me just wants to hold on to his life, and his love and never let anyone in to avoid any more pain like this.... I just want him back, and I can't seem to let it go.
I have some really great guy friends in my life that, normally, I'd be all about dating because they're just such wonderful men... Instead, though, I'm keeping them at a distance and pushing them away because I don't want to let anyone in....
Something's got to give.