Seeing ☆☆☆ Stars

"You are a child of the universe


no less than the trees and the stars;


you have a right to be here." -Max Ehrman
 
 

I love this line. Something is processing in my head, since I've gotten the universal boot in the arse to forgive myself, to let Danger go, and to try- really try- to move on. I'm hurting and sad today, and I haven't been able to shake it. Doing some writing, trying to get a clearer understanding of these feelings during lunch, (although I suspect some of it is PMS) I had a bit of a breakthrough....
 
I have to stop assuming anyone who appears to have good intentions is weak, or hiding something. I have to stop comparing everyone who loves me to my mother, and assuming they have a hidden agenda. I have to learn to accept the feelings I have, put a name to them, and let them be, without insisting on trying to change them or change my life to accomodate/assuage them. I'm allowed to feel things, and they don't have to change my life.
 
And, if that isn't enough for one lunch break....
 
I have consistently looked at myself as somehow being less than others, somehow inferior or incapable of meeting the same personal criteria as the rest of the world... This has especially applied in my relationships. This wouldn't be a huge thing, if seeing oneself as inferior didn't automatically give one permission, or even all-out "reason" to look at oneself as consistently being the victim. If you are inferior, weaker, less capable, less intelligent/strong/worthy of love/beautiful/whatever, you are automatically the only one who can be taken advantage of. You are automatically too low on the totem pole to be able to bring the other person down. You are automatically the victim.
 
I have said a million times that I'm not a victim, I am a survivor. Yet, my view of myself and my corresponding actions have not reflected this. I have treated myself as a victim and, therefore, I am a victim.
 
I have not truly given myself permission to exist as I want to.While I can freely admit that I find men of all races attractive, I have lied to myself and others and insisted I am 'equal opportunity' when it comes to dating. The fact of the matter is, I like non-White men, especially Black men. I can reason this to death, or I can simply accept that this is the group of people I am most comfortable with. It does not make me a less diverse person for knowing what I want, or who I like. I still like many types of music, am interested in many cultures, and am an intelligent person who sees a lot of things differently than the majority. I am simply a woman who knows what she likes.
 
I am no longer a victim. I am equal to the stars, and have no less right or reason in this world than them. This may be another long road, but this is a breakthrough I need to follow through on.