Limits On Love

I'm torturing myself.
I am fortunate enough to have several people- men- in my life right now that I can't see my life without, two in particular. Bright Eyes and Bunny have both been amazing to me, both loved me (whether or not the words were spoken) and been incredibly good to me.
But, because neither of them fit my "plan" and my idea of the way things should be, I've kept them at a distance, and I continue to look for "love" when I have two wonderful men in my life, though very different and very far apart.
Bright Eyes and Angel Eyes are in my heart a way I didn't think possible, and I love them both so much I can't comprehend it. I've never loved a child like they were my own, even when I was a nanny and truly thought of the girls as nearly my own because of the amount of time I spent with them.
Bunny has been that person that is there for me constantly- I know I can call him for anything and he'll be there and do what he has to to look out for me. In the middle of the night, right after he gets home from work, it hasn't mattered. He may not have always understood what I needed, but he always did whatever he could to make it better, anyway.
Last night I had a date with Flag- an honest-to-God date, which are few and far between these days. I really enjoyed my time with him, though I kept the barriers up, and I'm not sure if I should write that off as normal or assume I'm just trying to keep people out still. He'd fit into my plans. Yet, I doubt, and, despite him being good to me, my heart is so caught up hurting over my crappy choices and unfair treatment of both Bright Eyes and Bunny that I'm just absolutely miserable and actually upset that I enjoyed my date. I need to stop screwing around. I keep insisting that I want a relationship, that I'm ready for one, yet I push everyone who wants that with me away hard and fast and as completely as possible- all too often without letting them know this is going on.
I'm hurting them.
I am wrong for treating them this way.
I can't figure out if it's even okay for me to be trying to find someone who fits my plan, or if I'm completely wrong across the board.
I have to stop this.