One of the gentlemen who I've been attending the weekly meetings with commented the other day that I've been a Baha'i for quite some time, but now it's official.
He's right.
However, I feel like I have been more driven than ever since I declared, particularly where my faith is concerned. The Ocean program (linked for any of those who have not downloaded this, it is beyond recommended- Baha'i or not, it's the most incredible tool for anyone with an interest in religion) has been running constantly, I think, since Monday or Tuesday. I have found, without intending to, dozens of things to research in this.
I have struggled truly with dating and all that comes with it for quite some time.
I have noticed that the Baha'i-based blogs out there are primarily married folks, usually with children, if they reference that at all.
I have been emailing the first Baha'i I knew personally ("Panda") fairly steadily for the last few days, and, though he is married, many of my questions focus on the life he lead when he was single, and how he handled many of his challenges.
Sex is a cultural norm in this day and age.
I had my virginity taken from me, without choice, at the age of 14, by a boy of 13. I was raped, and, not too long after miscarried his child, a girl, my heart told me, and she will always be known as Astaria to me. This was a painful experience, of course, that, in some ways I'm still healing from. However, I was one of the few virgins I knew at this point in my life. It was not a common thing, just 10 years ago, to be a virgin at 14 years old, as a girl. I had dated someone seriously for a year before the rape, but I'd wanted to wait for marriage, if I ever chose to get married. That choice was taken from me, and, for years after, I was disillusioned and felt as if I had no right to say no to sex.
Here I am, 24, sober, Baha'i and asking myself others how to tell someone I want to date that I have every intention of waiting until marriage. I suppose alcohol and sex are the things that came out in the wash for me.
It's not easy, though, and I don't doubt that fulfilling this promise of celibacy to myself is going to be quite difficult. A friend of mine from a school I recently went to (WLC, for those of you Army-minded folk out there) will be coming down to visit me Friday, God willing. He is a good man, and knows that I intend to wait until I am married. Panda's explanation of it all was perfect- that the emotional cloud that comes with sex should be an effect of the relationship, not a cause for a relationship. He also pointed out to me that I must have my own reasons for fulfilling God's law, because our Faith is built upon independent investigation of truth, not on "Because I Said So". That's where the rape and my past comes into play, and where giving in to others goes out the window. I've known what was right for me for a long time, and I am proud that I am able to say I am now strong enough to be able to follow through with it.
These last few months have been painful, to say the least, as I have learned quite a few things about what I want and need in life, particularly where relationships are concerned, and I will be glad if and when things begin to settle down a bit. I am proud of myself for coming through all I have as well as I have, but there will always be more to learn.
Ridvan is next up on my to-study list, as it has begun.
I am truly blessed to have this life, and to be on this journey. I'm just so ready to have someone to share it with.
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