Center

I've been on leave since the 29th of June.
It's the first leave (vacation time) I've taken in a year, and it's much over due.
I'm enjoying sleeping in, relaxing and having time for myself, rather than trying to squeeze in everything I need to do or should do between 10-12 hours of work each day.
I feel like me again.
I feel the hormones fluctuating, and worry when Mr Nice Guy might be baptized by fire, and just how badly. I no longer worry about my reaction to the hell-fires, but Mr Nice Guy is someone I want in my life and who fits with me in a way I can't explain. I can't stand the idea of losing him. He's local, so I know I'll likely at least be able to see him when it all hits, which will either help or do infinite amounts of damage, and I know he's pretty touchy-feely, so I can only hope that he'll be the one to put his arms around me when I fall apart, rather than run like so many others have.
I knew in my heart I would have dealt with Madman's own particular breed of gruff love and attitude for as long as he'd have let me. I also knew, though, that he didn't treat me the way I wanted and being with him would likely mean giving up several things that were important to me- having shared faith, children, open and honest communication...
Mr Nice Guy is the one who doesn't make me give up anything. I'm not afraid to talk to him, he accepts me for just who I am, wants children, believes in God and wants to share that with me. I'm not scared to see how he will react to his own children, or how thoroughly he'll hold on to a grudge against his parents. He was very hurt when his parents divorced in his adulthood, but, impressively, he is still very close to both of his parents as well as his older sister. I think he tends to lean more towards his father now, while that wasn't the case before the divorce, but he frequently speaks to both of his parents and his sister. If I speak to my own sister twice in a month, it's unusual, sadly, and my mother, well, lack of her presence in my life is simply better for the entire family at this point.
I want the kind of family he has, and I would love to see it flow naturally into our future.

My dad was talking to me a couple weeks ago, and mentioned that one of his doctors suggested he go see a psychiatrist to help him manage his depression. I'm not sure what he said to her, but his response to this, in speaking to me, was to get rather upset and say that he knew that his depression stemmed from perceived emotional abuse by his father when he was a child, and that any doctor he saw would tell him the same thing. It's no surprise to me at this point that my father went through what he did, and it's nothing new for me to hear him voice it. The voice in the back of my head, though, that spoke up this time is something new. In my head I heard "I don't want to be that way."
My mother did what she did, and is who she is.
I was raped twice, as well as molested as a young child.
I lost a lot of people in my life, through death and other events.
I don't want to be fifty-eight years old, with two grown children, and still know that the problems I have then are the cause of something that occurred long before I ever thought of having children of my own.
It's occurred to me since then that a) I have come a long way already and b) each generation's goal is, mostly, to improve upon what their own parents were. I know I can do this without disrespecting or looking down on what my own parents are/were.

It's driven me crazy, in the past, that I didn't have the daughter I carried, however briefly.
Now, though, I see how much better my childrens' lives will be for waiting until later to have children.
Now, I look forward to what my children will have and be, because I know I am capable of loving them and truly enjoying their lives without my own past making me paranoid or otherwise less than present for my children.
Now, I'm ready to move forward.