So Much

I met Mr. Nice Guy on June 17th.
Today is July 6th.
So much has happened.
Maybe two days prior to meeting Mr Nice Guy, I gave in and did something I had battled against, literally, for years. I asked for help.
I have PMDD- Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

Generally, two days a month- separate days- I fall apart in the most complete sense of the phrase.
There have been times I genuinely questioned whether I would survive the day without committing suicide. The complete, and total darkness I fall into, generally one day around ovulation and one shortly before menstruating, is a black abyss that I never get used to, and, in all honesty, I am truly surprised it hasn't killed me yet.

I saw a doctor one day, after my father's illness got worse, the end of my relationship with Madman, some fairly serious problems at work, money problems, and a major change in plans for the next year of my life all came at once. I asked for anti-depressants, and gave her a very detailed history, to include my mother's Munchausens' syndrome, alcoholism, etc and fathers various health issues, and history of chronic depression. I have been on the medication since mid June, and, well, I haven't had any "bad days" so far.
The string of events that occurred still seems incredible to me.

My relationship with Madman exploded in a way I honestly did not think would ever happen. I truly believed our back-and-forth frustration was something that we'd work through, that would surely get better in time, but honestly believed that we'd end up married and together for life, in spite of ourselves.

I don't know if my mood bottoming out or the break up came first, but the combination of one of my "bad days" (there just aren't words to describe days filled with such terror as some of those have brought me) together with the events of our break up forced me to a point of depression that I couldn't deny. I had to break that horrible cycle.

Within days of doing what I had to in order to get better, I met Mr Nice Guy.
Any fan of psychology 101 will look at this chain of events and say that my accepting help was an acceptance of myself in some ways, and, therefor, opened me up to relationship possibilities I may not have welcomed before. Makes sense.
I tend toward the spiritual or holistic ways of looking at it, as I seriously doubt bottoming out in the days prior to meeting someone wonderfully compatible with you is statistically likely.
However, the truth of the matter is, I really don't care why it happened.
I'm just happy it did.

We're still in the early weeks of a relationship, but, I am happy to find myself still enjoying and appreciating his company and attention. He went up to K-town to meet some very close friends of mine over the 4th of July weekend, and, despite his utterly, painfully shy nature, he impressed me greatly. He tolerated my love of people and my need to be surrounded by the people I care about, and seemed to, in a way, enjoy from the background my love of attention. He rode a mechanical bull for the first time- and this four-eyed, quiet, So You Think You Can Dance-watching, flip-flop and jeans-wearing nerd made folks who had ridden a hundred times look pathetic. I was beyond impressed. Then he proceeded to come out with me (voluntarily!!) on to the dance floor and verrry quickly pick up both The Cupid Shuffle and the line dance to Copperhead Road. I was impressed that he was willing to even try, the fact that he had both down within the first time seeing it done just blew me away. I pretended not to notice the gawkers as I held his hand while I showed him the steps. I know we look very different- and we are- and I know these ego-maniacal types who think because I'm "pretty" I should limit myself to dating "hot" men. What they just don't get is that, even though his personality is what absolutely means the most to me, I don't see a nerd when I look at him. I see past the glasses and shy demeanor and see the thick, toned biceps, broad shoulders and toned, muscular chest. I get that everyone else stops looking the second they throw him into one of their mental categories, but, if I had done that... Wow.
If I had turned my attention away the second I realized he wasn't "cool", I'd have missed out on someone who makes me laugh even when I don't want to, who says sweet things that I was convinced only were in sappy chick flicks, who holds my hand in public, who genuinely likes my company and the way I think, who gets a major kick out of catching other guys looking at his girlfriend, who has no problem with my blatant honesty, or other less-than-admirable qualities and who was excited when I told him my definition of intimacy was being able to pray with someone I'm in a relationship- something, by the way, that has yet to happen for me at all.

I have fallen in love with Mr Nice Guy. After dating men that I thought would take care of me and a family in the future, I found a man who loves me and appreciates who I am right now and has no intention of being anywhere but by my side in the future.

It has all happened very quickly. He has met my father, my friends and I have met some of his friends, and will travel with him to T-City for a week this Saturday to meet his family and childhood friends, all of whom are actively Christian.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified at all of this, but, well, I've never been happier, and it scares me.
I feel like we're starting off together, not ending up together, and that makes a world of difference. I don't feel like I have to find a place in his life, nor him in mine. It seems as though we're building a new life, together, from scratch. We're building a life of dancing, dedication, faith, love and family.