Build-A-Life

I miss having The Royal Family around.
We were crazy, and weird, and probably should have gotten in a lot more trouble than we did, but we were happy together. G, B, Ku, Marsha, Huggy, Nasean, and me, the crazy ass little sister. I miss them.

It's weird building a new life. I've got Baha'i friends which are a huge plus, and I've got friends all over the world... but here at Bliss, things just seem so empty sometimes. I miss having that family, those people who knew me better than anyone, and put up with my crap. I suppose some of my habits are leftover from past experiences with believers of different flavors, but I have a hard time really opening up to my fellow Baha'i folks. There's one girl I seem to have a lot in common with, but more on a personality level than an experience level, which is confusing to me sometimes. She was raised a Baha'i, and she's Persian, if I'm following everything right. She's the funky, young one in the community, with green streaks in her hair, and a new piercing every few weeks. I don't have the first clue how to open up to another woman. When was the last time I had a really close female friend that wasn't across the map? Oh yeah, Rachel... the "sister" who cut me out of her and her son's life because she didn't like the way I treated a guy I dated, but wouldn't tell me so for months. Maybe that's why it's so scary for me to let myself trust another woman. Some girls have 'Daddy Issues' but my issues, despite sexual abuse, center mostly on the alcoholic, abusive, determined-to-be-miserable mother I was born to. You know, I've never really had any other woman step up and try to be there, either. I'm really struggling to think of any positive female role models I've ever had. I suppose that's why I cling to the thought of my Dad's mom so much.

I want life to be different, I do. I want to be able to connect with people- not just on the level that they understand, but one where I feel like I'm getting something out of it, too. I've been closed up for so long. The very little true intimacy I've experienced was typically under some of the most painful or negative circumstances- a friend who's marriage was in trouble, while I needed someone to lean on, or a friend who'd just been raped, something where my opening up benefited the other person as much, if not more, than it did me.

I was never able to open up to Danger like that, and I realize now that I really do walk that fine line with Bright Eyes. I'm scared, I suppose, to be honest with him about everything. I've got such a horrible wild streak, it's seemed for so long that nobody would ever be able to love me if they knew it all. I push him away, and, even when I don't, I don't let him in like I should. I don't let anyone in like I should. Tumbleweed is getting pushed away harder than anyone, and he has no idea. I love the man dearly, but it's very hard to take care of myself when I let someone else's emotions too close to my own, and his are so overwhelming to begin with... Kid has been reaching out to me, and I think he sees that I'm hurting. I think it must be more obvious than I realize. I never was good at hiding my emotions.

I want to marry Bright Eyes and spend the rest of my life with him- I know he's the person I'm meant to be with- but I wonder if I'm ready to face forever. Sometimes, especially when things are hard, I wish I could put us on pause while I go crazy for a bit, so I can come back to this beautiful thing I have with him when I feel more prepared. It's so scary, realizing that it won't be long before there is no action that doesn't effect those people who you love most. It's one thing to realize that each action effects other people- that's heavy enough, sometimes- but to be part of a family, and know, without a doubt, every minute you choose to spend away from the home, every word you speak, every penny you spend, every mile per hour you drive has an effect on the person who you promised eternity to, on a child, on your parent... You want to talk about heavy, try taking all of that on at once. It's overwhelming under the best circumstances. If you think these are the best circumstances, welcome to my blog, you must be new here.

I really feel like Danger has become my angel. I have never been sure how much I believe in angels or spirits in terms of interaction with our world as we know it, but I know that when I was home at lunch today, and sat quietly, as his father had told me to when I wanted to speak to him, and, just as I thought I was going to cry, felt what I was sure was a kiss... Well, maybe I'm just finally overwhelmed beyond sanity, but it makes me feel better every single time I've felt him here with me. Yes, there have been other times.

I have spoken a few times recently about feeling stressed out over my current relationship with Bright Eyes. Please don't take it as me wanting to end it. Honestly, the only circumstances I can imagine giving this up for is if the guilt of our happiness after the loss of Danger becomes truly overwhelming. I love Bright Eyes, in a way I didn't think possible. I have had a dear friend, Tank, if you recall, make me promise to make an effort to make things work with Bright Eyes. Tank sees how good he is for me, and wants me to finally get it right. He knows how sure I am that this is where I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life. Danger's Dad has also made comments to the effect of me making a point of being even closer to Bright Eyes than I ever was before during all of this. This was a tremendous shove in that direction, and made me feel much better about how Danger must have felt about Bright Eyes and I getting together.

This was not at all what I intended to write about, but clearing my head after 11pm after a very long, busy day, well, I suppose this is what happens. Goodnight, Family.

I love you, Bright Eyes.