My Hero

I have just stumbled across this article on Tahiri, the first female disciple of The Bab. For those non-Baha'i folks, The Bab was the John The Baptist of the Baha'i faith. He was the guy who came along and said 'Guess who's coming to dinner!' He caught all sorts of fire and brimstone over that from the religious leadership, too.
Tahiri absolutely fascinates me. This is incredible timing for me, as I have been blathering on lately about having a massive gaping whole Sunset (my mother) should have been. Despite not having a woman parental/mentoring type figure in my day-to-day life, perhaps this is my ray of light in the darkness of the path I've wandered, a way to look up to a woman, for a change. I've spent almost 25 years looking up to men, adopting and being adopted by men and boys and taking them as my brothers, while struggling to relate to women. I've never competed with women on any level, because you can't compete with someone you don't relate to. If I don't see how they are similar to me, I can't see how we can do the same or better than one another. Only recently have I begun trying to see these similarities. I see my strengths reflect in people's appreciation for how I deal with them, but it has not been my focus, as much as I think it should, to help heal one of the, in my opinion, most split and collapsing demographics in society- women. The media, as a whole, encourages this horrible judgment and mistreatment of our own bodies, and, by default, on one another. We compare ourselves on the most shallow, superficial level we possibly could. We allow these superficial things- not to mention deeper but still irrelevant issues like race- to create a rift amongst what could so easily be the absolute strongest force on the planet. Women are renowned for their beauty, strength and grace among the worst conditions. We are incredibly resilient as a gender, and not only are we resilient, we are MADE FOR RESILIENCY. Yes, capital letters, I don't use those often. We give birth to children- an astronomically taxing process- only to watch our bodies heal in order to be able to do this again and again and again and again.
Tahirih was imprisoned repeatedly, but continued to stand by her faith. She continued to push for the rights of her sisters, by doing things unheard of in that part of the world (Persia, modern day Iran) and particularly in the Islamic faith. She unveiled herself repeatedly, once even at a religious conference, and, instead of reacting to the violent and horrific response she got, she continued right along with her speech, telling them what she thought, and refusing to give in to their rules and their expectations. After this, she was put under house arrest once again. Big surprise, right? One guy cut his own throat upon seeing an unveiled woman in public! While she was under house arrest, women flocked to see this revolutionary who was absolutely bursting at the seams with faith and knowledge and hope. Now this is the woman I want to be like! One who leads and encourages her sisters, instead of judging and looking down on them, or herself!

I've been told several times that my way of explaining the Faith is far more personal, more individually-oriented than most blogs that speak of the Baha'i life. I've payed enough attention to what my fellow Baha'is write that I know it to be true. I am an extremely forward person, by nature, and I see no use in dancing around a subject, or pretending something doesn't exist. While our Faith will, undoubtedly, have a world-wide impact (it already has, in case you weren't aware, although I may be a tad bias) any passion must start in a very personal place.
It seems like obstacles are a way of life for me- one of those crazy parts of me that my horoscope hit dead-on- I am forever trying to climb the next mountain. I am only human, and have my own struggles and flaws. I always will. I pray, so often, for God's strength in overcoming the rhythm I have begun to finally recognize, and, through that, found a way to cope with, if not completely control. This has begun to feel almost confession-like, so, Dear Friends, please forgive me if this next bit is a bit drawn-out or cryptic. While I assume most of this is hormonal, it is easily recognized as cyclical. It's not PMS or any such thing, though I assume it is, in some way, related to similar hormones. I think this is one of those things most women learn to cope with by watching their mothers, but I haven't had that chance. So, here I sit, learning to deal with a few days of sheer, overwhelming frustration at my own place in life, at the circumstances I find myself in, at the things I haven't done and might not get to do. I get angry, I get mean, and, more often than not, do a fantastic job of pushing away those who have made the effort to put up with my eccentricities and less-tolerable qualities. I'm sure all this rings a bell to every man out there as PMS, but timing says it's something slightly different, though I certainly can't put a better label on it. None the less, I see it happen, I see the questions arise, the second-guessing, the frustration, and the damage I inflict upon my relationships. Some have taken more damage than others- I couldn't tell you the number of relationships that came to a screeching halt after a single day of this. Bright Eyes, honestly, has withstood what I thought would be the end of any relationship I might want to keep. I can only hope he will continue to stand by me this way. I never expected to fall in love with someone who won't fight me, as, surely, passion is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness, but here I am, contemplating what marriage would mean for my life, as well as his and that of Angel Eyes. I've been considering an attempt at getting my tubes untied- a surgery I had done during that time of darkness when my mother had more influence on my life than I did- because I can't imagine not wanting to build a family with Bright Eyes. I am teaching him about the Faith I love so dearly, and planning a future that, most days, I can't imagine without him.

So, my friends, while this may have been one of the longest posts you've ever read (assuming you didn't skip 90% of this as I, with my rather short attention span, may have), I appreciate your willingness to be on the receiving end of my blathering and ranting.