Transition

My world is totally up-ended.
I have moved across the entire world, lost one of my best friends, and a man that I have always and will always love very much, I have made my first PCS move- a strenuous process in the most stable circumstances, gotten my father's paperwork done so the Army will help me support him and so that I won't go as broke as I've been trying to support him, driving back and forth place, an hour and a half away, and my base as often as I'm able, dealing with some bizarre physical adaptation that's keeping me even clumsier than usual, and, oh yeah, dealing with a long-distance relationship and his daughter.
I'm overwhelmed, broke, tired, and more than a little aggravated. I'm trying to keep myself together, but it's become strenuous. Every positive move I've made is at a standstill, if it hasn't, in fact, gone backwards. I am glad I no longer drink, or I would undoubtedly wind up in far more trouble just now.
I am struggling to maintain control of a life I currently have almost no say in, and fighting old urges. I have the option to go Special Forces, which is something I recently learned, and want it so bad I can taste it. However, this would, undoubtedly, be damaging to my relationship and make life for Bright Eyes and Angel Eyes quite a bit more difficult for a while, and the lifestyle simply isn't as conducive to having a family as the plans we'd discussed. So, I make a sacrifice.
I hear all about how Bright Eyes wants to delay this that and the other, and make all these changes to what I thought was a pretty stable game plan, in order to make it an easier transition on his daughter, while I have nearly neglected my own charge in order to make our relationship work. It's incredibly frustrating to jump through hoops all day long to be asked to be patient and, oh yeah, jump through more hoops to make a relationship work, all the while neglecting my own responsibilities in order to make the relationship work. Bright Eyes has been planning to come down here, and, naturally, he was going to stay with Tumbleweed and I while he was here. Tumbleweed has never met Bright Eyes, but I was going to let him stay with us anyway, despite knowing this would not be the most comfortable situation for Tumbleweed, especially knowing that I'd be the only one working through this period of time. I'd be taking on additional financial repsonsibilities, plus coming home to two men who would *hopefully* get along the 12 or so hours per day I was at work. Never mind the possibility of having to go to the field with my unit or any such monkey wrench during that time.
I can't turn in the paperwork for Tumbleweed until after this week and possibly another week, despite the fact that his lease expires at the end of the month. I will be taking out a loan, at a minimum, to cover the first month's rent on the apartment, if not a hell of a lot more just to support the two of us until the Army's money comes through.
I have been going through day after day of mandatory briefs about things I already know, between 3 years in the Army, 2 years as a spouse, and 12 years of living locally. Yet, none of what I need to accomplish can be accomplished currently, despite my own preparations.
I deal with junior soldiers day in and day out, trying to keep the newest ones out of trouble, and trying to maintain my sanity at the same time.
I am ready to give up. I am fighting for strength, I am fighting for survival, but I've just about had it with doing favors and jumping through hoops for circumstances that truly seem to be a weight on me. I am frustrated, tired, bruised, swollen, lacerated, overwhelmed, broke, and totally stuck. Yet more changes, more requests, more burdens, more EVERYTHING just keeps getting piled on me.
I want to be the best. I always have and always will. It's coming to a point, though, that trying to be the best at everything has become ignorant of what is best for me.
Something's got to give, and I don't know what it will be.
I can't go back to my old ways, I'd never forgive myself, but weight of four worlds seems to be on my shoulders, and I'm just tired of it.
Bright Eyes, I love you, but it's probably going to be a couple more days before we get to really talk. I am apparently incapable of having a normal conversation about these things right now.