Understatement Of Understanding

As I sat there, thinking about choices I've made, both recently and in my more distant past, I had a startling, if rather "duh" realization: At some point in your life, you have to acknowledge that the chaos that exists inextricably in your life exists there because you want it there.

Sounds like a real forehead-slapper, doesn't it?

To most people, I assume, that's one of those anti-climatic realizations. For me, it was what my favorite drill sergeant in basic training called an 'Oh Shit!' moment. (Pardon my language.) It was a moment- like that pause between a preparatory command and it's correlating command of execution- where you realize what you're about to have to face.

It seems like I spend more time facing myself than anything else, these days.

It's so odd to me that so many people have this incredible opinion of me, and that I understand other people so well, it's just incredibly plain to me what their reasoning and thought process is, or at the minimum their motivation, yet, when it comes to myself, it takes an act of God to get through to me. Does that make any sense to anyone?!

I have struggled with a Catholic sense of guilt for as long as I can remember. I have always felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, and have, more often than not, got it into my head that something so incredibly out of my realm of control was entirely my fault. This is just the way I operate. So, the only thing I've ever really struggled with other people on is those who feel no sense of responsibility for things clearly attributed to them. I start feeling guilty if I think something even vaguely looks like it might be fault from another person's perspective! This is all very odd, though, if you remember that I grew up being told that my own actions and words were not in my control and, therefor, not my fault. The guilt was there, but the true comprehension of preventing or controlling the outcome? That took me until I was into my twenties- and some days, like this one, I'm realizing there's still so much more I have to learn about this personal responsibility business.

Another recent realization- if I handle things as they come at me, instead of taking time with one "small" thing and then realizing that I suddenly have four not-so-small things in my lap, that my stress level will probably go to zero. Again, what might be a complete "duh" moment for other people, a definite light bulb moment for me. Sad, but true.

So, I've been reading a book called Eat, Pray, Love. I'm thrilled by this book, and it's convinced me I need to work a little bit harder at forgiving myself, and not kicking my own butt as much as I tend to. I think it'll make life a lot easier- or at least minimize the stress that comes with living inside this head of mine.

I'm trying. If nothing else, Lord, please know that I'm trying.