I ended it a few days ago now, I think, though days are blurring together into a big stream of conversations, emotions and, least of all, for once, events.
I love Bright Eyes dearly, and, I suppose, always will. I got an email this morning, as I pulled out of my drive way this morning (wifi + iPod touch= a blessing and a curse) telling me how angry he was at me. FINALLY! I'd expected this from the jump, but had given up on getting any sort of reaction from him by now.
That sounds incredibly manipulative, doesn't it?
Let me explain. After being raised in a house where manipulation and loud, corrosive, angry arguments are the norm, I have never, ever been able to comprehend someone who doesn't actively (key word) fight for what they want. I don't understand it, literally and figuratively. I will fight, tooth and nail, for what I want most, once I'm sure that's what I want. Not to say I don't have a fickle streak, but things that are deep-seeded wants eventually get past that streak. When it comes to relationships, and people in general, I struggle with understanding their reactions. I'm not sure if it's my competitive nature, or simply my comfort zone that screams 'SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE' every time someone's unwilling to put their negative emotions on display, but it happens with every relationship (all two of them) that it's occurred in. I'm not comfortable with it.
I can get all hopeful and optimistic and say that I think it's just that I don't like feeling like I'm the only one who feels safe enough in our relationship to put those on display, but it's more than likely it's a cross between my comfort zone and the fact that I'm incredibly self-concious about the negative emotions I do display to someone, after all I experienced as a child. I need the passion and pain as much as the loving and gentle. It's a wild, confusing, chaotic sort of balance, but I don't know how to do one without the other. Will I always be this way? I don't know. I'd like to think I'd get more tolerant and less volatile with the years, but maybe I've calmed down as much as I ever will.
One thing I am sure of, though, is something that hit me like a brick after I read the OMG-you-really-are-a-BLEEP email this morning. I feel bad not because I did something wrong, but because I hurt someone. I don't feel bad for my actions, but for the reprecussions. Sounds obvious, I'm sure, but the twist is that if I did my best- and I really did, despite some theories- then I have nothing to hate myself for. I can forgive myself, so long as I know I did my best. I can't make him forgive me. I am still a little confused that all the fighting, the frustration and tears and the times I hung up on him, never to get a call back, that this is when he decided to stand up to me, but none the less, I can't change his feelings. I will, however, need to change my own for things to get any better for my own future, and for this to be a stepping stone, instead of just a slippery rock in the middle of the river.
I have to learn to forgive myself.
So long as I hold on to that Catholic-Guilt Security Blanket, I will not be happy with myself or where I am in my life. Bright Eyes, I love you, but thank you for being mad at me and saying all the things that made me feel like an utter douche bag while I read your email. Non-specific as it was, it put the boot where it needed to be, and, well, I get it now- that one thing I didn't know when I was with you, the thing that made this all so screwed up. Yeah, you fixed it. The thing is, between that email, and knowing that's what it takes to get some fight outta you, I'm not sure I want to go through that again, or put you through that again. I love you, babe, and I always will, and maybe I will feel different someday... I just know that, right now, you are not someone I need to be with. I apologize for hurting you, but I won't hurt myself over it any more.
I love Bright Eyes dearly, and, I suppose, always will. I got an email this morning, as I pulled out of my drive way this morning (wifi + iPod touch= a blessing and a curse) telling me how angry he was at me. FINALLY! I'd expected this from the jump, but had given up on getting any sort of reaction from him by now.
That sounds incredibly manipulative, doesn't it?
Let me explain. After being raised in a house where manipulation and loud, corrosive, angry arguments are the norm, I have never, ever been able to comprehend someone who doesn't actively (key word) fight for what they want. I don't understand it, literally and figuratively. I will fight, tooth and nail, for what I want most, once I'm sure that's what I want. Not to say I don't have a fickle streak, but things that are deep-seeded wants eventually get past that streak. When it comes to relationships, and people in general, I struggle with understanding their reactions. I'm not sure if it's my competitive nature, or simply my comfort zone that screams 'SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE' every time someone's unwilling to put their negative emotions on display, but it happens with every relationship (all two of them) that it's occurred in. I'm not comfortable with it.
I can get all hopeful and optimistic and say that I think it's just that I don't like feeling like I'm the only one who feels safe enough in our relationship to put those on display, but it's more than likely it's a cross between my comfort zone and the fact that I'm incredibly self-concious about the negative emotions I do display to someone, after all I experienced as a child. I need the passion and pain as much as the loving and gentle. It's a wild, confusing, chaotic sort of balance, but I don't know how to do one without the other. Will I always be this way? I don't know. I'd like to think I'd get more tolerant and less volatile with the years, but maybe I've calmed down as much as I ever will.
One thing I am sure of, though, is something that hit me like a brick after I read the OMG-you-really-are-a-BLEEP email this morning. I feel bad not because I did something wrong, but because I hurt someone. I don't feel bad for my actions, but for the reprecussions. Sounds obvious, I'm sure, but the twist is that if I did my best- and I really did, despite some theories- then I have nothing to hate myself for. I can forgive myself, so long as I know I did my best. I can't make him forgive me. I am still a little confused that all the fighting, the frustration and tears and the times I hung up on him, never to get a call back, that this is when he decided to stand up to me, but none the less, I can't change his feelings. I will, however, need to change my own for things to get any better for my own future, and for this to be a stepping stone, instead of just a slippery rock in the middle of the river.
I have to learn to forgive myself.
So long as I hold on to that Catholic-Guilt Security Blanket, I will not be happy with myself or where I am in my life. Bright Eyes, I love you, but thank you for being mad at me and saying all the things that made me feel like an utter douche bag while I read your email. Non-specific as it was, it put the boot where it needed to be, and, well, I get it now- that one thing I didn't know when I was with you, the thing that made this all so screwed up. Yeah, you fixed it. The thing is, between that email, and knowing that's what it takes to get some fight outta you, I'm not sure I want to go through that again, or put you through that again. I love you, babe, and I always will, and maybe I will feel different someday... I just know that, right now, you are not someone I need to be with. I apologize for hurting you, but I won't hurt myself over it any more.
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