It's been more obvious by the day lately how much not having a mother figure has impacted my interactions with others. I don't relate to women. I feel fake talking to women, like I have so much to hide, like I'm lying, even when I'm pouring my soul out. I never had that mom that showed me how I was supposed to be, how to handle emotions, how to handle other people or hard times. She showed me how to handle a bottle, and that was more by example than anything. It's no wonder I was so good at hiding my drinking for so many years, and it makes more sense now than ever why she used to stress that we could call her if we got ourselves in a bad situation and couldn't leave because we were drunk- it was the one thing she knew about. I wonder if women who grow up with a real mother understand how different it is for the rest of us. It wasn't just the example stuff, it was the little stuff, too. I didn't learn to braid my own hair until I was 21 and in basic training. She didn't teach me how to drive, my father and a boyfriend I had at 16 or so did all that. I remember relationships that were way more stable than the ones I've had as an adult, and I try to figure out why. I don't know if it was because I needed them to help me when I got kicked out or had to leave my mom's house, or if it's harder now that I understand what I want and what I can't handle and what I've been through. Things have changed since the second rape. Post-traumatic stress disorder, the nightmares, the anger... Then again, it's only been 4 years this month that I've been un-medicated and held responsible for my own emotions and actions. On those medications, I never had feelings. I wasn't allowed to. If I cried, it must be because I hadn't taken my medications. If I didn't like what mom had to say, I must have not taken my medications today. Then I betrayed her and got better. I wasn't ever really sick, you see, but she needs someone to be sick, she needs someone to fix so badly so she never, ever has to look at her alcoholism, at her own actions, at a life where she's not in the spotlight. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life, completely alone, than ever be anything like her. I'm terrified of it. People tell me I'm so strong... I don't see it. I'm trying, but I feel like I fail over and over. I got myself into a relationship with someone I've cared about for a long time, but I broke all my own rules in the process. So, when it ended, and I made that choice, and feel I made the right choice, it's naturally my fault. As if I didn't have the classic sense of Catholic guilt, I apparently need three reminders a day about how much of a bad person I make someone out to be. How am I ever supposed to heal when I just keep getting told what a screw up I am? The pictures of me and Bright Eyes are still next to my bed, the ring he gave me is in my purse (it hurts too much to wear a reminder of all of this) and yet I'm told that me trying to heal from the string of a dozen or so relationships, the death of a man I love more than life, and all the more recent issues that have come to light, while supporting my father and running a clinic, it's all just me running away from a relationship and wanting to screw other men. *Bangs head against wall*
Guess what? If I broke up with you to sleep with some mystery guy(s), it's probably a pretty clear sign that I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Wouldn't that still be a lot like, oh yeah, me not being ready for a relationship? I'm not messing around with anyone, dating anyone, "pursuing options during a night out" as you so eloquently accused me of, but thanks for the vote of confidence. With an understanding heart like that, you must be beating the girls off with a stick up there.
I'm angry, yes. Ninety-percent of this is ranting. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm frustrated, I'm overwhelmed, and I just don't want to do it anymore. You want a list of the other things I'd like to quit?
- Being responsible for another human being, especially one (or three) I did not bring into this world
- Being in the U.S. Army where I work 12 hour days and come home with 72 hours worth of stress on my shoulders, and wonder if I'll be able to afford to get out when the time comes.
- Living in a near-stranger's house, because that's the only way someone I love will have a roof over his head
- Automatically being the responsible one and the designated driver every single time I go out because I don't drink.
- Being the daughter of an alcoholic, the survivor of a rape, and the ex-fiance of a dead man
A more positive post to follow this rant.
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