Backwards

I suppose it's jinxing this to say I hope it sticks, but I don't feel the need to be around a man today.
Yes, that's unusual for me.
I continually sabotage relationships, but I can't stand the thought of being alone.
Today, though, I just feel, well, done.
Bunny has been incredibly supportive, even once I told him I would not be making promises to him, in any form, for the forseeable future. He was there for me last night, and I am grateful. I had a small-ish meltdown, but he was there for me until I told him to leave, and, even then, I knew I could call him any time I needed.
He's a good man, but he has more issues than I can fit into my life right now as anything more than a friend, and I want to keep it that way. I can't deal with divorce, custody battles, warrants for speeding tickets, being in too long to be at the rank he is, and failing PT tests. He's a wonderful guy, with too much baggage for someone with this much baggage.
The gate guard I had befriended and I are apparently not on great terms, which is weird, but not out of the norm for unusual friendships with uncertain boundaries. Complicated, but mostly just ridiculous in the end.
Dad, Tumbleweed, whatever... things are getting better, at least in the sense that I think he's starting to understand why this just isn't working at all at this point... Starting to. How long that process could take, I don't know.
I just wish I trusted myself enough to say I'll be alone for a while. Truthfully, I don't see the point in relationships anymore. Nobody sticks around long enough to really understand me, and those that do are either family or strictly in the friends-only zone for one reason or another. I'm just not sure it's what I want, and, after losing Danger, I'm not sure I want to open my heart to that kind of pain again. It's a daily struggle. He's my inspiration, but he's also a source of pain and guilt, and it's all so confusing and tomultuous, and... I just don't want to experience this twice. I can do what I want to do in life without a partner. I can get my MS in Nursing, I can travel to India, I can visit Memphis, I can do anything I want alone as easily, and sometimes more easily, than I could with a partner in tow. I just wish I could convince my heart not to see the best in people and want to be a part of it every single frikking time!
I want to focus more on my faith, though that seems to be a struggle, too, lately, and I'm not entirely sure why. I want it, but it hurts, too. This community is awesome, but they are so far removed from what I know and who I am that sometimes, it just feels like I'm the ignorant little sister, and I'm really tired of playing that role in life.

Maybe it's starting to clear up, or maybe it'll always be this way. I don't know.