Wasting Time, Wasting Me

It's not a huge secret at this point that I'm struggling with my relationship. Bright Eyes is one of my limited number of regular readers of this blog, and, aside from the fact that I have been avoiding talking to him for the last few days, this makes it that much more known that my head isn't where he would want it to be.
So, this afternoon, I go out to meet a friend at the tattoo shop to hang out with him while he gets some work done. That gets changed because the artist had some things going on. So, we go to lunch, then hit my friend Z's place for a bbq. He passes out, while we're sitting in his backyard with two of his friends. I clean up, do the dishes, put the food away, and such, and leave him a note. Three of us take off to meet a friend of mine at one of the local bars. Around midnight, we grab food at Denny's and then I take the two I came with home. I get home around 4 in the morning- much later than I can reasonably comprehend- and I check facebook real quick, only to see this on my darling Bright Eyes' page:



Here are the lyrics, if you have a hard time understanding the live version.

H E A R T B R E A K I N G

I miss him and I love him- more than words can say- and yet I sit here feeling worse by the breath at what I am putting him through. I want to be ready. I want to be confident and happy and in love and this great woman I know I will be someday, and I want to be that woman for him.

But that's not who I am.

Maybe it never will be.

I enjoy my freedom, the way people react to me, the random conversations in even more random places with people I've never met before in my life... I enjoy this amazing aspect of being single. I have so much responsibility on my plate- it seems like I always have- that this relationship has become a beautiful cage for me. I'm not good at the caged thing. Birds have always been my favorite animal, but they get this sad look in their eyes when they're caged. It's not the same. It's a feeling I relate to and I hate myself for it. I need to get the- pardon my language here- balls up and actually have this conversation with Bright Eyes, but the thought of hurting him is already tearing me apart and I just don't want to hurt him anymore, and what will make me happier will not help him.... I love him, so how is it possible to need to be free like this? It's so overwhelming and so complex and so incredibly PAINFUL! I can't imagine what he's going through, but it feels like talking about it's about to make it so much worse. I'm tired of hurting people. I've never loved someone like this, so I really never thought it would come back to this crap... I never thought I'd want to be without his heart.... And here I am, hating myself, feeling like I made the same mistake again, and I just can't see how I ended up right back here....
I can't keep doing this. I am bordering dangerously close on actions that look an awful lot like my mother's. I won't put a man or a little girl through that hell. I love them both. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's not, I can't even tell anymore. I just know I want to stop hurting him, and I know I can't be the woman he deserves... the one who only laughs for him.... That's not who I am, not right now......
Sorry doesn't even begin to cover this....