Expectations

She said I'd never be able to hold a job, so I joined the Army- and re-enlisted.
She said I'd never be able to be in a real relationship, so I got married. (And divorced.)
She said I'd never be able to drive, so I got my license- and never got a ticket or an accident.
She said I'd never be able to be off the medications, so I went through the withdrawals, and stayed off of them.
She said I'd never be able to be a mother, and here I am wanting so desperately to prove her wrong.

Here is my introspection.
I've spent my entire life trying to understand what parts of me come from her, and spent so much energy trying not to be like her and trying to prove her wrong. Right now, part of me is grateful my tubes are tied, so I can't drag two children through the choices I'm making, as she did.
Bright Eyes and Angel Eyes have become my focus. Right or wrong, they've been my goal, my reason for moving forward lately. I've fought hard to stay with Bright Eyes, and I love him, undoubtedly. Tumbleweed has become a straw on a weak camel's back, and Bright Eyes and Angel Eyes that heap of hay that I wonder if I can handle. The Army, will all it's millions of responsibilities and requirements and requests, is a lot to handle. Family is a lot to handle. Dealing with the haunting fears and pains and nightmares and hurts is a lot to handle. A long-distance relationship, particularly where there is a child involved, is a lot to handle.

Do I not know how to take my time? Do I not understand the skills that some people seem to be born with, able to say no when their plate gets full, able to avoid the guilt of not upholding what everyone expects of you? As I was cleaning the last barracks room I am signed for, today, I found a note with three quotes on it, all of them by the Dali Lama, but one that stood out to me, and sucker-punched my heart:

"The moment there is a pattern of what I SHOULD be, there is no comprehension of what I am." -attributed to the Dali Lama.

It's not that I think my father and my boyfriend have particularly astronomical expectations of me, it's that I will never, ever be happy with myself. Ever.
No matter how far I've come, no matter how many people I've proven wrong, I will not be happy. I have to do better, achieve more, stand out more, help more, fix more... I just wonder when- or if, lately- I will be able to say enough is enough without completely breaking, once and for all. I've hit rock bottom before. It's not a place I care to go again. The problem with this is that I know, I know, that if I don't let go of some things soon, I will find myself there again, but I fear that this will be worse than the last, as they always seem to have to be to get my attention, and that I may not come out of this one. Two days ago, I was so sure I wanted to marry Bright Eyes, and I still have no doubt whatsoever that I love this man like I have loved nobody else, and that he's the man I was meant to marry. The problem with this is, I'm having a really hard time doing what I should, because there's just so damm much of it! The things I want, right or wrong, are not the things I should want, the things I should be happy with, the things I should strive for. Having a family is one of the most beautiful things in life. I don't contest that. I just wonder if I'm doing it for the right reasons. How many things can I prove her wrong about before I admit that I'm doing it more to prove her wrong than to make myself happy?

And how many things can I do and be happy about it before I hate myself for not doing what I "should" be doing?

I'm not making any changes until I'm sure, but I really, really want to hide for the entire 4 day weekend. This isn't feasible because of all the "shoulds", especially where my dad is concerned, but there's not much I wouldn't give to feel more like me and less like someone's daughter/girlfriend/Soldier for a while.

I have four and a half months before I have been on this earth for a quarter of a century, and I look back at it all in total awe. I have done a lot of things I wanted to do, but so much of it was for lack of other/better options, or because, well, it was easier to give in to someone else's ideas of what I should do than stand up for my own.

I have considered asking Bright Eyes for a break in our relationship. I love him so much, though, it just seems like I'll lose him for good if I let him go even for a second. And if I do ask for a break, and I realize that I'm not meant for that situation, well, I would never forgive myself for not doing what I should have with him. He loves me in a way I didn't know was possible, and I love him- and his daughter- so much it absolutely hurts. You'd think love like this would make shoulds a lot easier, wouldn't you?