Life As I Know It

....is insane.
Dad has decided he doesn't want me to get a court order to make him my dependent. This was the last option. Yet, he doesn't want to find a place to live. And he decided he wants to see a lawyer about this, but seems to expect me to make the appointment for this. I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, and, well, done. I'm at the end of my rope, and I have no other options to take care of him.
So, I will go ask for a barracks room tomorrow, and begin moving in. It's not because I want to live on post, but with no chance at having the money to live off post in sight, well, it's my only option.
Work is busy, to say the least. My MSG asked me Friday if I was considering suicide. As blunt and, frankly, weird as it was to have this conversation with this man, it was nice to know that there were people who understood just how much I had on my plate, and what kind of toll that sort of thing takes.
Bunny has been really good to me, but I'm at the point that I always get to of pushing him away. At least I've been honest with him about it. I'm just done. I needed time alone again, so I'm keeping him at a distance. I don't know if being away from him for a while will make me miss him or if I'll just keep pushing him farther away, but, well, I'm not all that focused on anyone else right now. Selfish, I suppose, but I'm tired of hurting, and if you don't let anyone in, they can't hurt you.
Everything's coming apart at the seams lately, and I'm trying to hold it together. At work, I've been doing very well hiding it all. I'm quite proud of myself for faking the smile and motivation I totally and utterly lack lately. I just want things to go away, but they don't. So I keep going, I keep holding my head up, even when I'm holding my head up on my way to hide in the bathroom for half an hour so I can cry without anyone seeing it.
I wish I could simply accept that I'll be alone forever. It would make my life so much easier. I continue to hope this one's going to be the one, and I do a pretty good job of convincing myself, but, well, they never are. I suspect they never will be. I no longer know if it's because of my pain over losing Danger and realizing exactly how much I love him and miss him, or if it's simply that I suck at this sort of trust thing, but I'm more and more convinced that this ugly little cycle of 'I love you now leave me alone' will continue. Bunny is very good to me, but he's got more than his share of problems as well. Mostly, I think he helped me ignore my own. It was nice. I talk about it like it's over, but I'm not convinced anything's ever really over any more. I just know what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not, and, well, this ain't it. Something just feels wrong about it, and that means it's time to move on.
Wasn't this supposed to get easier at some point?
I'm going to start saving up money for a car, though I have no clue what kind just yet, and a friend is going to loan me one of his vehicles for a couple months so I can save money for a down payment. As much as I'd tried to avoid a car loan, it sure doesn't look like I'll be able to avoid it this time. So, come end of December or beginning of January, I'll be buying a new (new-to-me) vehicle. My birthday is mid-January, so that should be a nice bonus for my birthday. Now, to get it all rolling...