Lessons In Danger

I laid awake for hours last night missing him.
It's gotten to be a regular thing.
The more time that passes, the more I understand in retrospect, and the more I want to take from what we had and put it to use somewhere in my future. I want to be more like that crazy, perverted, twisted, and incredibly loving and loyal man. (If I get hit by a stray bolt of lightening on my way home today, it's because I just ruined his Tough Guy reputation.)
He accepted everyone just as they were- something I'm far from mastering. I wish I could have been a little more accepting of his quirks, rather than demanding so much from him. He always jumped through the hoops, but he was willing to fight for me, too. Lord, did that boy fight for me. I was so scared, though, and I just kept finding more excuses to push him away. One of the few (two, for the record) chaplains I've ever really liked always used to tell me that true love is pushed without being pushed away. That had Danger down to the letter. I let him go.
His quote on Facebook was "Judging my faith and walking on splinters. I lost my soul to the look in your eyes." Yeah, I know exactly what he meant by that, and I'm not happy with myself over that. I didn't do the best I could with him, and I know it. I gave up because I was scared. I let the little things pile up instead of accepting the ones we couldn't change and being patient about the others. As usual, everything had to be done yesterday, and I was not satisfied if it wasn't. I love him so much, though, and, to some degree, it will always be difficult to love someone else. He loved me in a way that still overwhelms me. I talk to him more or less daily, about as often as I pray these days, which I need to step up on, and I watch Walk The Line- the first movie we watched together- pretty frequently to help me feel better as I try to fall asleep. I talk to him, and, more often than not, can hear what his response would be/is to things I'm thinking about. I miss him desperately. I suppose I'm in the bargaining stage of the grieving process, because last night I was absolutely begging him to come back. I've said it a million times- I'd give anything to have him back. The dreams I have of him are so vivid, so clear, and so overwhelming. I wake up feeling like I'll roll over and he'll be right there next to me, as my husband, where he belongs. This morning was a rather extreme example. As I fell asleep, all I could think is that I'd wake up in Korea, with Starr, my old crazy, Jewish, lesbian roommate, getting ready for PT, and have a text message or email waiting from this man. It didn't happen that way, though, and it breaks my heart. I want a second chance with him, I want that man that I tried so hard to win over, and then let go when it got too scary. I want him back.
There's so much I've learned from him about dealing with people and appreciating them for what they are, but I wish I'd learned it while I still had him, rather than having to lose him for good to really understand it. If/when I have a son, he will be named after this man. I love him that much, and I can only pray to have a son like him.
I'd give anything to have Danger back where he belongs. I can't believe how hard this healing process is, and I still haven't completely accepted that I will never get him back. Last night I had some really unusual thoughts- not urges, but thoughts- about seeing him again, and the process involved in that. It's not something I'd act on, but it disturbed me that it even occurred to me, to be totally honest.
I miss him so much. I am planning the next tattoo work I get, and I am incorporating his memory into it, despite already having an official "memorial" tattoo for him.
Danger, if you're reading this, hearing this, or whatever, please never forget that, while I'm far from perfect, I love you more than any words will ever express and miss you in a way I didn't know I was capable of. The best tattoo you ever did was the one on my heart. Rest in peace, baby, and continue to watch over me. I need your help right now.