Caught In The In-Between

I'm lonely as all get-out.
Yet, I'm far from being over Danger's death, and I know full well I'm not ready for a relationship.
Honestly, I dread the thought of having to answer to someone.
I meet people every day and think 'Wouldn't it be cool to be with someone like that?' and the other part of me screams, in a very you're-not-my-real-dad sort of tone 'We don't need to answer to him!!!!'
Yes, in my head, it's a plural. I never have figured out why. Neither of us have.
*shrug*
If it's there, might as well run with it, right?

Anyway, today has been the worst, loneliness-wise. I'm not sure why. Yesterday, I  hid in the bathroom for a while after lunch to get the tears out of the way. Today, yes, I miss Danger dearly, but... I just don't want to be alone or sit still for too long. Maybe this is the healing process- waves of misery, followed by waves of keeping myself so busy I don't notice the pain. The other night (I've lost track of which one, to be totally honest) I was at a point I recognized as being one of those times when alcohol would have pushed me over the line, from sad and grieving to destructive. Tuesday will be 18 months sober. A year and a half, man. Those first few months were so hard. I remember being happy when our unit got put on dry status (no drinking) for a while because then I didn't have to see anyone drinking. I remember ordering cokes just to look like I was drinking, or those super-girly drinks (virgin, even though I'd never been one for the alcoholic girly drinks) just so I would give the appearance I was drinking. I remember people laughing at me and saying there was no way I'd stop for good. A lot of people.
Mom told me I'd never hold a job. I've been in the Army three years now. She said I'd never drive a car- I've had my license for a few years now, no tickets, accidents, fines, nothing. She never told me, though, that I'd never quit drinking. I think that was unspoken. Not only is sobriety one less way I'm like her, it's one more way that I've overcome her. She's still drinking, I'm sure. Decades of alcoholism don't just fade away, and she'd have to admit she had a problem before she could fix it.
I don't know where life will lead me, or if I'll ever be in a relationship again, or if I'll just wander this earth til Heaven calls me Home, but here I am, in control. It's my choice.