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I want it all to go away.
I don't want my Dad to be leaning on me, I don't want Danger to be gone, I don't want to be living under someone else's roof, I don't want to wake up feeling like the world is depending on me, I don't want to fall asleep feeling like guilt and pain are all that are keeping me tied to this world... but this is what happens, every single day.
I try to pray, and once or twice a day, it comes... Mostly, my heart feels broken and every move I make feels wrong. I'm tired and sad all the time now, and the stress is wearing me out physically. Headaches, nausea, fatigue... Maybe some of it's dehydration on occasion, but I really can't tell the difference anymore.
I've been spending too much time with Bunny. Way too much time. He's such a great guy, but much sloppier than I'd like. Not that he's a messy person, just that his life is, well, sloppy. He seems to be okay, or at the very least, stuck, where he's at. I don't know how to be okay where I am. Maybe this is why the overwhelming sense of guilt comes every time I realize I should have been doing push ups on the hour, or studying for the board more, or doing a thousand effing things to improve my or someone else's situation. Dad wants us to talk. I'm beyond tired of talking. The emails we send back and forth are about as labor intensive as I can handle. We have had the same conversation at least 6 times now, and yet he always comes back with the same things; there must be a way, what if, when will we decide... There's nothing left to talk about, and hasn't been for a long time. He doesn't seem to understand this is hard on me, too, though, sometimes, I suspect it's harder on me than him. Maybe that is selfish to think that, but it's there, none the less.
I dread every morning now. I dread seeing my own father, even in passing. I feel angry and hurt and overwhelmed and guilty for feeling those things. We live in the same house, it's beyond wrong for me to feel this, but I can't seem to accept the feelings and move on with things as I'd like. It just HURTS.
Bunny is a distraction, and a friend. I feel as though I'm using him, but I do genuinely care about him. He knows where I stand with everything, but that doesn't make me feel any less- again- guilty.
How could it not be obvious that I'm out straight? I just want to give up on all of this. If I didn't have a lot to do at work, or I had some money saved up, I'd take leave, just to go away somewhere. I don't know where I'd even go, just away from here.
I feel guilty for not fixing things for dad.
I feel guilty for not being able to give myself time to heal from Danger.
I feel guilty for not doing push ups and studying like I should be.
I feel guilty for spending too much time with Bunny as a distraction.
I feel guilty for missing Feast last night, and for not going to devotionals.
I feel guilty for hurting Bright Eyes.
I feel guilty for not saving more money.
I feel guilty for not making it back down to Georgia to get my tattoo finished yet.
I feel guilty for being mad at my NCO for being lazy about her job and not wanting to help me when I need her.
I feel guilty for not praying more.
I feel guilty for not giving money to the Baha'i center.
I feel guilty for taking my ACU top off at work, even after someone told me it was against post policy.

I just feel guilty and I want it all to go away.