Alone At The Cross Roads

What if I'm not meant to have someone?
What if I get more and more comfortable being by myself, and simply stay that way?
Would that be so bad?

This feeling isn't quite as sudden as it might sound.
I've always struggled with relationships, and, while I like having someone, I tend to move past people pretty quickly. Most of the longer relationships I've had were when I was younger, or extremely volatile. I'd be lying if I said I was confident that I would meet someone that made me want to stay. I have loved men, and oh Lord have I loved, but it seems odd that it's always the men I can't truly have for my own that I fall for. There are plenty of dynamics unique to the Army that make relationships even more complex than they would be anyway. I just wonder if the true reason for me being comfortable with these men is that, well, I don't want forever. To some degree, I do enjoy meeting new people and not knowing what will happen. Though I know far more about what I would like (in theory) in a relationship, does that mean I'm ready for one? I just don't know. I honestly feel right now that I am more ready than I'd ever expected to be for this settling down business. I just don't care, though. I have other focuses, and, well, I don't enjoy being alone, but having someone would limit my goals and abilities, and I don't know if or why I'd want that right now.

Tank and I are still close friends, and I can see so much of myself in him that it's frightening. His wife and children rarely see him. He's so wrapped up in his life, his career, his Soldiers and battle buddies, that he doesn't often spend any real time at home. He was recently diagnosed with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) which I had suspected anyway. This left him crumbling, and made him question his worth, as it would any Soldier. My diagnosis of PTSD from before I ever joined the Army makes me question, seriously, how effective I can be on the battle field, and if my history with this disorder will be a helping factor in my dealing and healing or a threat to my health and stability. "Good Soldiers" do not have injuries or disorders, never mind the emotional/mental sort! That's what we're bred to understand, trained to believe. We don't, however, get the choice in whether or not we are struck with a problem. We are simply seen as failures for not being able to come home with that Purple Heart and all four limbs, unmarred from flesh to soul. While the mindset of Vietnam is long past, there are still plenty who see us as baby killers, and many of us who question ourselves for having to do what we have to do in battle. Those that claim they want to kill are generally the first to fall apart when they finally are on that end of the gun. We're all just humans doing our best to live up to our full potential, some of us to help our country, others because it what comes naturally.

Can I be a Good Soldier? Can I be a good Baha'i? Can I do both at once? Can I be either without needing/wanting a family at home waiting for me?
These are the struggles I face each day.