Sand Through The Hourglass Figure

I'm not built like a "white girl".

I looked like a dancer as a child, long legs and slender build, high cheek bones, large eyes... A lack of coordination and a wild streak a mile wild killed ballet lessons after not too long. I was young, and I don't remember that year well, but I can't imagine I was an easy child to control.

Around the time I hit fourteen- perhaps it was the short-lived pregnancy at such a young age that did it- My hips went out, and I didn't grow much taller after that, though I was expected to be 6 ft at one point. I gained and lost weight, but my shape never was quite the same. I was too slender to fit in on Mom's side of the family, but still a bit curvier than the women on my Dad's side. My Dad's mother and I bear a striking resemblance, though my hips are about as wide now as hers were after four live births.

I'm past the point of hiding my thick legs under whatever works to cover them up. I'm tired of acting like my body is something to be bothered by. Yes, of course, I have self-conscious periods just like everyone else does, but I've been anorexic, I went through bulimia, I did so many horrible things to my body, and still I am in better shape, without trying, than many women have ever been. I can't be mad at that. I won't always see what other people do when it comes to my looks, but they're mine, and I'm learning.

I spent an hour and a half on the cross-fit cardio machine today. It was one step down from running, and my heartbeat was above 140 almost the entire time. It felt great. I watched many people come and go, and had plenty look at me in an odd way when they realized I was still going without problem. I don't know why it's suddenly become so much easier for me to do cardio activity, but I am truly, truly enjoying it. I want to get to the point where I am able to hit the gym every day and enjoy it. I've gotten much better about it all, but I still have some miles to cover before I can make it a daily thing. I am fortunate to know my body well enough to realize when I am at risk of hurting myself or overdoing it, and when I need to push fluids, etc.

I truly feel like I am at a turning point in my life. There's plenty I'm confused and worried about right now, but the weight is so much lighter on my shoulders than it once was. The parts of myself that I worked so hard for so long to improve seem to finally be settling into normalcy, as a part of who I am, rather than a struggle I must endure. I have no doubt that there will always be another mountain to climb, but I can't help feeling that I have reached the peak of the largest.