Now where did I read that...

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Friday, June 11, 2010

Submitting

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Scary Mommy wrote an entirely sarcastic blog entry on the video she embedded in her blog.
The woman speaking in this video is certainly true to her beliefs. She wants nothing more than to be the woman her husband needs, and what a goal! She quotes the bible accurately, referencing how God wants us, as women, to be our husband's helper, and notes that God doesn't tell us, in the Bible, exactly what our marriages should look like.
Thank God I'm Baha'i, because I remember, right at this moment, why I struggled so much with
trying to be the proverbial Good Christian. I cannot wrap my head around the thought that there are women out there who genuinely believe that their entire identity is based solely on the man they married.
I feel like I should be saying Hail Marys for thinking about all of this.
I'm struggling with my relationship right now. I haven't ended it, and I haven't strayed, but my heart is anything but in it. He'll be gone for several more weeks, and I have spent more time wondering if there's something wrong with me for feeling the need to let go of this than missing him. The thought of basing my identity on this man, as much as I adore him as a person, would flatten me completely. I have taught
him things that, in some countries, I would be imprisoned for. I pointed out lines in the Bible that made him realize he couldn't take literally. I taught him about musicians and political leaders that there was no conceivable reason he didn't have a proper grasp on. He's Christian and I love that he has faith, but, well, this is one more way I see that this relationship is probably not quite on the level playing field it should be.
I had intended to go into a rant about marriages and a woman trying to alter or obtain her identity for or from her male partner- or anyone altering/obtaining their identity because of their romantic partner. Now, though, I see the reason I needed to see this: I need to really pull my head out of my fourth point of contact and get a very clear, very defined idea of what it is I actually do want in a relationship/marriage. I was so intent on finding "a good man" that when I finally did, I realized I was oblivious to specific qualities. Go figure.
I'll tell you now, the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation is number one on the list. I do not believe for one second my identity should be derived from my romantic partner. I do, however, believe that we represent each other, and I have no intention or desire to represent a man who comes across as less than intelligent and peaceful to those around him. I may need to work on these qualities a bit myself, as I tend to be a bit of a free spirit, but I know what I respect in others, and love is derived from respect.
I'm a Soldier, but I swear sometimes my discipline just goes straight out the window. I can see why I needed this life, but I wonder sometimes how long I can possibly go on with it. I enjoy it, but I know I would absolutely love the opportunity to express myself more on the day-to-day, and not worry about the consequences of being an individual. None the less, that discipline and focus is something I truly admire in others. I suppose there's a difference between respecting a quality and truly possessing it. I think if I had that sort of personality, though, that my path in life would be insanely different than it is now. I wouldn't be able to take that chance to talk to people I don't even know about race and religion and anything else that seems to apply in random places and scenarios. I wonder if I'll ever find a man who has these qualities but also has the faith that is such a must in my world.
It's not the first time that I've wondered if I'm meant to have a partner down this long road that I've been set upon.

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