Gentle

As tends to happen, I am currently pretty profoundly blown away by recent progress in my life.

Progress suits this all much more than the word events.

It's not the events that startle me, it's the incredible, powerful, mind-boggling knowledge that has sprung from it.

Relationships have been a focus for me for much too long, which isn't anything new, and they have always confused me on an inexplicable level.

It's never been that I've had trouble "getting" guys- be it on the intellectual "I get it" level or the "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" attraction level. I rarely have a hard time communicating with anyone for long, if at all, and, well, I understand people. I'm a fairly attractive woman. I don't have a huge ego, but I don't want for attention from the male gender, either.

I've survived two rapes by men who knew me.

I still struggle with survivor's guilt, questioning every choice, breath and action from those days. I have questioned myself many, many times over those events. The fact of the matter is, though, that they both happened. The fact of the matter is, it was wrong.

I never thought I could enjoy someone being gentle with me- emotionally and physically.

I've become quite used to pushy, rough, over-eager and rude men. I'm used to it being about hormones, and physical attraction and a whole slew of other, artificial things I had never realized played so much into my experiences. Now, though, I get it.

Sweet, slow, soft. Things I never thought I could enjoy. I always related these things to men who were the nice guys, the ones who could never stand up to me or for me, the weak ones. It turns out, the hard-headed rough-necks are perfectly capable of this, too.

It turns out, I really, really want someone who can be both, and intelligent too. I'm not going to lie, where looks are concerned, I'm not very picky. I don't like skinny guys, but I don't get ridiculous about anything more than that. I just really see how much I've been settling now, and I want to make it stop, now. I realized what it is I could have, and how well I could be treated, and I don't want anything more than I want to be at a place where I can have that stable home life, and have that person in my life to love and lean on, and know that they're there for me, thick or thin.

Now, if I can find a dark haired, dark-eyed Baha'i man with all of these features, well, I just couldn't complain about that, now could I?

I have some really good Baha'i friends in my life, plenty of them male, and I can't help but think that, as wonderful as they are, we met for other purposes. I don't think I've met the one I'm meant to be with just yet.