I'm 26 days from getting on a plane and leaving the last two years of my life in a blaze of dust and glory, or something like that. I will fly out of Korea on the 14th of July, to return home. Am I excited? You have no idea. What's stranger, though, is that I'm absolutely petrified. I am not going home to relax for 30 days like most people do. I am going home, at most for 21 days, though I have no intention of taking all the time I requested, and spending a few days with my Dad and a few days tracking down the unit I really want to be attached to as opposed to the one I have orders to, and then signing in after probably more like 7 days off.
I've been in the Army for nearly three years now. August 21st, I will be authorized a Good Conduct Medal, and my very first service stripe. I have the overwhelming feeling that it is now that I am finally really understanding and fully grasping my life, and the Army. I have been through some serious stuff, and I am going to go through some other serious stuff, especially in the Army. I am finally grasping what I am going to have to do to survive this life in one piece, and I'd be lying if I said I was all that confident about it.
I'm blessed with faith and an understanding of my place in this world that most do not have, particularly at the young age of 24. I don't feel 24- most days, I feel like I should be applying for social security benefits any day- but I am old for my age, and I am told this often enough to know that it is true.
I will be going home to a place where I no longer have any real support structure, and I will be the sole provider for myself and my father. There will be no more "I" and there will be no more flippant or impulsive choices, particularly not with money. I won't have that luxury any more.
Am I ready for it? Will I ever know the answer to that question? I don't think anyone has ever said they are ready to be responsible for anyone else. I love my Daddy, and I know I'd give absolutely anything to take care of him as best I could, so I know I will blow this thing out of the water, and probably make it look easy, because that is who I am and what I do. The process scares the ever-loving crap out of me, though.
It's like the backwards version of having children, in a way. People have a little more say in having kids, and they usually see it coming, at least by about 9 months or so. Granted, I probably got more of a heads up on this than that, in a way, but reality sure has taken it's sweet time setting in. I won't have a spouse to share responsibilities with, and there's really no predicting exactly what responsibilities will be on my plate, as diagnoses and time shift things like the wind shifts sand.
I sit here, after successfully completing a school that bored me almost to tears, looking at the room I have spent the last two weeks living in, knowing I should be packing, but feeling I have to get things out of my system before I can focus on anything.
There are two men in my life right now that were sent to teach me something, and I'm a little confused as to what, exactly, that was. One, I think, was to prove to me that I am absolutely fine alone, and that I enjoy being alone more than I would like to admit. The other, I think was to remind me that, while I may enjoy being alone, there are men out there who are everything I want and will treat me as I want to be treated. The fact of the matter is, I just don't have that much say in the way my life is supposed to turn out. I have a sneaking suspicion God thought I might just be getting too big for my britches and needed me to remember that, while I'm growing up, I'm not grown yet... I'm not running this show, and it was time I remembered that. I don't like it when He's right all the time, but I'm learning to shut up and take orders like a good Soldier should. Funny how that works.
I'm not sure where I'll spend tonight. I'll either be back in my own barracks, or at a hotel, avoiding people for an evening, which is something I can desperately use right now.
But that may be frivolously spending money, which is a choice I should not be making at this point. There goes that grown up thing again.
"You know what I learned this week, Brian? Being a grown up SUCKS!" -Stewie Griffin
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