Pain And Prayer

I was in third grade when I broke my leg jumping into an empty swimming pool on a dare.

I didn't cry until my mother told my stepdad. The man was my frikkin hero! I was so embarrassed!

Prayer reminds me of this moment so many years ago.

I know I need to pray most when I want to the least.

I have to let go of my pride to talk to the One I need to talk to most. I have a lot of pride.

It takes a lot of work to talk to God when I know I've done something I was told not to, especially when that something goes against common sense.

Even at twenty-four years old, after doing PLENTY of those somethings, there are still tears sometimes.

I am overwhelmed right now, physically not doing so hot, and I know that stress is playing a part in what I'm going through right now. I miss having people to lean on the way I did when my brothers were here. I miss them so much. I had a family then. It's a rare feeling for me. My Daddy is my family, period. When he needs me, I have to be strong. There's nothing wrong with that, and I am glad to have the relationship with him that I do.

The experience of having brothers, though, was wonderful. Ku, B, Rob, G and Huggy gave me what I thought the Army was supposed to be. They had my back. In the middle of the night, I didn't have one person I could call- I had five. I knew how they'd respond, I knew who to call for what, and they were proud of me and still let me look after them without race, gender, age or rank being a factor in how they saw me. I want that back. They gave me advice and taught me more about the Army and life than any teacher, NCO or parent has or could have. I know life in Texas will be different than anything I've ever known, and I will make friends, and adapt. I know I will blossom there, because it's what I do. Life gives me a hard time, and I make it look like a joke off a Bazooka wrapper. THIS IS WHAT I DO. I was baptized by fire, these things scare me, but, really, they never touch me in the end. I just wish I could bring that family with me. I wish I didn't have to start all over again. Now that I know what it is to be in one place for a while, I'm just not sure I want to start fresh. It's frustrating and painful.