Purest Emotion

Why is it that every time someone who makes me feel incredibly special and taken care of comes into my life, there are two circumstances unavoidably linked with it--- they are always married and they already know they are there to show me what it's SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE.

Nerdboy fixed my computer, and put an amazing bandage on my very tattered heart tonight.

I am completely overwhelmed right now, and I can't make sense of it at all.

I have a wonderful boyfriend. I know this, and I am grateful, and I want that sentence to end after the word grateful but it doesn't and I wonder if it ever will. I want to feel like he is the one, like he is enough, like he is all there is, but I don't and it hurts. The more time that passes the less I see him as my man and the more I see him as a brother and that tears away at a part of me that I didn't know existed, much less felt pain. He's a good man, and I want to love a good man, but I don't love him, and the more I try to, the more I want to not have to worry about this relationship. It's horrible and painful that I just want the worry to go away, that I just want to stop caring. It's terrible. He's such a good guy, and I can't imagine hurting him, but right now, I just want that part of my life, even that want for love or a relationship or even someone to hold me, to just go away.

I know I'm hormonal right now, I know the intensity of these emotions are probably 90% PMS, but right now, this is my reality. The tears and frustration and hurt... The overwhelming feeling like I just peeked into what it's supposed to be like, once again, only to have it ripped from my fingers....

Will I ever get it right?