Acceptance

I haven't cried at all today.
I'm not sure if I'm proud of myself for getting that under control, or confused that I don't feel worse, or disappointed in myself for taking out my frustration in other arenas.
My little sister (age 23) has never been my closest friend nor biggest ally.
I always thought it'd change, but it hasn't.
Today's series of emails accusing and attacking me because she had to find out my best friend died via Facebook really hit me hard.
After trying to point out to her that there was definitely a better means of going about, in her words, "making sure I was alright", and failing miserably at getting my point across, I finally snapped on her.
I told her a lot of things that had been bothering me for ages, and a lot of behaviors I was absolutely tired of. The girl doesn't know what it means to apologize. She's one of those people who can find an excuse for anything. She'd make a fantastic lawyer, if she'd just stick with something besides the bottle. She takes after Sunset (mom). The bottle is her best friend, the cure to everything, and there is nothing she does that she can't find an excuse for- she's apparently had a horrible life. She claims to have given up her childhood while I was being locked away with things I didn't have and heavily medicated for said things.
Any time anyone asks her for help, she gets very upset and tells us all that she's tired of being what keeps this family together, and tired of being the mediator.
Sounds like a tough job.
She doesn't respond to any question asked directly, but prefers the attack method.
Not once in a series of nine or ten emails did she ask how I was, but proceeded to berate me for not allowing her to check on me...
I'm trying to find my patience with her, but, repeatedly, I find that it is not at all as surprising that I keep minimal contact with my mother and sister.
I really want to have one of those families where people understand and listen to one another, but I can't hear that everything is my fault even one more time. I can't. I lost it on her today, and I'm not proud of that, but it hurts! I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that had nothing to do with money or blame, and I'm tired of having to cut conversations short just so they don't turn into full-blown arguments. I don't want to do this anymore.

If one of thy relations oppress thee, complain not against him before the magistrate; rather manifest magnificent patience during every calamity and hardship.

(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 374)

How long should I go on trying to be patient, though? I have tried through the darkest times, I have held my tongue as she spoke of what a miserable life she had because of me, and my "problems". I have held my tongue as she and my mother spoke of how they'd never have a life because of having to take care of me, I held it through 9 weeks of withdrawals from medications I never should have been put on for things I had never been old enough to be diagnosed with, I held it through my mother telling me that having my tubes tied was still what was best for me because I clearly would be an unfit mother, through being told I'd never hold a job, through my mother telling me I'd never survive without the medications or her to take care of me, how I'd never be able to have a stable relationship, let alone get married and raise a family... I've held my tongue through walking in on my mother cheating on my disabled stepfather with his nurses aide across the hall from the bedroom he slept in. I held it through the money she asked from my father, even long after he paid off the last of the child support he owed. I held my tongue through all the realizations I made, the understandings I came to, the lessons I learned and the truths I saw. I held my tongue when I spoke to the ex-boyfriend she claimed was so abusive, and held my tongue when the truth dawned on me that he was never the one doing the hitting, or the drinking. I held my tongue through the years of her drinking, the years of midnight breakdowns.
I've held my tongue through three years of the Army, through one marriage and several relationships that were far more stable than anything she's ever known. I held my tongue through getting my driver's license when she told me I'd never be able to do it, and through the helping to raise two children when she told me I'd never even be able to raise my own. I held it through living in an apartment and paying my own bills, and now I'm holding it through the pain of nearly 25 years of being told I was a burden. What more am I to hold my tongue through?
The family unit is easily among the most important in the Baha'i faith, and in any community, but what is one supposed to do when the family unit is the most destructive force a Soldier in the US Army will ever come into contact with?