Almost Lover

I met Danger when I was 19 years old, and married.
He was one of very few people who respected my marriage to a deployed Soldier unquestioningly. He was such an amazing friend. We'd stay up late at the tattoo shop, watching movies and cuddled up on the red leather couch. He'd listen to me rant and vent, and keep an eye on me when I drank. He was protective and caring. He loved me endlessly, and I don't doubt that now. In so many of his emails he says I was the sweetest girl he ever knew, though it would probably take hell and high water to convince me I was ever sweet. I loved him, and looked up to him in ways that I never have anyone else. It took me until the same day he died to understand how much he kept inside. The email I sent him told him that if he wanted to be married again, he was going to have to learn to trust someone on the level of emotional intimacy. He had been a rock star for so long, he had gotten quite comfortable with his image, and saw no need to let that go. He was always so good to me, though. In addition to the tattoo on my foot for him, I'll likely get the word "sweet" tattooed on me at some point, possibly next to the bird he did on my side, to remind myself of all he taught me about who I am.
He's an amazing man, and I'm absolutely heartbroken to have lost him. We haven't been together for a while, but that never stopped me from loving him, or him me. This is earth-shattering for me. He's been one of my closest friends even in some of the hardest times of my life. I cut a date short to spend the night in the hospital with him when he had an especially bad case of kidney stones. Despite trying to stay awake, I eventually fell asleep, sitting in the chair next to his bed, my head resting on his shoulder. It was the closest to taking care of him he ever allowed me to do.
I was engaged to him when he was arrested for the first time. Crazy as he was, I guess we'd all assumed he'd been arrested before, but it sure scared the hell out of him to be locked up, even though it was only for a couple days. He hasn't driven without a license since, to my knowledge. He caught an earful for two days straight after he was released from me, as I was irate at the thought of my future-husband to have been locked up. He was incredibly sweet and very humble about it all, which, if you know Danger, took quite a shock.
He told me a lot of stories about his past, some would probably make me guilty by association just for knowing. He was crazy as sin, but he had a heart of gold. Lord, did he love me. He would tell me all the time how I was the one who tamed the eternal bachelor. I loved the thought, but it seems it took more than even he thought to tame him. He had cleaned up his act so much in the months before his death.
He didn't like the fact that his kids had figured out what he did recreation-wise, and I had no problem encouraging him to quit some of it. He had been so good about it all! He'd even been going back to school. He was so proud of himself, and I was, too, though I didn't tell him nearly as much as I should have.
I miss him. That's one of the hardest things to say. I really just want to talk to him again. I want to feel his big grizzly bear hug and hear him call me Cesil or Sweet Thang one more time.

I don't know how to say goodbye to him.