Pocket Full Of Sunshine

This last week has been tremendous in so many ways.
Mourning Danger's death has been made so much easier in having Bright Eyes beside me.
The memorial service was today, and I cried.
And I cried.
And I cried.
Through the entire thing.
I can't say I'm shocked that I cried, but the amount of tears that flowed were more than I could have ever expected, and more than I think I've ever cried in front of anyone in my entire life- never mind in front of a hall of people.
I feel guilty. I feel like his death could have been prevented had we married as we'd planned, and had he had the insurance he would have had because of that. I don't doubt he knew it was coming, which pains me, but I wonder if the end of our relationship had any part in his letting go. It breaks my heart and pains me deeply and has changed me forever.
I felt like a total outsider today, knowing quite a few people, but knowing none of them well.
I can't help but wonder if he ever felt this way.

I can see without trouble that God brought Bright Eyes and I back together when he did because of exactly this. We leaned on each other through the mourning process, and continue to do so, though this situation did not cause our bond. Danger's death has brought us so much closer, as we both knew him, and felt a great deal for this man.
Bright Eyes and I are extremely close, and I now know that he is my soul mate, and that we will be together for good this time around. Things may take some time, but I can be patient. I have no interest in dating anyone else. He bought me a promise ring, which I am amazed and astounded by, and we agree on more than I ever could have expected. I've been around the world, dated people of all races and religions, and came home to fall in love with my high school sweetheart. He has known me since I was 13 or 14, and loves me because of and in spite of all the faults, flaws and bad choices I've made. He's lived in Maine his entire life- something I simply cannot imagine. He's my partner, my balance, my rock. My love for him is unending, and I have every intention of marrying him when the time comes. We've discussed everything- his beautiful, brilliant little girl especially- and have a direction we'd like to work, but, obviously, Angel Eyes is priority across the board, and I am in the same place with that as he is.
Dragon Lady, Bright Eyes' ex-wife, is obviously and visibly displeased that he has now moved on, despite her current actions reflecting strongly that she moved on quite some time ago. She has pumped Angel Eyes for information, which bothers me, and made a point of standing too close to Bright Eyes today, putting her hand on the small of his back. This is the first time since the divorce she's behaved like this, and I'd love to say I didn't see it coming. Bright Eyes is an amazing man, and it's always hard to realize someone you loved is capable of loving someone else, and even harder to realize that person you loved is happier loving someone else. I refuse to let her get to me, and smile and remember my manners at all times in dealings with her. Her father is quite nice, and was a pleasure to talk to earlier, despite glaring looks from his daughter. I introduced myself to her and complimented her on the beautiful, smart child that is her daughter the first time I was introduced to her (despite knowing who she was for over a decade now) and refuse to lose my manners or bearing because of her lack thereof. I know we can overcome all of this given the chance.