The Fear Of (Not) Being Alone

Jitterbug is a wonderful guy.
Yet I'm already pushing him away hard and fast.
I can't help but question if I just haven't met the right person yet, or if I'm that scared of settling down, or if I'm not meant to settle down.
I'm as scared to settle down as I am to be alone.

That's a lie.

I'm more scared of settling down.

Being responsible to someone for the rest of my life... whoa. WHOA. I mean, really, that's a LOT of responsibility! With the Army, I have a contract. I know when this crap expires, I know that I can get away from it from time to time, but a relationship? You don't earn leave days in a relationship. I won't get 2.5 paid days off for every 30 days I'm dating someone, it doesn't work that way!

The thought of being alone... Scary. Just not AS scary. It's a lot easier to imagine bouncing around this way for the rest of my life than imagine being married to someone for the rest of my life, imagine being separated from someone- on the other side of the world- but still having to answer to them. That's scary! I wonder if I'll ever get the hang of this.

I'm learning to use Ocean to it's full capacity, and, in such, here is one of the quotes I found by searching for "relationship":

Bodily relationships may pass; even two sisters may be inimical to each other, but the spiritual relationship is eternal, and brings about mutual love and service.

(Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 75)

Is this what I'm missing? I said at one point that I thought it would be difficult to imagine marrying someone who wasn't a Baha'i. Is that spiritual connection what I've been looking for and not finding? I won't lie, I find it harder and harder to express my excitement over some things to people who aren't Baha'i. I'm afraid some things don't translate quite as well as others. Music, yes, that always works, but not everyone will be as excited as I am to hear about the amazing community I'm going to (AMAZING!) or the multi-cultural area, or see positive role models of different genders and races or even as excited as I am to see the black guy playing the good guy in a movie for once. Some people just don't get those things the same way I do.

I suppose I need to take my own advice, too, and "Let go, and let God."