Life, Death, Love And Faith

As I'm sure I've made evident, Bright Eyes has been my saving grace through the grieving process, these last few days. I will see him in less than 20 hours for the first time in 10 years, and my heart swells with anticipation and joy. At some point, being able to talk to a man about God became a prerequisite for a relationship. It seems obvious now, but it was a much bigger leap than it might sound. I think the conversation Bright Eyes and I had about God was the turning point in our friendship.

I am positive that Bright Eyes is my soul mate. I'm not sure I ever truly believed that such a thing existed before him, though I always liked the thought. It's an amazing thing to instinctively trust someone who hurt you years ago. We were high school sweethearts- it seems we both noticed one another at the same time, and, undoubtedly, we were both going through quite a bit. It's really no surprise it didn't work out back then. A typical teenage boy who is still grieving the loss of his mother, a teenage girl with more issues than she could have been aware of, in a small town in Maine and no real life experience, well, that just isn't a recipe for a happy relationship. Separate the two for ten years, let them grow up and experience life and love, and drop 'em back together, well, it seems to work out a whole lot better.

Danger, well, there's no explaining how he will be missed. It's hard to say goodbye to someone I loved and intended to marry as a mutual friend becomes something more than a friend. It makes my heart heavy and mind confused as to how to balance it all. I am overjoyed that Bright Eyes and I have reconnected, broken-hearted that my dear friend of several years and almost-husband has passed, and incredibly grateful to God for bringing someone into my life who can be completely understanding and loving while helping me to grieve a man I loved. The thought truly blows me away and boggles my mind.

I smile at the thought of praying with him. This is the one thing that I have always wanted to be able to do with someone I married. Can I imagine it? Absolutely. It makes me smile because his ideas of God and faith seem to be so much like mine, and he asked me today to tell him more about the Baha'i faith, and it warmed my heart in ways I'm not sure I could fully explain. I look at my prayer book sitting in my backpack, ready to go in a few hours, and realize I have no worries about this discussion. While Ruhi is considered the way to learn to teach the Faith, it's always been so easy for me that the thought of teaching my... what is he? Other half? I don't know. Labels have seemed so unnecessary. Anyway, the thought of teaching Bright Eyes something of the Faith seems like instinct, something as simple as breathing. He reads my blogs, knows me intimately, and, well, my faith is such a smooth, easy part of who I am, that it seems like he must know a great deal more than he thinks.

It's taken me a lifetime to find my faith. I have believed the same thing for as long as I can recall. Growing up, I was surrounded by many faiths, and am still absolutely thrilled to learn something about a faith that I didn't know. I have always been pulled to it, and am just a little sad that there is no clergy position in the Baha'i faith- I think I'd love that job!

The people I have met in the Baha'i communities have been unlike any other "religious group" I've ever known. I have never felt like an outsider with the Baha'i community, and often find myself the center of attention, which I find hysterical. I have always been outgoing and a bit of a clown, but to find a place, especially amongst such a diverse group of people, where that personality of mine is so welcome is a wonderful experience. I have been told I was meant to be a Baha'i, that I am a natural, and that I've brought new life to the community. These are all overwhelming sentiments to me, as I haven't even been a Baha'i for six months yet! I suppose it may sound egotistical, but I really feel like these compliments, as big as they are, are true. I just feel so at home with the Baha'i community that I really feel like I am at my best with them.
I have so many overwhelming feelings tonight.

It is a bit after 2 in the morning, and I need to be up and moving in a few hours. I am terribly excited to see Bright Eyes, and possibly my brother while I'm there, and, at the same time, know I will fall to pieces once I make it to the funeral. There is no more denial once you see someone you love in a casket. I had a dream the other night that Jakey and Bright Eyes had to hold me up as I collapsed, when I saw Danger's body in that casket. I fear the amount of truth that might be hidden within this dream.

While I suppose this is quickly turning from post to full-on rant, I've got more thoughts floating around in my head tonight than I can settle.

Bright Eyes is showing me things about myself I didn't know. I thought I was incapable of true trust, and I trust him almost blindly. I can't imagine anything more wonderful than this. With my history of sexual trauma, sex has been something that's been incredibly confusing for me. I have struggled with it throughout my life. I remember being six years old and knowing things about sex that no six year old should know. I've struggled with understanding where boundaries should be, and have truly had a battle on my hands learning to recognize inappropriate intentions versus healthy ones. For so many years, this line was invisible to me. With Bright Eyes, though I have learned a great deal about recognizing intentions by this point, there has never been any question of sexual insinuation or intention. Our conversations mostly center on music or people we know, though often enough stray into topics like faith and global warming and the like, but never, it seems, has sex been a part of our relationship.

I'm plenty attracted to Bright Eyes- always have been. Physically, he is exactly what I find most attractive- dark hair, dark eyes, tall, solid build and a great smile. As a person, he continues to exceed not just my expectations but so many of my hopes, as well. He doesn't see his value, but I am insistent that I will not let him forget that I do. He writes more easily than he speaks, as do I, and he truly understands that some things I just will never have an easy time explaining aloud. He enjoys taking pictures, writing, loves nature, children, and is very much a family person. When I struggled with my sister, I worried that his opinion of me may change. I know how important family is to him, and I truly cannot imagine being okay with the interaction she and I had. He supported me, though, and genuinely understood where I was coming from. He reminds me of how highly he thinks of me each day, and it takes my breath away. I've been given plenty of compliments, but his never fail to wake up those darned butterflies that seem to be napping in my stomach between our conversations. I look at the picture he and his daughter took for me on the trampoline and I smile. How I can be so sure someone is mine is something I can't explain.

All at once, I don't need to explain what we have to the world but want to show him off. I want to get to take him to dinner with my brother and introduce them- I want people to see what I have! It is such an amazing feeling to know I could take him anywhere with me and feel totally at ease. I know he will flow from situation to situation comfortably and would never make me any less than proud of how he carried himself. I have no label for him- there's been no talk of boyfriend or partner, no lover or significant other... I haven't needed to tell anyone I was in a relationship, though I did make it clear to one male friend who walked the fine line that I was taken. This is such a beautiful feeling. He is more than 2,000 miles away, and will remain that far away for the foreseeable future, and I am at ease with that. Naturally, I want him close to me as soon as possible, but it's not a source of stress. I don't worry about what he's doing when I'm not talking to him, or who he's talking to.
*sigh* This is the good life.